MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY...MOOONNNEEEYYY!!!!!

Before you start reading...please play this video, minimize the window, and listen to the audio before you continue reading. It is exactly the song I had in mind while writing this article. You will understand what this article is trying to say much better if you have the music in the background. 

After my latest trip to Vegas, I have learned many things. Some of life's many mysteries can be solved using the lessons learned from the various things that happen in the streets, clubs, casinos, and hotel rooms of this great city. Perfect idea for another article. But right now my mind is consumed by the most important thing in Las Vegas (and the rest of the world!). MONEY! Money is great. Money buys education. Money buys knowledge. Money buys health. Money buys safety. Money buys security. Money buys happiness. Money buys love. Money buys peace. And most of all, MONEY BUYS MORE MONEY!!!!!

First let us tackle the myth that money does not buy love. If that was the case, countless marriage decisions would not involve money in some way or another. EVERYONE HAS "A NUMBER". For gold-digging whores that "number" might be relatively low. For hot actresses and supermodels that "number" may be higher. And for faithful housewives that "number" may be astronomically high. But nevertheless, everyone has "a number." As for me? That number is probably a billion. That is how much money it would take for me to be some fat old ugly lady's boy toy husband. (One can only dream...) So money does by love. It just may have to be A LOT of it. Even when it is not a lot, money is still is a heavy factor. If you are a married woman, think about your husband. When you first met him, however or under whatever circumstances it may have been, if he was COMPLETELY broke and/or had absolutely no prospects in life (I am talking like living on the streets with no plans of a future), and everything else about him was the same, would you currently be with him? If you are a married man, think about the same thing in reverse (unless you planned on her being a housewife) but also ask yourself if your wife would still be with you if you were a bum. If anyone is saying "yes" in any one of these scenarios, let me speak to you directly: "Don't kid yourself. Get your head out of your ass and face reality. Welcome to the real world. You should be enrolled in the SNUP." (School for Naive and Unrealistic People...I am starting it.) Some of you may say money is only one of the factors. But that may be only because most people don't have A LOT of it. If they did, and that amount started getting closer to "the number" money would matter more and more...until it was the single most important factor and eventually the only factor. Nevertheless...money buys love!

Here is another piece of crap phrase uttered by those who are what we call retards: "Money does not buy happiness." You know who says that? Two kinds of people. 1) People without money. 2) People with money who are too stupid to know what to do with it. If you use your money right, it can definitely bring happiness. I will gladly trade the problems of a happy poor person for those of a sad rich person. Give me the riches and I won't mind being sad all day lying around moping on my pile of cash. I'll even deal with all the stress from taxes, investments, and security. I will gladly try to extinguish my stress and sadness by indulging in supermodels, jet skis, Bentlys, and mansions...and an unlimited supply of Taco Bell.

But even if you are not as superficial as I am, and you find happiness and much simpler and/or spiritual things, money still helps. Imagine how much time you would have to go and find happiness at your place of worship if you didn't have to worry about nagging things in life such as a job or mortgage or tuition or loans. Imagine how much traveling and "soul searching" you can do if you were set for life. If you find happiness in your family life, money helps with that as well. So money does by happiness. If you find happiness in worldly things then this fact is obvious. And if you find happiness in other things, then money frees you up to do those things to their full potential. See how great money is? So why does it get such a bad rap? Let's talk about that next.

Here are a few reasons why money gets a bad rap. Some people think negative about money because they don't have it (or enough of it). Second, people associate money with the hard work, stroke of fortune, and stress that is involved with attaining it. It is the actual persuit of money that can be negative. Not the money itself. But it's not the money's fault that it needs to be earned. It's not the money's fault that people go crazy after it. So why blame it? Why say nonsense like it doesn't buy happiness? People don't buy happiness. Money does. So before you decide you want to come home early from work and spend time with your kids...or decide to pursue a nonsense major like "art" or "music", just remember...money is a man's best friend!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing