Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Bros Before Hos: Why dudes prefer other dudes over girls (No homo)

Before I start this article, I need everyone to understand one very important concept. It is the No Homo concept. Everyone should be familiar with this concept but in case you are not, here is the explanation. If you say something that may sound homosexual but you meant it in a completely non-sexual/heterosexual/non-homosexual way...you should say the phrase "no homo" after it. For example:

"Kobe is such a baller. I love him...no homo." If I didn't say "no homo," there is a small chance that this phrase can be interpreted to mean that I am in love with Kobe Bryant and would like take it up the ass from him...which would be inaccurate. (I think)

This concept is very innovative and useful. And because I am not an asshole who steals or takes credit for other people's ideas, I must give credit to its origin. The Boondocks. Here is another explanation of this concept straight from its origin.

Now that you are all familiar with this concept, I can move on. You will read many things in this article that may sound gay. But that is why I will be putting the words "no homo" after all of them. Just in case I miss a couple of them while editing this, here is a preemptive NO HOMO for the entire article.

This past weekend I had eight guy friends from back in my Phoenix days stay over at my place since they were in town. No homo. It was great to see some of the homies after a year. No homo. This got me thinking about something. Guys are a lot more comfortable around their guy friends than they are around girls...any girls...and in many cases...even their wives. No homo. 

Why is that? Even though I hadn't seen these dudes in months, the jokes, wise cracks, and conversations picked up as if I had never left AZ. The chemistry between guys-guys flows much better than between guys-girls. No homo. It doesn't matter if they haven't seen each other in years. A dude will be more comfortable just kickin it with his homie(s) who he hasn't seen in a year than with his current female counterpart. No homo. The explanation behind this phenomenon is very simple: Sex! (The answer to all of life's questions...along with money!)

Let me explain. With the exception of family members, there is sexual tension between all men and all women. This is true no matter what the relationship, age, situation, or circumstance. There is sexual tension between teacher and student. There is sexual tension between cop and prisoner. There is sexual tension between doctor and patient. There is sexual tension between boss and employee. There is sexual tension between cashier and customer. There is sexual tension between stewardess and pilot/passenger. And most of all, there is sexual tension between "just friends." I have heard so much BULLSHIT about how a girl thinks of a guy friend who is not biologically related to her as a "brother." (Or viceversa.) You better get the fuck out here if you expect me to believe that load of donkey jizz! Along with people who believe money has nothing to do with marriage, people who believe men and women can be true friends without sexual tension belong in the first graduating class of SNUP. (School for Naive and Unrealistic People)

This kind of sexual tension is the reason behind why guys are more comfortable with other guys than they are with women. No homo. And by sexual tension I mean the fact that the guy wants to fuck the woman. Dear women of this world: Do not kid yourself. Any guy being nice to you for any kind of reason is not doing it because he simply wants to be your friend or is just a "nice" guy. He wants to put his penis into your vagina and secrete semen. He may not say it out loud or even believe it himself. But don't be naive. Subconsciously, there is a desire deep down in there to have sex with you and that is the core reason why he is your "friend" or being nice to you. Trust me on this one. And because there is none of that going on between dudes and other dudes, straight guys will always be more comfortable spending time with other straight guys than women. No homo. Even if they may prefer the company of their girl over their friends at some times, deep down, their mind will be more at ease with their buddies. No homo.

If you need more proof behind my theory, just look at gay guys. No homo. Why do you think gay guys get along so well with girls?  Have you ever noticed an openly gay guy hanging with his friends? I have. No homo. You know what else I have noticed? All of those friends have vaginas! (Therefore, logic deduces that they are girls.) For them, it is the opposite. They are more comfortable hanging out with women. But gay dudes DO have sexual tension with other dudes. And that's why they can't hang out with them...Yes homo.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly, 
The King of Nothing


  1. You mentioned in another post that you are soon to be married, I wonder what your future wife will feel about this post! I hope she is apprised of your secret motivations for being nice to her. :)

    From a girl's perspective, the friend-as-brother status really DOES exist. It's a thing! BUT this is not to say that women are just as comfortable around their brothers as their friends. Not by a long shot. Women will discuss certain things with other women they barely know faster than they will discuss those same things with the men in their lives simply because the other women will be able to relate to them and are more likely to have similar experiences. True story.

    1. My wife knows what she is getting herself into...I think...I am sure there is a genuine "brother-sisterness" when a guy and girl first become friends but I have seen way too many of those kinds of relationships turn into something totally different. Even subconsciously there is something going on there at least in my opinion. There are exceptions to everything though I suppose.