A Letter From Pharmacists To Dentists

As the smartest, wisest, sharpest, and the the most overall greatest pharmacist on the planet, when it comes to the following issue, I would like to speak on behalf all of my brothers and sisters who share the same profession. The issue is regarding dentists and dental offices. Recently, I wrote an open letter to every single dentist and dental student in the world. Was it an imaginary letter? Yes. But that is not what is important. Here is the letter:

Dear tooth "doctors",

You are not real doctors. You went to dental school because you could not go to medical school. Can you say the same thing about us pharmacists? Absolutely. But at least we can blame that on our laziness. You guys are stupid enough to be in school and work just as hard as MDs and still not be considered real doctors. I don't mean to offend you. Many of you are very good friends of mine. But the truth hurts. You may be wondering why I am being such a dick to you. Well, just read the rest of this letter. 

I don't know which fucktard in the government decided that you guys should be allowed to prescribe medications. Probably some corrupt lawmaker who is taking money from the dental lobbyists. But if you guys are going to be prescribing antibiotics for your little dental procedures that can be performed by a nine year-old with Down syndrome, at least have the fucking decency, accountability, and professionalism to know what the fuck you are prescribing. What exactly do I mean by "know what you are prescribing"? I don't know exactly how much teaching they do in dental school about prescription antibiotics. But that is not what I mean. Any halfwit can look through the IDSA or an antibiotics treatment flow chart and pick a decent antibiotic. You may know about the drug you are prescribing but do you really UNDERSTAND the prescription? 

For example, when you prescribe clindamycin solution for a dental procedure, do you really know what you are doing? Now clindamycin may be a perfectly acceptable drug of choice in terms of pure medical science. But do you have any idea how much it fucking costs? Do you understand that your patient has no insurance and that they are not going to pay $70 for a prophylactic antibiotic especially when they just spent $300 at your fucking office? As a medical professional, you need to not only know the science, but also know the patient, and their situation. Just fucking prescribe some amoxicillin or keflex, stick a nitrous tube up your ass (and up mine), and call it a night!

Now go back to the part where I said know what you are prescribing. And this time, I literally mean know what you are prescribing. Too many times in my short miserable career have I come across prescriptions written by dentists with the wrong dosages. Whether it is a drug that is not available in that strength, or an improper dosage, I have spent way too much time and energy calling dentists offices for clarifications, especially when I have the medical expertise to change the prescription and make it appropriate, but do not have the legal ability to do so. So in case you were too hungover to attend this lecture in dental school, here are a couple of lessons that I think you guys should take note of. 

1. Naproxen does not come in 600mg

2. Ibuprofen 800mg should only be taken 3 times per day. 1-2 q4-6h is not a standard sig you can put on anything you write for. Some shit has limits. 

3. Vicodin contains 5mg of hydrocodone and 500mg of acetaminophen. Norco 5 on the other hand, contains the same amount of hydrocodone but only 325mg of acetaminophen. 

4. The official max daily dose of acetaminophen is 4g. The recommended is 3.2g. 

5. 6g is more than 4g. 

6. Max means maximum. 

7. Maximum means you cannot give more than that. 

8. Therefore, if you use logic, you can deduce that 6g of acetaminophen in one day is way too fucking much! Unless of course you are purposefully trying to cause liver damage. In that case, it is perfectly ok! As long as the patient has perfect teeth, it makes no fucking difference to you does it?

9. The sky is blue.

Here is another question for all of you dentists. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU HIRING TO RUN YOUR OFFICES??? I cannot count how many fucking times I have called and asked to change the drug on a prescription, and the fucking bitch on the other end just goes yea that is ok, without consulting you (the dentist). As if she fucking knows the difference. The following is a list of things/animals/people whose medical opinion is worth the same as a dental assistant's:

1. A rock

2. A retarded rock

3. A monkey who was born 2 months premature and then subsequently dropped on his head 

4. My turd

5. My turd's turd

6. Sarah Palin

7. Sarah Palin's turd

8. A black or Hispanic doctor (oxymoron,if they existed)

Wait, I take it back. The monkey's medical opinion might actually be worth more. I mean seriously. Just because this bitch took some bullshit 6 week course from ITT tech and printed out a diploma on her home printer makes her some sort of an expert on medications? But you know what? I don't have time to fuck around. So if they go ahead and change or approve shit on their own willy nilly, I just fucking take their name down and accept it. (And so does every other retail pharmacist.) That way, when shit hits the fan, we know who to blame. So my dear dentists, please exercise some control over your fucking staff, and be careful who you hire. Also, please don't try to be like real doctors and pretend you are busy when I am on hold on the phone.

That is all. 

From your fellow pretend-doctors, 

Pharmacists!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. No hard feelings black or Hispanic people.