Thursday, February 23, 2012

Admit it! You love Taco Bell. So do I.

There are many many many many many things in the world that are just simply bad. And I don't mean bad as in "evil" bad. I mean crappy. Shitty. Sucky. Stinky. Sorry. Terrible. Horrible. Ridiculous. Outrageous. There are also many things that are good. (But less than the crappy things). There are even a lesser number of things that are great. But even more of a rare occurrence is when you come across things that are perfect. Awesome. Incomparable. Unmatched. Excellent. Amazing. Astonishing. Breathtaking. Magnificent. On May 28th 1995, I experienced one of those precious rare phenomenon. It was the day that I had my first bite of Taco Bell...

Before you call me a fatass (which you are going to do anyways) I am just kidding about the date. I don't really know the date that I first ate Taco Bell. But whenever it was, I should have noted it. Because that day deserves remembrance. Enough about me. Let's talk about everyone's favorite food. Taco Bell. Why does everyone love it? Before I get into that, let's get one thing straight. EVERYONE loves Taco Bell. If you meet someone that tells you they don't like Taco Bell, your next action should ONLY be one of the following:

1. Get that person some help because there really truly is something wrong with them. They are either on drugs or have some sort of mental disorder. Either way, they need to seek professional counsel immediately. I know a couple of people who say they do not like Taco Bell. One of them smokes more weed than the entire state of Washington. The second one, if you know him/her, (and some of you may) really does have mental issues.

2. Call that person a liar because they are freaking lying. They may not admit they like Taco Bell because they might just try to stand apart from the crowd or think they are too good for Taco Bell. In their mind, if they admit they eat Taco Bell then their social status may go down. I think that whole social status thing is a bunch of donkey jizz. The taste of Taco Bell does not discriminate against anyone. So you should not discriminate against it.

3. Immediately find a police escort for that person to your nearest Taco Bell and buy them lunch/dinner, (You can download the Taco Bell locator app for iPhone. It's awesome.)  because that person has never tried it. That is the only other possible explanation as to why someone would say they do not like Taco Bell.

Now let us conquer the age old mystery: WHY IS TACO BELL SO GOOD?

First of all, it is one of the most unhealthiest fast food places. One Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell contains 540 calories. I have a feeling most of my readers (at least for now) are vegetarian. So no meat substitute beans maybe takes off 100 calories? So let's say our version of the MP is 440 calories. (it is probably more by the way) One slice of a large cheese pizza at Pizza Hut is 360 calories. You can eat 2 of those slices and be reasonably full. That is 720 calories. At Taco Bell? 720 calories would be considered an appetizer. I don't think you would be as full if you ate 2 Mexican Pizzas (880 calories). You would be more hungry than eating 2 slices of Pizza Hut. So at the end of the day, you eat more calories with Taco Bell and have a smaller amount of food. What does that mean? More calories per gram. Taco Bell is jam packed with unhealthy things that are really really good. (All fast food places are but we are talking in relative terms.) I am talking about the sour cream, guacamole, nacho cheese, baja sauce, jalapeno sauce, red sauce, volcano sauce, volcano chips, cheddar cheese, etc...mmmmmmmmmmmm....I think I just nutted...

The above paragraph might have sounded like I was doggin on Taco Bell. Not at all. I say screw being healthy. Eat what you want. If that shit is good, then eat it. I am not saying everyone should be a fat tub of lard like me...but there is no need to be overly health conscience and deprive yourself of things you enjoy. At the end of the day (hopefully not today) we are all going to die. And who wants to live till they are an old fart anyways. I say 40-45 is good enough for me.

The second reason why Taco Bell is so good is because it is dirty. Have you seen some of the people working back there? I have nothing against the hard working decent folk at Taco Bell. But let's face it. They probably are not winning any hygiene awards any time soon. But that's all fine by me. Why do you think street food has made a comeback? Because it is good. And why is it good? Because it's filled both literally and figuratively with the blood, sweat, and tears (along with other bodily fluids) of the workers. And if you are disgusted by reading this, don't act like you didn't know it already. We all know that all outside food (including the high-end restaurants) is dirty. But we don't like to think about it. We blissfully enjoy our food in ignorance. I say we embrace it. When I go to India and eat pani puri (awesome Indian food, analagous to I would say hot dogs) from the street cart, I make sure the guy doesn't wash his hands or use new clean water. And I always make sure there are a couple of boogers in there. It tastes better than way. Trust me.

The third reason is money. Taco Bell is cheap. Even though they have dramatically raised their prices over the past few years, they are still the cheapest fast food chain in terms of the amount of food you can get for your money. You can get 6-8 dollars worth of Taco Bell and be full enough to hibernate for the winter. What would that get you at Pizza Hut? Half of a pizza? Sure you can be full with that but they don't sell you half pizzas. You can get a $5 footlong but even that would not fill you up as much as the Taco Bell. And who wants to eat a bunch of veggies anyways. When stuff costs less it tastes better. It is a proven scientific fact (not really sure about the proven part but I am sure it can be).

As you can tell, I love Taco Bell. Living away from home for seven years, Taco Bell has been a second mother to me. Being open till late, preparing delicious hot meals for me, providing me with an unlimited amount of fire sauce... I always stop by my local Taco Bell on Mother's Day just to drop off a 'Thank you' card and some flowers for the staff. Do they look at me weird? Sure. Do they think I am crazy? Sometimes. But just like how they make their's all out of love...

(If you want to give me a birthday present, a Taco Bell gift card could be an option...just sayin...)

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

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