The Only Certainty in Life

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Probably because two of my peers who I knew not personally but peripherally, passed away within a relatively recent time period. They were similar in age and around the same stage in their life as I am now. Young married adults with families who depend on them. Ever since then, I have asked myself the following question: 

Death is the only certainty in life. It is the only event that we all know for a fact that has a 100% chance of occurring in the life of every single person ever to be born. Yet why are so many people unprepared for it? 

Let's get one thing clear. By "unprepared" I mean in a practical sense. There is no way in hell yourself or your loved ones can be emotionally prepared for you to die a sudden unexpected death in your 30's. But you can definitely be prepared beforehand practically in case anything ever happened. 

Another clarity. By asking this question about being prepared I am in no way saying the people who passed away recently were not practically prepared. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. I did not know them well enough to know about their situation. Hearing the news of their passing simply sparked thoughts into my mind to lead me to ask this question about people in general. 

So what do I mean by being "practically prepared"? I don't like to give advice on my blog. Especially about topics that I have no expertise or experience in. But as someone who likes to think extensively and often times obsessively to the point of causing insomnia about random topics, I feel like I have some insightful thoughts to share about those topics. Sometimes that topic is the Lakers, and sometimes it's Taco Bell. This time that topic just happens to be 'death.'

This first thing you can do to be prepared for something is to actually think about it. It's pretty simple. If you want to be prepared for an earthquake, first you have to entertain the possibility in your mind that an earthquake can and might happen. Only then can you take practical steps to prepare for it. For so many people death is such as taboo they don't even like to think about it. Obviously you don't have to obsess over it for hours on end to make yourself depressed, or bring it up during your child's birthday party. But there is a time and place for it. For most people, either their ego or fear keeps them from thinking about the possibility of their own death. Either they believe it won't happen to them or they are scared it will somehow actually happen if they give some thought to it. That ego and fear must be overcome. I think everyone who is married should discuss the possibility of their deaths with their spouse. That includes making a will and letting your family know about it. If you have life insurance make sure your beneficiaries know what to do if something happens. Talk about it. Break the taboo. Communication. That's the most important factor in being prepared. 

The next thing everyone should consider is life insurance. If you lost your job right now and never got another one, can you live comfortably for the rest of your life and maintain the same quality of life you are living now? If yes, congratulations. You are filthy rich.  You don't need life insurance. But  every single person I know, and chances are every single person you know, would answer 'no' to this question. I don't care how much money you and/or your spouse makes. Even if your spouse earns a six-figure salary, do you really want them to be working that job AND be a single parent? Things like cost of living, mortgages, college funds, taxes, investments, and bills are hard enough to manage with two people. Why would you want your spouse to have to manage them on their own while at the same time trying to earn money and raise a kid? Unless your last name is Gates, Buffet, or Trump, pretty much everyone who is married with kids should have some form of life insurance or another. 

I don't want to go too much into it but some people think life insurance is a scam. And many policies out there are so bad they pretty much are scam-like. But there are different kinds of insurance. Term life insurance is the purest form of insurance. It's called term because it's temporary. It's only effective for usually 20 or 25 years. If you are still alive after that time, the policy is cancelled. The theory is that by that time your kids should be old enough to be earning their own income and you should have enough wealth saved up to leave some for your spouse. Because it's temporary, it's a lot cheaper than permanent life insurance. As a matter of fact probably around ten times cheaper. Permanent life insurance policies are a lot more expensive because they last your entire life. Makes sense. There are all kinds of policies out there. They are usually attached to different investment vehicles based on indexes and interest rates and earn cash value based on the markets and other factors. Many of them are bullshit. The costs associated with maintaining those investments often times negates any earnings you may have had, to the point where you could have been better off buying the much cheaper term policy and then investing the difference on your own. But there are some good products out there as well that guarantee you a minimum interest rate and offer you a lot of flexibility. All I can say is you should approach buying life insurance cautiously but with an open mind. But I would advise everyone with kids should have a term life insurance policy at the very least. 

This next point may seem a bit obvious. Certain things like hard work, responsibilities, discipline, and sacrifice don't necessarily feel good. But if you died without imbibing at least some of those values in your life, you may be leaving your loved ones in a very tough spot. For example, if you are stuck in a job that you hate but makes good money, it's not always the right thing for you to quit. Your family may need the financial security. Staying in that job may be the sacrifice you need to make. Not everyone has to enjoy doing their jobs. That's what the off-time is for. That brings me to my last point. 

I can't stress this next point enough. Don't be a hard ass. Enjoy life. In my opinion, that's the biggest thing you can do to overcome your fear of death. If you lived a life full of enjoyment and jovial memories, then your death will be easier to accept by everyone, including yourself. If you always choose to work overtime on your days off, just once maybe take the day off and go to the beach. Maybe pay your employee some overtime once and take your kid to the museum and show them some art. Maybe go out to eat dinner once in a while on a random Tuesday. Maybe stay up till 4 AM one time when you have family over for the holidays. Maybe let your mother-in-law put your baby to sleep one night so you guys can go watch the new movie that's coming out. Whatever it is that makes you feel good, do it once in a while. 

So here's the bottom line. How do you practically prepare for death? Discuss it with your loved ones. Get life insurance. Work hard. But also play hard. And don't have a stick up your ass. 

3 HUGE lessons to learn from the Donald Sterling saga

The last time I wrote an article on this joint, I defended Dwight Howard and blamed Laker fans for unfairly criticizing him. Then the traitorous bastard left us for Houston and I stopped writing for a while. So first of all, even though I was 100% right about what I said about that asshole, I apologize to all my fellow Laker fans for not joining on the hate early. (Although that very same hate might have been responsible for him leaving in the first place.) So anyways, 12 months, a trip to the motherland, a pregnant wife, and a baby later, I am back! (I thought about writing about the baby as my first article back but hey, you have to keep your priorities in order. So I chose to write about Donald Sterling instead.)

Lesson # 1: All press is good press...Sort of...

Answer this: If the Sterling tape was never leaked, and if Donald Sterling put up the Clippers for sale because he wanted to sell the team, without any controversy, would he have gotten the same price? Before you answer, keep in mind that the Forbes 2014 valuation for the Clippers was at 575 million. The highest any NBA team had ever been sold for was 550 million. (Milwaukee Bucks last month.) My answer is no. 

The Donald Sterling controversy was responsible for two very big factors that lead to the Clippers being sold for 2 billion dollars. The first and most important being that it increased the profile of the team. The Clippers became a household name in the non-sports household. The controversy shined a spotlight on the team's extremely likable superstar leader Chris Paul. The controversy shined a spotlight on the team's wise black coach who is beloved by everyone that knows him. The controversy shined a spotlight on the high flying Lob City duo of Blake Griffin and Deondray Jordan. As a direct result of this increased profile,  the Clippers franchise became more desirable in the eyes of those who can afford to buy a team. Prime example: Do you really think Oprah even gave two shits about the Clippers before the Donald Sterling controversy? I HIGHLY doubt it. She might not even have known they existed. And all of a sudden we hear that she wants to buy the team? The line of billionaire celebrities that wanted to buy this team went up to the Staples Center 300 section. And most of those people wouldn't have been in that line if this was a regular controversy-free sale of an NBA franchise.  

The second factor that came into play because of the leaked tape is a very basic economic principle. When you have a motivated seller, you will get a better price if you are the buyer. But a seller who is being FORCED to sell and is willing to fight to the death for his right NOT to sell? You can only imagine what motivated billionaires that want something will try to pay for something they can't have. And that is exactly what happened. The bidding started and everyone knew they had to go high in order to get Sterling to stop fighting and sell, and Steve Ballmer's bid turned out to be the highest. So ironically Donald Sterling's moronic words were responsible for him getting $2 billion for a team that he was FORCED to sell, which is more than TWICE as much as he would have gotten had he wanted to sell the team on his own. If I had not seen how much of an imbecile he looked on Anderson Cooper, I would have guessed he had planned the whole thing all along...Or maybe even that was just an act...Nah, he's too much of a moron for that. 

Lesson #2: The NBA only cares about one thing: The NBA

When everyone was calling for the NBA to do something about Donald Sterling, I was asking myself, why would they do anything? They already know he's a racist. It's been well documented in the past and the NBA has looked the other way. But of course when you are in the middle of the playoffs, and it's been one of the greatest first rounds of all time, in a point in time when the NBA has never been more popular or profitable than now, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN HAVE PLAYERS BOYCOTTING PLAYOFF GAMES. Besides a swarm of killer bees being unleashed in the arena during game 7 of the Finals, playoff boycotts would basically be the worst case scenario, the 9/11 of any sports league. THAT was the difference between Sterling's discretions in the past and this one. This one affected the league's money/brand/popularity/image. So when NBA commisioner Adam Silver uttered the words "Banned for life" and imposed a maximum fine on Donald Sterling, forgive me if I didn't join in on the Martin Luther King Jr. comparisons. If you disagree, I need you to click on this link for me. Don't worry...it's not porn or some sort of virus.

Lesson #3: Steve Ballmer DID NOT overpay for the Clippers

According to Forbes, the Clippers net operating profit is approximately $15 million per year. With the $2 billion price tag, it would take Steve Ballmer about 133 years to break even if he never sold the team. Obviously these are rough estimates and I am not taking into account future improvements on operating profits, TV deals, and other factors. But even WITH all of that, this is not a very good investment in roughly financial terms by any estimation. Of course that could all change if another billionaire wants to buy this team for even higher. But what I am getting at here is that this is not a business investment. This is a toy. This is like me and you buying an XBOX. Let me put it in a context everyone can understand: 

If you loved taking it up the ass, but you weren't gay, and there were only 30 dildos made on Earth, and out of that only one dildo was immediately available for sale, and cucumbers/carrots/eggplants/bananas were all extinct, and you had pretty much an unimaginable amount of money, how much would you pay for that dildo? Exactly. Steve Ballmer's dildo is the Clippers. 

Lesson #4: In the end, Donald Sterling got EXACTLY what he deserved

Yes, you read that correctly. First of all, in a cosmic/karmic way, Donald Sterling should have been punished. Yes, he was illegally recorded and he has the freedom to say what he wants. So maybe he shouldn't have been punished for this specific incident, but he has gone unpunished for all the bullshit shenanigans he has pulled off in the past. The housing discrimination, the media manipulation, the unfair treatment of employees, all of the stunts he has pulled off with Clippers players coaches and executives. So I have no problem for punishing him for this when all the shit before has gone unpunished. 

With that said, many people are saying that Sterling walking away with $2 billion is not a punishment. But Sterling was worth 2 billion BEFORE the sale of the Clippers. When you are in your 80's what's another 2 billion when you already have 2 billion? Money doesn't mean shit to Donald Sterling at this point. The $2 billion is just a consolation prize for being illegally recorded in his own home. He already has so much money that he doesn't get off on making a huge profit. What the old racist bastard gets off on is being an "owner" of a franchise. He gets off on being an "owner" of black athletes. He gets off on sitting court-side as the "owner" and everyone looking at him and saying, look, that's Donald Sterling, the "owner" of the Clippers. He gets off on being the boss of people and paying them money for working for him.  He gets off on heckling and criticizing his own players (Baron Davis) DURING the game. He gets off on negotiating contracts, evaluating and devaluating players, and firing coaches and GMs, and not paying them according to their contracts. He gets off on bringing his friends and mistresses to the game of HIS franchise of which he is the "owner". And now, he cannot do any of that! He can't be the "owner." That is is a HUGE punishment for someone like Donald Sterling. If you can't understand this, it's simple...just go back and use the dildo analogy...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Religious Algebra 101

Recently, I had the opportunity to help out a loved one solve some hard ass high school math problems. When I was in high school, and this stuff was fresh in my mind, these problems were tough, but solvable. Now? It was damn near impossible. I felt like an idiot. Now I know what a black kid feels like in remedial math. Anyways, the whole experience gave me an idea for my next article. I was already thinking about writing something about religion...so why not throw in some mathematics in there to take me back to my glory days at Laguna Hills High School? For all of you dumbasses, don't worry, this is not a math article. It is about religion. The points are just in the format of equations. But don't worry, you won't have to solve for X. This article is an extension of something I wrote earlier, entitled, "From God to Vegas...".

Please read this note before you begin reading: Just like with my first article about religion, I am not trying to promote one belief over another. It is neither my intention nor desire to make someone waiver from their faith/beliefs OR convince someone into believing something one way or another. It is not my intention to offend anyone's religion. But it IS my intention to offend their intelligence. (kidding) Through these "equations" I am merely presenting various observations/possibilities/theories that have come across my mind in the hours of sitting on the toilet thinking about this stuff. I am not promoting my beliefs, quiet simply because I myself don't know think I know the truth 100%.

Religious Algebra Law #1: The Spare Wheel Theory

IF Sadness > Happiness THEN God > World/Self
IF Sadness < Happiness THEN God < World/Self

Here is what a theist (someone who believes in God) would/should say to this equation: 
"Unfortunately, this is true. Many people use religion and God as a spare wheel. FDR prayed over the radio with the entire country when the Allies invaded Normandy in WW2. When the Challenger went KABOOM on live television, everybody and their mom prayed in front of their TV sets. Same thing on 9/11. At times of misery, we turn to God. Which is good, but what about the times of happiness? Is that all God is good for? To help us when we are down?  How about praying when DON'T need something? How about praying just for the sake of praying? How about praying just to please God?"

My two cents: If the very people that promote their belief in God didn't use him like a spare wheel, the whole God/religion concept would seem more legitimate to non-believers.

Here is what an atheist would say to this equation: 
"Doesn't surprise me. You know why? Because this is one of the very specific reasons why God and religion were invented in the first place...in order to cope better with tragedy. The psyches of human beings are too fragile to come to grip with the fact that bad shit just happens...randomly. And when it does happen, they are too fragile to handle it. So God and religion are not only a way of coming to terms with why bad stuff happens (God's wish, God's plan, God's test, etc), but also it provides a sense of comfort in tragic times." 

My two cents: So what? I am not saying God and religion are false, but even if they were, the sense of mental support and comfort they provide in times of sadness is very real...and probably unlike any other type of support this world has to offer. How would this be any different than taking prescription antideprassants to unnaturally alter your mood and using chemicals to trick your brain into thinking you are happy?

Religious Algebra Law #2: The Insurance Policy (AKA Pascal's Wager)

IF (Belief = Yes God) AND (God = Exists) THEN Afterlife = Positive

IF (Belief = Yes God) AND (God ≠ Exists) THEN Afterlife = Zero

IF (Belief = No God) AND (God ≠ Exists) THEN Afterlife = Zero

IF (Belief = No God) AND (God = Exists) THEN Afterlife = Negative

Therefore: Possible Outcomes: 

If you believe in God - Positive or Zero

If you don't believe in God - Negative or Zero

Here is what a theist would say to this equation: "This is absolutely correct. The only outcomes for you if you believe in God are positive and neutral. The worst possible thing that can happen to you is NOTHING! Why take the chance? If you don't believe in God, there is a negative possibility you may be punished. So don't risk it!"

My two cents: There are so many other complications and factors involved. Almost every major religion has a large list of rules and gray area in their philosophy that it is not a simple equation that if you believe in God you will have a good afterlife. And who is to say God will definitely punish those who don't believe in him? And if you are going to be using this logic, then please admit that you believe in God not because of your love/attachment/devotion/desire to please him, but because you want to save your own ass. (I am not saying this because I am an atheist, because I'm not one. When I do religious stuff, I fully admit I do it out of fear of what will happen if I don't. I want to save my own ass. I admit it.)

Here is what an atheist would say to this equation: "God believers like to only use logic when it is convenient for them. Whenever there logical arguments brought up against the existence of God, the believers always say God/religion/spirituality are above human logic. They are on a different plane of understanding. We cannot possibly begin to understand them. So then why use this logic? And even if this insurance policy logic makes sense, it doesn't make you right, and it doesn't prove anything."

My two cents: Different people are motivated by different things. Even though this logic may seem kind of hypocritical, if it used to make people live better lives and be better people, then what is the harm? On the other hand, if it used for wrong reasons like religious wars or personal gain, that is a whole different story...and probably a whole different article."

I think this is enough God talk for one day. I wanted to write more equations and shorter explanations but with this topic, no amount of words are enough to cover an issue. So I will leave you with this.

Many of you may already know about this. It is nothing new or original. But nevertheless, it is extremely interesting. It is the omnipotence paradox. You can read about it all you want on Wikipedia. If you don't want to read about it, here is the gist:

Can God create a stone so heavy that he cannot lift it?

Whatever your answer or comment is, feel free to post it in the comments.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Middle Ground. Where Did it Go?

I am not sure if all of you know but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Mainly, I got married. Wait a minute...let me retype that in a manner that better represents how I feel about this: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...I JUST FUCKING GOT MARRIED...LIKE WITH A REAL GIRL AND EVERYTHING...IT'S LIKE HAVING A PERSON ATTACHED TO ME AT ALL TIMES...HOLY SHIT I HAVE A WIFE NOW...HOW THE HELL CAN THAT HAPPEN? I AM STILL A CHILD! I AM WAY TOO IMMATURE FOR THIS... AREN'T THERE LAWS TO MAKE SURE THIS KIND OF THING DOESNT HAPPEN??? HOLY SHIT I AM FREAKING MARRIED!!!

[After a few minutes of blankly staring at the wall contemplating on what the hell has just happened to me in the last few days...] Ok! I am back. So as I was saying...a lot has happened. Besides the wedding, I took three weeks off work...saw and hung out with lot of family and friends-some of whom I haven't seen in years, went on a vacation of a lifetime, had a major health concern with a close family member, and had another family member who just had two twin girls. It was a pretty eventful couple of weeks for sure. But the point is that it provided me with some awesome material for the blog (not that I needed it). Unfortunately, I was so busy, so I didn't even get a chance to look at my blog's stats let alone actually write something. But now I have some free time...so here it goes. 

Do you ever catch yourself saying or thinking, "Whatever happened to...?" Usually when people say this, they refer to something or someone in the past that is no longer in use or seen today. Like VHS tapes, Thrifty ice cream, or the kid from Home Alone. But lately I have been saying more and more of this to myself...and usually referring to CONCEPTS! Things like chivalry, honesty, integrity, good work ethic, etc. So I decided to write about one of those "Whatever happened to..." things. I am sure you all know what the endangered species list is. Well...think of this as an endangered concept. This idea is no longer existent or is very close to being wiped out. It is the idea of the Middle Ground. So here we go...

Have you been following the news lately? Almost every single issue/story/event is analyzed in terms of the very extreme sides of the spectrum. Here are some examples.

1. President Obama is looked at as either the second coming of Jesus Christ by the liberals or a commy socialist by the conservatives. He is somewhere in the middle.

2. Ravi Dharun, the Indian kid who videotaped his gay roommate who later committed suicide is either a homophobic bully who committed murder or a victim of the media's overreacting agenda. People choose to ignore the fact that the kid who committed suicide suffered from many psychological and depression issues long before he met Ravi. He had a family who wasn't totally accepting of his homosexuality. Ravi had actually sent text messages to the kid apologizing for some of the hateful acts he had done. Is he still at fault? Yes. But his true guiltiness is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.  

3. Gun violence is entirely the fault of pro-gun laws or entirely the fault of people. People either want to completely outlaw guns, or completely allow them. I am sure there is some middle ground that can be found on this issue, like banning assault weapons and/or having stricter background checks and some sort of continual system of checking or testing those that want to buy guns...or something!

When the hell did society become like this? In all of those issues above, the TRUTH is probably somewhere in the middle. I am still pretty young so I am not entirely sure but wasn't there more middle ground back in the day? I do seem to recall in my high school history class the concept of compromise used to come up a lot. When is the last time someone considered the concept of compromise as a first-line resort rather than a last ditch effort? When is the last time Democrats and Republicans actually put the issue ahead of their party interests? One of my lifelong missions in life is to reintroduce this middle ground approach to the world. Any time myself or someone close to me has a problem, I am always going to consider compromise and the middle ground as an option. And believe me, the problems will come. (Read the first paragraph if you want to know why the problems will come...)

Speaking of which, one perfect little example of this already occurred in my young and short marriage life. On the second day after my wedding, my wife and I were planning on going to Universal Studios. Before we left, she asked me if I can show her how to use the washing machine after we come back so she could do laundry. Now, if you know me, you know that I don't know the first thing about how to use the washing machine in my house. So I told her I didn't know how to use it, and she decided she will figure it out later. Now here is the problem that I envisioned in my head after I had this conversation with my wife: Since we were leaving for the entire day, my mom would be home and she would see the dirty clothes in our room and maybe...just maybe...she might have a thought like "Oh, my son's wife didn't think to do anything about this laundry." (I am not saying she had this thought but she COULD have.) And this wouldn't be fair to my wife because she actually DID have the thought. So what should I do?

If you were to solve this problem according to what society does nowadays, which is ignore the middle ground, you would either do one of two things: 1. Leave the laundry and risk making a bad impression about your wife to your mother or 2. Figure out the laundry before leaving the house and be late for Universal Studios and push everything back for the entire day.

Fortunately, there is such a thing as middle ground. The solution might seem very simple to many of you. It may be so obvious that you might think reading this was a waste of time. But you would be surprised how sometimes the most obvious and simple solutions are often ignored...leading to things like failed marriages. The solution was...I told my wife to ask my mom how to work the washing machine before we left. This accomplishes a very important thing. It looks good to my mom that my wife is taking the initiative. Secondly, my mom knows we have to go to Universal Studios so she will undoubtedly say something like, "Don't worry about it because you guys have to leave so I will show you after you guys come back." So it's not DOING the laundry that's important right now, it's about SHOWING my mom that she had the thought to do it. (And after all, she DID originally have the thought, which is the most important thing.) This solution offers the middle ground and is a win-win. And it worked out EXACTLY, like how I had envisioned. See? This marriage thing ain't that hard. I don't know why everybody is trippin...

Since that day, I have made many tiny little compromises. Even a stubborn asshole like me has to sacrifice something if I want a successful marriage. It's too bad our society is going away from this idea. Society as a whole has become one big stubborn asshole. The only way it will learn, is if all of the little individual stubborn assholes that make up the one big stubborn asshole can change the way they approach things and learn the concept of the middle ground. So if you know any of these tiny little stubborn assholes...please refer them to this blog!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Healthcare: Consider It Solved!

When I wrote about how to fix the education system a couple months back, it was a pretty simple solution. Make teachers smarter. Make people take school more seriously. Make education a private industry. Boom! Done! Fixed! Send me the check in the mail America. The healthcare issue however, is a bit more complicated. Don't get me wrong. I am smart as hell...So it's not complicated to me. By complicated I meant that my explanation might be hard for the rest of you to understand. But I am not going to let your stupidity stop me from writing an article about a brilliant way to solve this issue. So let's get started.

Let's first tackle this dumbass question of whether healthcare is a right or a privilege. Who the fuck cares? It's neither. Healthcare is healthcare! It's like any other fucking product or service out there. You get what you can fucking afford! Let's take food for example. Is food a right? Well...that depends on what your definition of "right" is. In terms of the United States constitution, there is some shit in there about everyone being entitled to equality and voting and not being enslaved and civil liberties and all that...but nothing as far I know about being entitled to food or not starving. So in those terms, food is not a right. Some would define "right" on a more primitive basis. They would argue that all humans being born are entitled to basic necessities such as food just on a pure humanity level. These people would say food is a right. But if you are going to argue in primitive terms, why stop there? Take it a step further. Humans are animals. Animals are part of nature. And nature doesn't guarantee shit! Whether it is a tiger in Bengal that can't find prey, a polar bear that can't find fish, or a giraffe that can't find trees in a drought, animals die all the time due to lack of food. Why should nature be any different for humans? In those terms, food is not a right. Do you see what I mean here? These are retarded questions with no real answers that lead to no practical solutions. The whole right vs. privilege bullshit is just some cool play on words being used as political rhetoric in order to influence people. Here is the bottom line: Healthcare is just like anything else in the world. Poor people eat cans of beans that cost 89 cents. Rich people eat 70 dollar lobsters. Healthcare should be the same. You have a right to as much of it as you want, as long as you have the ability to pay for it. Now I know what you are thinking. You might be saying to yourself that what I am describing is healthcare being a privilege. And I am saying that go fuck yourself! If you want to call it a privilege, be my guest. All I am saying is that healthcare is like anything else. Whether you call it a right or a privilege or whatever...makes no difference to me and arguing over it does absolutely nothing to solve the problem. 

Now if you are really smart, your next thought should be this: Healthcare is not like anything else because there are cheap alternatives to almost everything else. If that was your next thought please pat yourself on the back. Because after reading the last paragraph anyone with any kind of significant neural activity in their brain would have that thought. Now let me address that thought. Let's go back to the food example. I mentioned the whole poor people eat beans vs. rich people eat lobsters thing. Smart people would say that at least there are 89 cent cans of beans available for poor people. But what is the 89 cent can of bean equivalent in healthcare? On the whole, all of healthcare is pretty damn expensive regardless of quality of care. Healthcare doesn't provide nearly as much of a range of extremely cheap to expensive luxurious options that food does. Well you know what? I think it does. As matter of fact, I think the cheap version of healthcare is so cheap...that it's actually free! Hell, it might even save people money! It's called........drum rollllllllllllllllllllllll.........PREVENTATIVE CARE!!!!!!

If we are going to solve this healthcare issue as a nation, everyone will need to understand one very important thing. We are not going to solve this only by making laws or policies. A genuine desire and motivation to change one's behavior for the better will be required by masses of people across the country. And the behavior improvement will for the most part need to be on the part of the poor. Listen to me poor people. You are poor. You need to understand that many of the illnesses (diabetes, heart disease, STDs, most infectious disease, AIDS, some cancers) that you are complaining about treating can be PREVENTED. So you have absolutely no right to complain about not being able to afford healthcare regarding those issues that could have been PREVENTED by living a healthier life. Now don't get me wrong. I breathe Taco Bell food instead of oxygen. Often times I eat my biggest meal of the day after midnight. I eat literally zero fruits or vegetables. I drive my benz like a maniac on meth. I drink public water when I visit India. I don't put the paper on the seat when I use a public toilet. In no way shape or form do I live a healthy life. So me telling people to live a healthy life may sound hypocritical. But you know what? It's not! Because I can afford treatment for my eventual diabetes and heart disease. I can afford treatment when I catch hepatitis from drinking sugarcane juice off a cart. I can afford treatment when I break my neck in a wreck. I can afford treatment when I catch gonorrhea from the airport toilet. Those are luxuries I can afford! Just like the 70 dollar lobster. Poor people can't! But guess what? They can very easily avoid all of those things by living a better a life than me and not doing all of those unhealthy things. That's their 89 cent can of beans! So if you know you can't afford healthcare, all you have to do is live healthier...and raise your kids to do the same...and that takes care of 90% of your health concerns.

So what about the other 10%? What about all of those things that cannot be helped or controlled or avoided? Well...first, let's take out the 90% I talked about. Maybe that 90% is actually closer to 60% in reality. Or maybe it's closer to 99%. Regardless, it's definitely the majority and a huge chunk. So if you throw out all of the healthcare costs behind accidents that could have been avoided by driving safer, heart disease that could have been avoided by diet and exercise, all of the diseases that could have been avoided by not smoking, drinking or doing drugs, all of the STDs that could have been avoided by practicing safe sex or abstinence, all of the unwanted pregnancies that could have been avoided by making better choices, all of the mental disorders that could have been avoided by living a better family life, all of the children's disorders that could have been avoided by raising your kids right, what are you really left with? Accidents that couldn't have been avoided, diseases that couldn't be prevented (mainly cancer, etc) and some other miscellaneous stuff? First of all, by eliminating even SOME of the avoidable stuff I mentioned, we are saving the healthcare system TRILLIONS. That's TRILLIONS of dollars being saved by patients, insurance companies, the healthcare industry, and the government. By using some of those trillions of dollars towards making sure EVERYONE is covered from the unavoidable stuff, we have essentially solved the healthcare crisis. Obviously this is easier said than done. But let's just say the first step actually happens. Let's say people who can't afford their own healthcare actually start living healthier...and everyone starts saving on healthcare costs like I mentioned. Then here are some things that would be possible.

1. The Medicare and Medicaid programs don't have to bleed money by paying for all of those avoidable diseases and their treatment. The money saved can be used to:
a. Provide treatment for the poor who have those unavoidable problems. I believe eventually Medicare and Medicaid should be used ONLY for this purpose.
b. Encourage and provide incentives to healthcare professionals to promote preventative care to the poor in turn saving even more money.

2. The insurance companies don't have to spend more money by paying for all the avoidable stuff which means less costs for them but more importantly, they don't have an excuse to raise premiums. Lower premiums means more people can afford to be insured means less burden on the government programs.

3. If most of the illnesses are being avoided, it means there are less people going to the doctor's offices. Doctor's offices might not like that but they can be incentivized by government and insurance companies to do more preventative care. Less people going to the doctors for stupid shit means doctors can spend more time behind someone who actually needs it and provide a better quality of care instead of relying on seeing a high volume of patients in a short amount of time. Same can be said for pharmacies. Pharmacist can then be compensated based on consultations, medication therapy management, and treatment follow-up rather than the volume of prescriptions.

This is just a short list. There are endless possibilities that can happen if we can just get those who cannot afford healthcare to stop needing it so much. But like I said, this cannot happen by some magic law that Obama passes or some policy that republicans and democrats keep arguing over. This kind of genuine change in thought and behavior can only happen if the masses of millions of people can be persuaded to do the right thing. So forget Obamacare or universal healthcare. You have no right to universal healthcare if you don't live a healthy lifestyle. And if you do live a healthy lifestyle, then chances are you probably won't need universal healthcare. And in the off chance that you do need help, it will be available because you saved the system money by living healthily. It's that simple. Or complicated. Now let me get off my high horse and end my lecture on living healthily by eating a tub of buttered popcorn at 2AM before going to sleep.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

A Letter From Pharmacists To Dentists

As the smartest, wisest, sharpest, and the the most overall greatest pharmacist on the planet, when it comes to the following issue, I would like to speak on behalf all of my brothers and sisters who share the same profession. The issue is regarding dentists and dental offices. Recently, I wrote an open letter to every single dentist and dental student in the world. Was it an imaginary letter? Yes. But that is not what is important. Here is the letter:

Dear tooth "doctors",

You are not real doctors. You went to dental school because you could not go to medical school. Can you say the same thing about us pharmacists? Absolutely. But at least we can blame that on our laziness. You guys are stupid enough to be in school and work just as hard as MDs and still not be considered real doctors. I don't mean to offend you. Many of you are very good friends of mine. But the truth hurts. You may be wondering why I am being such a dick to you. Well, just read the rest of this letter. 

I don't know which fucktard in the government decided that you guys should be allowed to prescribe medications. Probably some corrupt lawmaker who is taking money from the dental lobbyists. But if you guys are going to be prescribing antibiotics for your little dental procedures that can be performed by a nine year-old with Down syndrome, at least have the fucking decency, accountability, and professionalism to know what the fuck you are prescribing. What exactly do I mean by "know what you are prescribing"? I don't know exactly how much teaching they do in dental school about prescription antibiotics. But that is not what I mean. Any halfwit can look through the IDSA or an antibiotics treatment flow chart and pick a decent antibiotic. You may know about the drug you are prescribing but do you really UNDERSTAND the prescription? 

For example, when you prescribe clindamycin solution for a dental procedure, do you really know what you are doing? Now clindamycin may be a perfectly acceptable drug of choice in terms of pure medical science. But do you have any idea how much it fucking costs? Do you understand that your patient has no insurance and that they are not going to pay $70 for a prophylactic antibiotic especially when they just spent $300 at your fucking office? As a medical professional, you need to not only know the science, but also know the patient, and their situation. Just fucking prescribe some amoxicillin or keflex, stick a nitrous tube up your ass (and up mine), and call it a night!

Now go back to the part where I said know what you are prescribing. And this time, I literally mean know what you are prescribing. Too many times in my short miserable career have I come across prescriptions written by dentists with the wrong dosages. Whether it is a drug that is not available in that strength, or an improper dosage, I have spent way too much time and energy calling dentists offices for clarifications, especially when I have the medical expertise to change the prescription and make it appropriate, but do not have the legal ability to do so. So in case you were too hungover to attend this lecture in dental school, here are a couple of lessons that I think you guys should take note of. 

1. Naproxen does not come in 600mg

2. Ibuprofen 800mg should only be taken 3 times per day. 1-2 q4-6h is not a standard sig you can put on anything you write for. Some shit has limits. 

3. Vicodin contains 5mg of hydrocodone and 500mg of acetaminophen. Norco 5 on the other hand, contains the same amount of hydrocodone but only 325mg of acetaminophen. 

4. The official max daily dose of acetaminophen is 4g. The recommended is 3.2g. 

5. 6g is more than 4g. 

6. Max means maximum. 

7. Maximum means you cannot give more than that. 

8. Therefore, if you use logic, you can deduce that 6g of acetaminophen in one day is way too fucking much! Unless of course you are purposefully trying to cause liver damage. In that case, it is perfectly ok! As long as the patient has perfect teeth, it makes no fucking difference to you does it?

9. The sky is blue.

Here is another question for all of you dentists. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU HIRING TO RUN YOUR OFFICES??? I cannot count how many fucking times I have called and asked to change the drug on a prescription, and the fucking bitch on the other end just goes yea that is ok, without consulting you (the dentist). As if she fucking knows the difference. The following is a list of things/animals/people whose medical opinion is worth the same as a dental assistant's:

1. A rock

2. A retarded rock

3. A monkey who was born 2 months premature and then subsequently dropped on his head 

4. My turd

5. My turd's turd

6. Sarah Palin

7. Sarah Palin's turd

8. A black or Hispanic doctor (oxymoron,if they existed)

Wait, I take it back. The monkey's medical opinion might actually be worth more. I mean seriously. Just because this bitch took some bullshit 6 week course from ITT tech and printed out a diploma on her home printer makes her some sort of an expert on medications? But you know what? I don't have time to fuck around. So if they go ahead and change or approve shit on their own willy nilly, I just fucking take their name down and accept it. (And so does every other retail pharmacist.) That way, when shit hits the fan, we know who to blame. So my dear dentists, please exercise some control over your fucking staff, and be careful who you hire. Also, please don't try to be like real doctors and pretend you are busy when I am on hold on the phone.

That is all. 

From your fellow pretend-doctors, 

Pharmacists!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. No hard feelings black or Hispanic people.

The Bullshit Radar Part 2 - Mental Health

In case you missed it, or you need a refresher on what exactly the Bullshit Radar is, here is part 1. Let's just jump right into it. I think the whole mental health field is a bunch of bullshit. And that, would be what you would call an understatement. Let's break this bitch down.

Here is a message for all of you out there in the world that claim you are suffering from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, ADD, ADHD, and all of the other bullshit mental disorders that are being over-diagnosed out there. (Only extreme cases of psychosis are the true mental disorders. The REAL crazy people. The straight jacket type.) We have become a society full of pussies. There. I said it. It had to be said and I just did. So deal with it. Everyone claiming to be suffering from this shit needs to man the fuck up. Nut up. Sack up. Shut up. Whatever you want to say and however you want to say it, the message is clear. All of your bullshit made-up pussy disorders are setting off my Bullshit Radar. 

Depression? Really? Let's take every single person in this country who is diagnosed with clinical depression. Out of that group, let me talk directly to about 70% of you: What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? Seriously. You live in the best country on the planet. There are so many fucking resources spent in this country for the production of entertainment. There are countless TV shows, movies, theaters, clubs, strip clubs, casinos, malls, arcades, video games, playgrounds, recreation centers, camping grounds, hiking trails, whorehouses, swimming pools, beaches, fields, sports games, bars, pool halls, bowling alleys, golf courses, websites, restaurants, extreme activities, amusement parks, theme parks, ski resorts, spas, hotels, comedy clubs, and once again...strip clubs. SO CHEER UP AND MAKE USE OF THOSE THINGS! Because if you can afford to go see a doctor for some bullshit reason like depression, chances are, you can damn sure afford to have some fun! Here is another tip. Whatever is bothering you...whatever is making you depressed...don't think about it. It's pretty simple. Because chances are that whatever it is, it's probably not a real problem. It's probably some silly shit like your dad bought you a forty thousand dollar car instead of a sixty thousand dollar car. There is NOTHING depressing enough in the world that can happen that would cause you to have a so called "clinical" disorder...at least not permanently.

Now, as for the 30% of you that actually DO have something to be depressed about such as being fired, being cheated on, or having a loved one die in a horrible way...you STILL don't have a reason to be LIFELONG depressed. Here is the advice for you. Take a day. Take two. Or even a week. A month. Don't pussy out and go to the doctor with a sad face and ask for antidepressants. Take that time and drown your sorrows in whatever way suits you best. Alcohol, women, gambling, drugs, whatever. But only for that time. THEN GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! As for me personally, I can see myself drowning my sorrows in all of the above in one epic night by getting drunk with whores while gambling and being high on drugs...like a real man. But after that night, I would go on with my life...without antidepressants...like a real man...because your so called depression doesn't really exist. It's all in your head and all you have to do is change the way you think.

I also have a message for those of you suffering from your so called anxiety disorders. Bullshit!!! Here is an idea. Instead of wasting time on a psychologist/psychiatrist/medications, how about you just take whatever it is that is making you anxious, and don't let it make you anxious. Just don't let it bother you. It's that simple. I don't understand why people just can't let whatever it is that is bothering them, not bother them. I do it all the time. Do you really think I like being at work when the pharmacy gets CRAZY busy and chaotic? Do you see me melting down and having a panic attack and being all anxious like a pussy? I had all the reason to do that this past week when a patient passed out on me after I gave him a shot. But NO! I didn't! I was calm. Because I just tell myself that I am not going to let it bother me...like a fucking man.

The same goes for all of these kids running around on Adderall and Ritalin. They don't fucking have a disease. They are just stupid. Nowadays a kid can't just be stupid any more. He has to have some kind of diagnosis for his stupidity. ADD and ADHD are bullshit! They don't exist. At least not in the massive numbers that we diagnose them at. Your kid just needs slap on the ass and a good pep talk. Stop filling his mouth with drugs. And you know what is the main factor in why kids are stupid? I'll give you three guesses. If you don't get it in three guesses, you either are one of them or you have a set of them. That's right...stupid parents and their stupid parenting.

All this pussying out by today's society and coming with bullshit excuses for being sad and miserable has created a whole new bullshit "medical" field. It is called psychology. Most of these so called health professionals don't know shit. They are talking out of their asses just like the diamond salesmen I talked about in part 1. The only thing they are useful for is listening. Human beings just feel better when they vent. When they can talk to someone who would listen. They just need a shoulder to cry on. And guess what? You can do that shit for free with people you know. You don't need to pay a stranger a hundred bucks an hour to do that shit and then have them spit some bullshit out of their mouths.

This might have been my most offensive article. Even more offensive than when I proposed that children dieing might not be such a terrible thing. If you feel offended. I am sorry. Truly. But that doesn't make me wrong. So don't even think about being more depressed. Be angry. Anger is good. (Maybe not good but better than being sad all the time.) Take it out on me. If it would make you a more tougher human being and less of a sad sack of shit, then I will be happy to take one for the team and be your metaphorical or even literal punching bag. I would much rather have an anger problem than depression or anxiety. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE"!!! Even if there was a chemical imbalance, you can just do the shit I told you and get over it. So throw out your Ativan, Ritalin, Adderall, and Xanax. Actually, wait a second...don't throw it out. Just give it to me...I'll "dispose" it in the proper manner if you know what I mean...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Bullshit Radar: Part 1 - Cars and Diamonds

Here is a summary of life: You are born. You grow up. You die. In between those things, you learn stuff and gain knowledge about the world. It's amazing how much you have still to learn about the world when you are a child. Thousands of hard drives can be filled by the sheer amount of how much more knowledge an adult knows compared to a child. There are certain things that you can only learn by experience when you grow up and do adult things. The Bullshit Radar is one of those things. (I am capitalizing the term Bullshit Radar in hopes that it becomes some kind of official concept/thing.) Let me explain.

Humans are not born with the ability to recognize bullshit. A baby's bullshit perception is nonexistent. They will believe anything. When you play 'got your nose' with them, they truly believe you are in possession of their nose in your hand. You can even have wild sex in front of a baby and they would have no idea what the hell is going on. It would be pretty much like having sex in front of a retarded monkey in a coma. Then somewhere around the age of 3-4, they start developing some sort of a primitive Bullshit Radar. At that point, they are too old to play 'got your nose' because they can smell your bullshit coming from a mile away. But their Radars are nowhere close to being fully functional. So they still fall for your bullshit lies like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. They even believe the Boogeyman will come and get them if they don't tuck into bed and go to sleep. Then around 9-10 years of age, the Bullshit Radar starts maturing. They can detect the Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy bullshit but they still don't have the ability to understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. They will believe you when you tell them that mommy and daddy are just playing a game to see who can shout louder. If they walk in on you banging, they will believe you when you say daddy and mommy are just wrestling. Then they grow up and become teenagers. Now their Bullshit Radar is going off all over the place. They can sense all kinds of bullshit coming from adults, including their parents, teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors.

So how does someone develop their Bullshit Radar? One word. Experience! A baby eventually realizes you cannot physically remove their nose. Bullshit detected! One year the kids catch you putting gifts under the tree or money under the blanket. Bullshit detected! A teenager finally realizes all those "shouting matches" now make sense after the parents got a divorce. Bullshit detected! With experience, you learn to detect bullshit. The Bullshit Radar becomes fully functional when you finally grow up, make a living for yourself, and go through adult experiences...And with that lengthy but necessary set up intro...I am finally proud to declare that my Bullshit Radar is fully operational!

The car and diamond businesses are two of the most obvious and well known adult experiences that will set off people's Bullshit Radars. But you cannot REALLY know how much bullshit is spewed in these industries until you experience it first hand. Having recently bought a Benz and a diamond ring, I can tell you 99% of what you hear is 100% genuine grade-A bullshit! Diamonds are priced based on clarity, color, cut, spots, etc. Give me a fucking break! Nobody knows shit. The salesman will show you on a microscope that one diamond has some spots or better clarity than another diamond. You can't tell shit! They all look the same. And let's just say that they are right. Even if there really was a difference, if you need a motherfucking microscope to find flaws in a diamond then what the hell does it matter? Nobody is going to fucking walk around with a microscope to show people how flawless their diamond is. All that matters is how they look to the naked eye...and to the naked eye, they all look the same! It's all a bunch of crap to make you spend money. I can take a fancy and shiny piece of glass, put in fancy packaging, fabricate a receipt for ten thousand dollars, and give it to 99% of the girls out there and they wouldn't know shit. Even the so-called experts can't REALLY tell the true value of a diamond without looking at how they paid for it themselves.

Worst than the diamond salesman is the car salesman. A diamond salesman lies to himself when he thinks he knows what he's talking about. But a car salesman lies to YOU. Straight up. I had a salesman tell me he was making literally $60 profit on a Range Rover at the price he was offering me and he could not negotiate even dollar further. I walked out. A week later he called me saying he had lowered the price by thousand dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? So you are telling me now you are going to lose $940 on that car? Get the fuck out of here! I ended up buying a different car somewhere else, but I guarantee you if I go back after another month the price would be lowered another two thousand dollars and they would still be making at least four thousand dollars profit on it. (Actually, just out of curiosity I looked up their price right now and guess what? LOWERED ANOTHER $700! Excuse me for a second while I turn off the alarm on my Bullshit Radar.)

There are so many other things that set off my Bullshit Radar. Some of those things I do not want to share on here because it would offend and upset some of my closest friends. Let's just say...it's complicated. What I REALLY wanted to talk about was the bullshit concept of "Mental Health." When I thought about writing this article, I figured I would start off by writing about the car and diamond examples in the introduction and then move on to mental health, which would be the meat of what the article was really about. But that's just the thing about bullshit...there is so much of it in the world! This article would have become way too long. So I had to split it into a 2-parter (or possibly more). Stay tuned for part 2, where I guarantee the majority of you will be offended/upset/angry after reading it.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

ENGLISH GODDAMNIT!!!

Remember in high school when you started every essay you wrote with a quote from a famous person? Well...here it goes...

"Any concept of one person being superior to another can lead to racism."
-Walter Lang
"As much as everyone wants to downplay racism, it exists."
-Steve Mitchell
“Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
- Muhammad Ali
"Everyone says they are not a racist...until their daughter brings home a big black dude..."
- Mukesh Patel

I don't know about you, but to me, that last guy sounds the wisest. There seems to be a dose of reality and honesty in his quote. Here is my point: While you are reading this article...or after you are done reading it, there may be many points where you may think I am a racist. At that point, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember the last quote. You see my friends...racism in this country has become one of those things that we have overcompensated on. Just like with feminism, child safety, flight security, freedom of choice, environmentalism, and mental health, we have gone overboard. I understand the sensitive nature of racism in this country due to events that happened in the past. But in order to compensate, we have become way too race sensitive...and as a result, we have ignored obvious and harsh truths due to our fear of being "racist." This article is about one of those obvious and harsh truths. Fortunately for the good of society, I have the balls to say it! And with that preamble...let the "racist" cursing rant begin...

PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY NEED TO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying "When in Rome do as the Romans do."? That saying was not created just so that people would explore new cultures and try new things. It also means WHEN YOU LIVE IN A PARTICULAR COUNTRY...AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREEDOMS AND BENEFITS PROVIDED BY THAT COUNTRY...HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT AND A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THAT COUNTRY. YOU OWE AT LEAST THAT MUCH TO THAT COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EXPECT TO BE A FUNCTIONING CITIZEN AND MEMBER OF SOCIETY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NATION'S FUCKING LANGUAGE?

I think EVERYONE coming into this country regardless of race should be required to know how to speak English...at least at a very basic level. But we all know there is a certain ethnicity of people that come from a certain direction on the globe (SOUTH) that is the most guilty of this crime of ignorance. If I were to actually say it, people would call me racist. Even though we all know it is 1000% true. Fuck it...I'll say it anyways. MEXICANS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE IN FUCKING AMERICA NOW! NOT MEXICO! Although I understand some parts of Santa Ana, Inland Empire, and the Valley have now become indistinguishable from your typical Mexican town, nevertheless, they are still in the fucking United fucking States of fucking America!!!!!

I cannot begin to count how many fucking times I answer the phone at work or greet a customer and the first words I hear are, "Habla Espanol?" NO I DON'T FUCKING HABLA ESPANOL. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA. SO IF YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU, GO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! Don't get me wrong. I am not white. I am Indian. So in terms of race, I probably have a lot more in common with the Mexicans than I do with white people. I even have a great appreciation for Mexican culture. (Especially the food and booze.) Even though I spent 8 years in India without knowing about the existence of Mexico, a majority of the calories I have consumed in my life have probably come from Mexican food and its derivatives. But this is not an issue of culture or race or language superiority. It is a question of a sense of responsibility and respect for your country/society of residence. If I was in living in Mexico and some gringo redneck started talking to me in English, I would say the something to him and expect him to learn Spanish.

How the hell can someone come to this country and never fucking learn English? How the fuck do they function independently? I understand the fact that there is a growing Hispanic population and they are even starting to become the majority in some places. But English is still the unofficial official language of this country. The majority of the country still speaks English and will continue to speak it for a long time. All of the road signs are in English. Most of the functions carried out in daily life are carried out in English. Most forms that we have to fill out in this country are only available in English. With all of this...it's sad that English is not even a priority of most Hispanic immigrants in this country.

I understand that these immigrants have to worry about basic necessities like jobs and food and homes. But what is more basic than language? Don't you think they would have an easier time finding all of those things if they spoke English? Look...no one is asking these people to become Rhodes scholars. BUT AT LEAST MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT PEOPLE! Just a basic understanding of English that doesn't require them to start every conversation with the words "Habla Espanol?" would be sufficient. My family and I are also immigrants. We didn't know a lick of English when we came here. FORTUNATELY FOR ME...UNLIKE MOST HISPANICS...I GAVE A CRAP IN SCHOOL. So I learned English...probably better than most white people that were born here. As for my parents? Well...they aren't going to win a Pulitzer Prize any time soon. But you know what? They know enough English that they can interact successfully with other people without asking them if they speak Gujarati or Hindi. It's called EFFORT! C'mon Mexicans...at least make a fucking effort to learn/speak the language of the country you tried so hard coming to.

The forefathers of this country did a great job creating our government. It was probably one of the greatest creations of mankind. But unfortunately, they did not anticipate (and there is no way they could have) the language problem this country would have in the future. They should have written a law that restricted freedom of language. Anyone and everyone should be free to speak whatever language they want...as long as they know how to speak English too. I want to preserve my mother tongue. I will teach my kids the language of my homeland. I will make sure they speak it in the house. But you know what? Outside the walls of my house, if they want to be functioning members of society, they will need to learn English. Immigrants of ALL races need to realize this fact.

Even though I have this belief, being a medical professional, I am in a sticky situation. I expect my patients to speak English but if they do not, I cannot deny them my medical advice just because they don't speak the same language as me. (I should be able to deny them this but I have to follow some bullshit concept known as ethics. What a load of crap...) So since these people won't learn fucking English, me being a professional and all...I should be the bigger person and learn fucking Spanish. So after all of this ranting and raving about learning English...I admit it...I am pussying out and downloading a bootlegged copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish and learning Spanish probably as you are reading this. But you know what? Even when I DO learn Spanish...I am not going to use it. You know why? Take a guess...That's right...BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA GODDAMNIT!!!!!

Bros Before Hos: Why dudes prefer other dudes over girls (No homo)

Before I start this article, I need everyone to understand one very important concept. It is the No Homo concept. Everyone should be familiar with this concept but in case you are not, here is the explanation. If you say something that may sound homosexual but you meant it in a completely non-sexual/heterosexual/non-homosexual way...you should say the phrase "no homo" after it. For example:

"Kobe is such a baller. I love him...no homo." If I didn't say "no homo," there is a small chance that this phrase can be interpreted to mean that I am in love with Kobe Bryant and would like take it up the ass from him...which would be inaccurate. (I think)

This concept is very innovative and useful. And because I am not an asshole who steals or takes credit for other people's ideas, I must give credit to its origin. The Boondocks. Here is another explanation of this concept straight from its origin.

Now that you are all familiar with this concept, I can move on. You will read many things in this article that may sound gay. But that is why I will be putting the words "no homo" after all of them. Just in case I miss a couple of them while editing this, here is a preemptive NO HOMO for the entire article.

This past weekend I had eight guy friends from back in my Phoenix days stay over at my place since they were in town. No homo. It was great to see some of the homies after a year. No homo. This got me thinking about something. Guys are a lot more comfortable around their guy friends than they are around girls...any girls...and in many cases...even their wives. No homo. 

Why is that? Even though I hadn't seen these dudes in months, the jokes, wise cracks, and conversations picked up as if I had never left AZ. The chemistry between guys-guys flows much better than between guys-girls. No homo. It doesn't matter if they haven't seen each other in years. A dude will be more comfortable just kickin it with his homie(s) who he hasn't seen in a year than with his current female counterpart. No homo. The explanation behind this phenomenon is very simple: Sex! (The answer to all of life's questions...along with money!)

Let me explain. With the exception of family members, there is sexual tension between all men and all women. This is true no matter what the relationship, age, situation, or circumstance. There is sexual tension between teacher and student. There is sexual tension between cop and prisoner. There is sexual tension between doctor and patient. There is sexual tension between boss and employee. There is sexual tension between cashier and customer. There is sexual tension between stewardess and pilot/passenger. And most of all, there is sexual tension between "just friends." I have heard so much BULLSHIT about how a girl thinks of a guy friend who is not biologically related to her as a "brother." (Or viceversa.) You better get the fuck out here if you expect me to believe that load of donkey jizz! Along with people who believe money has nothing to do with marriage, people who believe men and women can be true friends without sexual tension belong in the first graduating class of SNUP. (School for Naive and Unrealistic People)

This kind of sexual tension is the reason behind why guys are more comfortable with other guys than they are with women. No homo. And by sexual tension I mean the fact that the guy wants to fuck the woman. Dear women of this world: Do not kid yourself. Any guy being nice to you for any kind of reason is not doing it because he simply wants to be your friend or is just a "nice" guy. He wants to put his penis into your vagina and secrete semen. He may not say it out loud or even believe it himself. But don't be naive. Subconsciously, there is a desire deep down in there to have sex with you and that is the core reason why he is your "friend" or being nice to you. Trust me on this one. And because there is none of that going on between dudes and other dudes, straight guys will always be more comfortable spending time with other straight guys than women. No homo. Even if they may prefer the company of their girl over their friends at some times, deep down, their mind will be more at ease with their buddies. No homo.

If you need more proof behind my theory, just look at gay guys. No homo. Why do you think gay guys get along so well with girls?  Have you ever noticed an openly gay guy hanging with his friends? I have. No homo. You know what else I have noticed? All of those friends have vaginas! (Therefore, logic deduces that they are girls.) For them, it is the opposite. They are more comfortable hanging out with women. But gay dudes DO have sexual tension with other dudes. And that's why they can't hang out with them...Yes homo.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly, 
The King of Nothing

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY...MOOONNNEEEYYY!!!!!

Before you start reading...please play this video, minimize the window, and listen to the audio before you continue reading. It is exactly the song I had in mind while writing this article. You will understand what this article is trying to say much better if you have the music in the background. 

After my latest trip to Vegas, I have learned many things. Some of life's many mysteries can be solved using the lessons learned from the various things that happen in the streets, clubs, casinos, and hotel rooms of this great city. Perfect idea for another article. But right now my mind is consumed by the most important thing in Las Vegas (and the rest of the world!). MONEY! Money is great. Money buys education. Money buys knowledge. Money buys health. Money buys safety. Money buys security. Money buys happiness. Money buys love. Money buys peace. And most of all, MONEY BUYS MORE MONEY!!!!!

First let us tackle the myth that money does not buy love. If that was the case, countless marriage decisions would not involve money in some way or another. EVERYONE HAS "A NUMBER". For gold-digging whores that "number" might be relatively low. For hot actresses and supermodels that "number" may be higher. And for faithful housewives that "number" may be astronomically high. But nevertheless, everyone has "a number." As for me? That number is probably a billion. That is how much money it would take for me to be some fat old ugly lady's boy toy husband. (One can only dream...) So money does by love. It just may have to be A LOT of it. Even when it is not a lot, money is still is a heavy factor. If you are a married woman, think about your husband. When you first met him, however or under whatever circumstances it may have been, if he was COMPLETELY broke and/or had absolutely no prospects in life (I am talking like living on the streets with no plans of a future), and everything else about him was the same, would you currently be with him? If you are a married man, think about the same thing in reverse (unless you planned on her being a housewife) but also ask yourself if your wife would still be with you if you were a bum. If anyone is saying "yes" in any one of these scenarios, let me speak to you directly: "Don't kid yourself. Get your head out of your ass and face reality. Welcome to the real world. You should be enrolled in the SNUP." (School for Naive and Unrealistic People...I am starting it.) Some of you may say money is only one of the factors. But that may be only because most people don't have A LOT of it. If they did, and that amount started getting closer to "the number" money would matter more and more...until it was the single most important factor and eventually the only factor. Nevertheless...money buys love!

Here is another piece of crap phrase uttered by those who are what we call retards: "Money does not buy happiness." You know who says that? Two kinds of people. 1) People without money. 2) People with money who are too stupid to know what to do with it. If you use your money right, it can definitely bring happiness. I will gladly trade the problems of a happy poor person for those of a sad rich person. Give me the riches and I won't mind being sad all day lying around moping on my pile of cash. I'll even deal with all the stress from taxes, investments, and security. I will gladly try to extinguish my stress and sadness by indulging in supermodels, jet skis, Bentlys, and mansions...and an unlimited supply of Taco Bell.

But even if you are not as superficial as I am, and you find happiness and much simpler and/or spiritual things, money still helps. Imagine how much time you would have to go and find happiness at your place of worship if you didn't have to worry about nagging things in life such as a job or mortgage or tuition or loans. Imagine how much traveling and "soul searching" you can do if you were set for life. If you find happiness in your family life, money helps with that as well. So money does by happiness. If you find happiness in worldly things then this fact is obvious. And if you find happiness in other things, then money frees you up to do those things to their full potential. See how great money is? So why does it get such a bad rap? Let's talk about that next.

Here are a few reasons why money gets a bad rap. Some people think negative about money because they don't have it (or enough of it). Second, people associate money with the hard work, stroke of fortune, and stress that is involved with attaining it. It is the actual persuit of money that can be negative. Not the money itself. But it's not the money's fault that it needs to be earned. It's not the money's fault that people go crazy after it. So why blame it? Why say nonsense like it doesn't buy happiness? People don't buy happiness. Money does. So before you decide you want to come home early from work and spend time with your kids...or decide to pursue a nonsense major like "art" or "music", just remember...money is a man's best friend!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Education System! What's Wrong With it & How to Fix It

Usually when I write about real world issues, I will claim modesty. I will say that I am not an expert and am just giving my humble opinion. NOT THIS TIME! I still am not an professional expert on education or anything but this one is freaking easy. I have no idea how society cannot figure this one out. It REALLY is not that hard! For the remainder of this article (and future articles) I will refer to what I call the CSTF. What is CSTF? There are various versions of it out there. But they are all pretty much the same thing. You may have heard of the concept of the Common Sense Police. CSTF is my version of that. The Common Sense Task Force. (Task force sounds more official) I am starting it. It consists of people who see problems and use the simple method of common sense to solve it. Why? Well...because it's common sense! If you don't get this concept...I don't know what to tell you. It may be a good idea for you to eliminate your defective genes and intelligence from the gene pool. Ask me if you need ways to do that.

Ok. So the first task of the CSTF is to fix the schools in this country. Our education system is a freaking joke! Do you know what lies at the heart of every singe problem we have in this country (economy, drugs, healthcare, divorce rates, teen pregnancy, etc, etc, etc)??? It is our education system. If we don't fix that, fixing everything else will be pointless. But before we can solve the problem, we must be aware of it. So let's take a look at the problems with our schools, and figure out a way to solve them.

Issue 1: Teachers don't have a high enough status/place in our society and they need to be respected more.

I am not just saying this because I am marrying a teacher. (Somehow the concept of being with a teacher was much more exciting when I was a student. Kind of ironic that I ended up with a teacher after years of fantasizing about some of my teachers as a student.) I was saying this long before my fiance decided to be a teacher. What is the average teacher's salary? $30,000? That is a freaking joke! Add teachers to the top of the underpaid professions list. I mean just think about it. The sheer amount of power teachers have in the lives of our children is enormous! They pretty much have uncontrolled access and the attention of our kids for 7 hours per day 9 months of the year. Through their teachings, opinions, and, lessons, teachers have the ability to make a huge impression on students of any age. Think about it. When I am trading stocks, I still remember the stock market project from my high school Econ class. When I read or think about the issue of war, I still draw things from the Vietnam research project I did in English. When I am considering who to vote for, I still think about some of the concepts I learned in Civics. History, physics, biology, math, PE, being on the basketball team, etc, etc, etc... All of these things have shaped my current thinking and views on the real world as an adult. And teachers control those things.

Do this for yourself. Think about the way you look at the world. Think about your opinions on history. Or your views on current issues. Or how you do your daily tasks that involve any kind of math or judgement or thinking. And then think about how much all of those things have been affected by all of the school teachers you have ever had. If you think that they have made no or little impact in your life, you are kidding yourself! Don't be naive. Teachers are the most important influence on your kids outside the home. (And for some kids, teachers have more influence than the parents.)

That is an enormous amount of power and trust we put in our teachers. But do we compensate them accordingly? No! I will make almost 4 times more money than my future wife. Is my job important? Sure. I have to make sure people get the right medicine and understand how to take it the right way...or else they can die or seriously get hurt. And I am handsomely paid for it. But am I shaping any minds? Even if you think my fiance's job as a teacher is not as important as mine, do you really think it is 4 times less important? According to the way we pay our teachers...yes. According to the CSTF...no! [Also if teachers got paid more it would greatly improve my future financial situation. But that is besides the point.]

Don't get me wrong... just because I think teachers should be paid more doesn't mean I am entirely on their side. There are some dumb ass teachers out there! If it wasn't for their teacher's edition textbook, there wouldn't be much difference between teachers and their students. But society doesn't respect teachers. Sometimes, I don't blame them. Society does need to respect teachers more. But they can only do this if the teachers have quality. If they are going to be paid more, they should be better educated. Education shouldn't be a "easy way out" major in college for those who failed at other things. That is the way it is now. Teachers should have an official and nationally uniform doctorate level degree! Just like the PharmD, DDS, JD, MD, DO, etc. Forget all this masters of education bullshit! They should have a 3 year DE (Doctor of Education) program after undergrad. College professors and specialists can go on to earn other degrees in their fields. They can get their DE before or after. But regardless, every single person in charge of a classroom at any level, should be required to get a DE. Only if our teachers are properly educated, they can be good educators themselves.

Issue 2: Parents have their heads in their asses and they need to get them out.

Kids cannot learn to respect/enjoy/value education if their parents do not raise them to. The problem is that the same generation that started hating on school is the generation that is now becoming parents. So I see this problem getting much much worse. Kids don't give a crap about school. Why? Because mom and dad didn't either! Take a look at how Chinese or Japanese parents raise their kids. I am sure there are many things they do wrong but not when it comes to education! Even more than Indians. Once I received a tardy notice for being late to school a couple of times. I wasn't even that late. But my uncle went berserk! If you walked in on the conversation, you would have thought I raped a puppy or something. After that day, I understood the importance of being on time to class. Nowadays, parents don't care if their kid is ten minutes late to school. This "laisezz faire" attitude about school is wrong! What do you expect when parents today grew up watching shows like Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World. How can you expect people to respect school and its officials when they grew up watching Principal Belding and Principal Feeny being portrayed as buffoons. The modern counterparts of these shows on the Disney Channel and ABC Family are even worse! All of this needs to change at home if any of us wants our kids to grow up and be decent smart people. Forget about global warming and saving the planet, this should be our top priority if we want to save the future and leave a good life for our kids!

Problem 3: Education has become dumb and worthless. It needs to smarten up and become a priority.

Here is what I am talking about. We keep telling ourselves that there are all of these problems when it comes to education. Most of them revolve around not having enough money. Common sense tells us there is enough money. We just have not prioritized education high enough to use that money. If the US just had one less aircraft carrier, that would save $5 billion dollars of construction costs. You don't think that would make a HUGE impact in our schools? And I am just talking about the construction cost of one aircraft carrier! Not even counting the maintenance costs on all the toys our military has! Don't get me wrong. I am all for a strong military. We are the most powerful country on the planet. And it's because our military. But at some point, it becomes overkill. And at some point, it should become more about efficiency. Also, some of the money we throw down the gutter when we give it to entitled screw-ups in life through Medicaid (not all of them but MANY of them) can be better used in education. And what about all of these big time corporations that get away with paying trillions in taxes because they know how to work the system? Wouldn't some of that money be useful in schools? What do you think Japan has done? After getting MESSED UP by Little Boy and Fat Man in WW2, Japan essentially got rid of it's military and focused on economy and education. And now they are the smartest people and have the strongest economy on the planet.

And what about privatizing the whole damn thing? It's worked for everything else in this country so why not this? Maybe public school should only be available for those who are extremely poor. The government should privatize all of the other schools. The sheer amount of increased competition would make private schools not only more affordable, but also smarter. They would start competing to provide better and smarter education. Tax breaks can be given to those who want to start/buy/own schools. Also, by privatizing education, people without kids don't have to pay extra taxes for schools. And people with kids have a better choice and more options for education. I think that would even force people to be smarter about having kids. If they had to pay for the education from the beginning maybe those that shouldn't have kids finally wouldn't! And maybe even one day, education can go from being a financial burden to the government to being a source of revenue! [I can already see Indians owning every single school like they have with Subways and motels.]

There are many other things that can be done to fix this. I don't want to get into specifics here. But if we just stick to common sense and do what the CSTF tells us, this would turn into a much simpler issue. Forget that, it would turn into a non-issue! Using common sense to solve this issue is funny because I never actually remember learning common sense in school. There wasn't a class. I don't know where the hell it came from, but I learned it. It's unfortunate the same cannot be said about those that have the power to actually make a difference...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing