Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Remember in high school when you started every essay you wrote with a quote from a famous person? Well...here it goes...

"Any concept of one person being superior to another can lead to racism."
-Walter Lang
"As much as everyone wants to downplay racism, it exists."
-Steve Mitchell
“Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
- Muhammad Ali
"Everyone says they are not a racist...until their daughter brings home a big black dude..."
- Mukesh Patel

I don't know about you, but to me, that last guy sounds the wisest. There seems to be a dose of reality and honesty in his quote. Here is my point: While you are reading this article...or after you are done reading it, there may be many points where you may think I am a racist. At that point, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember the last quote. You see my friends...racism in this country has become one of those things that we have overcompensated on. Just like with feminism, child safety, flight security, freedom of choice, environmentalism, and mental health, we have gone overboard. I understand the sensitive nature of racism in this country due to events that happened in the past. But in order to compensate, we have become way too race sensitive...and as a result, we have ignored obvious and harsh truths due to our fear of being "racist." This article is about one of those obvious and harsh truths. Fortunately for the good of society, I have the balls to say it! And with that preamble...let the "racist" cursing rant begin...


I think EVERYONE coming into this country regardless of race should be required to know how to speak English...at least at a very basic level. But we all know there is a certain ethnicity of people that come from a certain direction on the globe (SOUTH) that is the most guilty of this crime of ignorance. If I were to actually say it, people would call me racist. Even though we all know it is 1000% true. Fuck it...I'll say it anyways. MEXICANS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE IN FUCKING AMERICA NOW! NOT MEXICO! Although I understand some parts of Santa Ana, Inland Empire, and the Valley have now become indistinguishable from your typical Mexican town, nevertheless, they are still in the fucking United fucking States of fucking America!!!!!

I cannot begin to count how many fucking times I answer the phone at work or greet a customer and the first words I hear are, "Habla Espanol?" NO I DON'T FUCKING HABLA ESPANOL. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA. SO IF YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU, GO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! Don't get me wrong. I am not white. I am Indian. So in terms of race, I probably have a lot more in common with the Mexicans than I do with white people. I even have a great appreciation for Mexican culture. (Especially the food and booze.) Even though I spent 8 years in India without knowing about the existence of Mexico, a majority of the calories I have consumed in my life have probably come from Mexican food and its derivatives. But this is not an issue of culture or race or language superiority. It is a question of a sense of responsibility and respect for your country/society of residence. If I was in living in Mexico and some gringo redneck started talking to me in English, I would say the something to him and expect him to learn Spanish.

How the hell can someone come to this country and never fucking learn English? How the fuck do they function independently? I understand the fact that there is a growing Hispanic population and they are even starting to become the majority in some places. But English is still the unofficial official language of this country. The majority of the country still speaks English and will continue to speak it for a long time. All of the road signs are in English. Most of the functions carried out in daily life are carried out in English. Most forms that we have to fill out in this country are only available in English. With all of this...it's sad that English is not even a priority of most Hispanic immigrants in this country.

I understand that these immigrants have to worry about basic necessities like jobs and food and homes. But what is more basic than language? Don't you think they would have an easier time finding all of those things if they spoke English? Look...no one is asking these people to become Rhodes scholars. BUT AT LEAST MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT PEOPLE! Just a basic understanding of English that doesn't require them to start every conversation with the words "Habla Espanol?" would be sufficient. My family and I are also immigrants. We didn't know a lick of English when we came here. FORTUNATELY FOR ME...UNLIKE MOST HISPANICS...I GAVE A CRAP IN SCHOOL. So I learned English...probably better than most white people that were born here. As for my parents? Well...they aren't going to win a Pulitzer Prize any time soon. But you know what? They know enough English that they can interact successfully with other people without asking them if they speak Gujarati or Hindi. It's called EFFORT! C'mon Mexicans...at least make a fucking effort to learn/speak the language of the country you tried so hard coming to.

The forefathers of this country did a great job creating our government. It was probably one of the greatest creations of mankind. But unfortunately, they did not anticipate (and there is no way they could have) the language problem this country would have in the future. They should have written a law that restricted freedom of language. Anyone and everyone should be free to speak whatever language they want...as long as they know how to speak English too. I want to preserve my mother tongue. I will teach my kids the language of my homeland. I will make sure they speak it in the house. But you know what? Outside the walls of my house, if they want to be functioning members of society, they will need to learn English. Immigrants of ALL races need to realize this fact.

Even though I have this belief, being a medical professional, I am in a sticky situation. I expect my patients to speak English but if they do not, I cannot deny them my medical advice just because they don't speak the same language as me. (I should be able to deny them this but I have to follow some bullshit concept known as ethics. What a load of crap...) So since these people won't learn fucking English, me being a professional and all...I should be the bigger person and learn fucking Spanish. So after all of this ranting and raving about learning English...I admit it...I am pussying out and downloading a bootlegged copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish and learning Spanish probably as you are reading this. But you know what? Even when I DO learn Spanish...I am not going to use it. You know why? Take a guess...That's right...BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA GODDAMNIT!!!!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Bros Before Hos: Why dudes prefer other dudes over girls (No homo)

Before I start this article, I need everyone to understand one very important concept. It is the No Homo concept. Everyone should be familiar with this concept but in case you are not, here is the explanation. If you say something that may sound homosexual but you meant it in a completely non-sexual/heterosexual/non-homosexual way...you should say the phrase "no homo" after it. For example:

"Kobe is such a baller. I love him...no homo." If I didn't say "no homo," there is a small chance that this phrase can be interpreted to mean that I am in love with Kobe Bryant and would like take it up the ass from him...which would be inaccurate. (I think)

This concept is very innovative and useful. And because I am not an asshole who steals or takes credit for other people's ideas, I must give credit to its origin. The Boondocks. Here is another explanation of this concept straight from its origin.

Now that you are all familiar with this concept, I can move on. You will read many things in this article that may sound gay. But that is why I will be putting the words "no homo" after all of them. Just in case I miss a couple of them while editing this, here is a preemptive NO HOMO for the entire article.

This past weekend I had eight guy friends from back in my Phoenix days stay over at my place since they were in town. No homo. It was great to see some of the homies after a year. No homo. This got me thinking about something. Guys are a lot more comfortable around their guy friends than they are around girls...any girls...and in many cases...even their wives. No homo. 

Why is that? Even though I hadn't seen these dudes in months, the jokes, wise cracks, and conversations picked up as if I had never left AZ. The chemistry between guys-guys flows much better than between guys-girls. No homo. It doesn't matter if they haven't seen each other in years. A dude will be more comfortable just kickin it with his homie(s) who he hasn't seen in a year than with his current female counterpart. No homo. The explanation behind this phenomenon is very simple: Sex! (The answer to all of life's questions...along with money!)

Let me explain. With the exception of family members, there is sexual tension between all men and all women. This is true no matter what the relationship, age, situation, or circumstance. There is sexual tension between teacher and student. There is sexual tension between cop and prisoner. There is sexual tension between doctor and patient. There is sexual tension between boss and employee. There is sexual tension between cashier and customer. There is sexual tension between stewardess and pilot/passenger. And most of all, there is sexual tension between "just friends." I have heard so much BULLSHIT about how a girl thinks of a guy friend who is not biologically related to her as a "brother." (Or viceversa.) You better get the fuck out here if you expect me to believe that load of donkey jizz! Along with people who believe money has nothing to do with marriage, people who believe men and women can be true friends without sexual tension belong in the first graduating class of SNUP. (School for Naive and Unrealistic People)

This kind of sexual tension is the reason behind why guys are more comfortable with other guys than they are with women. No homo. And by sexual tension I mean the fact that the guy wants to fuck the woman. Dear women of this world: Do not kid yourself. Any guy being nice to you for any kind of reason is not doing it because he simply wants to be your friend or is just a "nice" guy. He wants to put his penis into your vagina and secrete semen. He may not say it out loud or even believe it himself. But don't be naive. Subconsciously, there is a desire deep down in there to have sex with you and that is the core reason why he is your "friend" or being nice to you. Trust me on this one. And because there is none of that going on between dudes and other dudes, straight guys will always be more comfortable spending time with other straight guys than women. No homo. Even if they may prefer the company of their girl over their friends at some times, deep down, their mind will be more at ease with their buddies. No homo.

If you need more proof behind my theory, just look at gay guys. No homo. Why do you think gay guys get along so well with girls?  Have you ever noticed an openly gay guy hanging with his friends? I have. No homo. You know what else I have noticed? All of those friends have vaginas! (Therefore, logic deduces that they are girls.) For them, it is the opposite. They are more comfortable hanging out with women. But gay dudes DO have sexual tension with other dudes. And that's why they can't hang out with them...Yes homo.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly, 
The King of Nothing

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Time "Wasted" = Time Well Spent!

When I waltzed into work on Friday like I owned the freaking place they told me the schedule was changed and I wasn't supposed to start work until 2 hours later. I never got the memo. But hey! I ain't gonna complain. I hate working. It's just a good thing it was close to home. So what did I decide to do with this gift of TIME? (A gain of 2 hours and a loss of around $120) Like any normal cool hip young person...I decided to use this time to write...

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot recently about the concept of time. When I went to the LAKER (not clipper- I refuse to capitalize their name. They are a joke.) game on Wednesday , it was INSANE how quickly time goes by when you are watching the game in person as opposed to on TV. That tells you one thing. Our perception of time is dependent on so many variables, like our boredom level, our fatigue level, who we are with, what we are doing, what environment we are in, etc, etc ,etc. But none of those things define time. For example, when you are doing an activity you enjoy, whether it is playing cards, getting lap dances (or so I've heard), sports, watching movies, whatever your favorite thing may be...time goes by fast. 2 hours of doing those things may feel like 20 minutes. On the other hand, when you are sitting bored out of your ass in class at pharmacy school, 2 hours of that crap might feel like 6 hours. Does that mean the length of 2 hours changes when you are having fun as opposed to when you are bored? Of course not! 2 hours is 2 hours. But all of those variables I mentioned changes our perception of those 2 hours. What the hell does all this exactly mean? Who the hell knows? I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. And that is how to make best use of my time...

Everyone always says time is the most valuable thing in the world. Time is priceless. Time is money. Never waste time. Growing up I always heard this from adults when they thought I was "wasting" time by sitting around, watching TV, playing video games, sleeping, etc, etc etc... But the way I look at it, you should be doing all of those things precisely because time is so valuable. Time is so precious, why would you spend it by doing stuff that you don't enjoy? Time is so valuable, why not spend it doing things you enjoy? If I was a "smartass" as a child, that is what my response would have been to adults who told me not to waste time. But since I wasn't a brat kid who talked back, I am saying it now...

When it comes to the debate of how time should be spent, there are many different answers out there. But there is one definite and unquestionable fact that cannot be disputed. The greatest use of time is the time spent on the crapper...Some people feel at peace when they go to their place of worship. Whether it is sitting at mass in a church, sitting in front of sacred images at a temple, or kneeling down and praying at a mosque...many people out there say they are most happy when they are worshiping God. They say a wave of peacefulness rushes through them. I am not disputing this. I have experienced this to a certain degree as well. But to be perfectly honest with you, without any hint of sarcasm or being a smartass prick, I can honestly say that I feel the most amount of peace when I am at home taking a shit. And I know for a fact that there are many people out there who agree with me. 

Don't get me wrong...there is not much peace to be felt when I am trying to drop a megaton of deuce in 10 minutes at 7 in the morning running late for work. I am talking about the dumps that you actually have time to enjoy. Like on your day off or after you come home from work, and you take your phone or a book in the john and just chill. Personally, after finishing the Hunger Games trilogy on the crapper, I have been listening to podcasts while emptying my bowels. The combination of ridding your body of feces, the releasing of all that pressure, and sitting there alone with no one to bother you makes taking a dump an extremely blissful activity. So why not spend more time in the crapper? In high school I used to wake up extra early just so I could spend more time taking a shit. Did my parents think it was abnormal? Sure. Did they have serious concerns about my health and bowel habits? Absolutely. Was I often late to school just because of the simple fact that I hated to get off the toilet and go about my day? No comment. But you know what? It was all worth it! My family kept telling me it's not such a good thing to spend so much time taking a shit. They thought it was a waste of time. I still don't understand how something that makes you so happy and peaceful can be a waste of time. I mean that is the whole point of having time...to enjoy it. If you think this is nasty or you don't agree with me...just try it first. Come back to me after you take at least a 30 minute dump and then tell me you didn't enjoy it...because you would be lying.

Enough about dumps. Let's move on to a less controversial and universally enjoyed use of time. Sleep! There is absolutely no one over the age of 12 that can disagree with me on this one. If you do...you deserve to die! Seriously! Let me start off my point by saying that I feel extremely jealous of a certain group of people. I am not talking about skinny people or filthy rich people or white people. (Even though I am jealous of all of those people.) I am talking about those people who can fall asleep at will no matter what time it is or wherever the fuck they are. I am a pretty deep sleeper once I fall asleep but unless I am in my bed and it's nighttime, I cannot fall asleep worth shit. If I am outside my house, no sleep for me. If I am trying to take a nap in the daytime, no sleep for me. If I am on a plane or in a car, no sleep for me. So to all of you who can fall asleep no matter what/where/how/when...I have two things to say to you: 1) I want your powers. 2) Fuck you I am jealous.

As a kid I never wanted to sleep. Then somewhere around middle school all that changed. I fucking value sleep so much, I would probably let a python strangle my future pregnant wife and unborn child if it meant getting a couple of hours of extra sleep. (Am I exaggerating? I guess you will just have to drop a python in my house in a few years and find out...) Sleep is great but even better is the time right after you wake up and you don't have shit to do so you go into that half-sleep/half-awake zone. That is the best use of time. I usually wake up around 8 or 9  no matter what time I go to sleep. But I don't actually get up until around 11. (On my days off of course.) Those 2-3 hours of being in that half-asleep zone is true bliss. You all know what I am talking about so don't even think about disagreeing with me on this one.

There are so many other things I can list on here that are such great uses of time, yet they would be considered a waste of time by society. It's ironic that two of the must basic human activities, shitting and sleeping, are on top of that list. The third one that belongs with them is eating. But no need to write about that one. I have already done that. And probably will again in the future. So next time someone tells you to stop wasting time when you are doing something that you enjoy, ignore them! Because the whole point of time is to enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, why live?

P.S. Never ever bother anyone that is taking a dump. The creative process is at its best when someone is shitting. They might be in there coming up with the next great invention so think twice before you knock on the bathroom door and yell at them to get out. How else do you think this awesome blog started?

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing