Tuesday, February 28, 2012


A couple of weeks ago, I was in the middle of my dreaded workday, counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until it's time to go home. Then I came upon a customer wearing a shirt with a slogan that encompasses my entire short young work/adult life experience into a perfect slogan:

Let me start off this rant by putting my feelings towards this issue in the most mildest terms possible: "WE HAVE BECOME A SOCIETY FULL OF A BUNCH OF LAZY, IRRESPONSIBLE, DEPENDENT, SPOILED, SELF-ENTITLED, AND EGOTISTICAL MORONS!" (Those were the mildest terms I could form.) This article is not about pharmacy. These feelings are not directed towards a specific group of people, but towards the entire society and people from all walks of life. They are all fucking lazy bums. But regrettably, since I am a pharmacist, most of my adult experiences with strangers in society comes from my workplace. So my examples are about pharmacy. But rest assured, the moron is a strong and influential creature! If a moron is a moron at the pharmacy, most likely he will be a moron everywhere else he goes. So from each pharmacy experience, I will draw a bigger conclusion about society. Let's get started and see how high I can make my blood pressure rise before I burst a capillary. There is a 99% chance that I will develop hemorrhoids after finishing this.

Moronic experience 1:

Remember this guy from your childhood?

I certainly do. That's Cletus from the Simpsons. Imagine if Cletus transformed into a real person. Such a creature walked up to the pharmacy one day while I was opening. From looking at him, you could clearly tell that just the fact that he was awake and out and about at 9AM was an accomplishment for him. Without any sort of greeting, he hands me an empty medicine vial from Costco and asks me to fill his medication. So I asked him if he wanted to transfer the prescription from Costco. "What do you mean transfer? You mean you can't just fill this?" [NO YOU MORON! I CANT JUST FILL IT!] So I politely told him that if his prescription is at Costco, then I have to call them and transfer it. And in order for me to do that, I have to have certain information such as their phone number, his prescription number and date of birth, and he needs to fill out a patient profile form since he has never filled a prescription at my chain before. "Why do I have to do all that? I already have a prescription at Costco!" I understand that not everyone knows all the ins and outs of how a pharmacy works but C'MON! Can you order a DVD player online from Best Buy and then walk into a WalMart and say "Hey I bought a DVD player from Best Buy. Can I pick it up here?" OF COURSE NOT!!!

This kind of ignorance is way too prevalent in our society today. It is not just in pharmacy or the retail world. Ignorance such as this reigns supreme in politics (See this), entertainment (See this), and everywhere else you turn your head. IT IS SCARY HOW IGNORANT PEOPLE ARE ABOUT THE BASICS OF HOW THINGS RUN IN SOCIETY! And here is the thing about ignorance: IT BREEDS! When the parents are stupid, how do you think the kid will turn out? And I don't want to hear some bullshit about how these people come from low opportunity areas or how they have never been given a chance or education so how would they know how the world works? I know self-made MILLIONAIRES who haven't passed the fifth grade. They read at a second grade level and can barely write their own names in English. But you know what? They work their ass off and are not afraid to use their brain to figure out how the world works. The only thing scarier than this jackass's stupidity was the fact that he walked in with two kids.

Moronic experience 2:

The following process is the basic summary of how a pharmacy works:
1. A patient feels sick and sees the doctor. After the proper examination the doctor decides to prescribe a medication to the patient.
2A. The doctor either decides to write a prescription and hands it to the patient to bring to the pharmacy.
2B. OR the doctor's office can phone/fax/e-prescribe the prescription straight to the pharmacy.
3. The patient comes to the pharmacy and picks up the medication when it is ready.

This is a very simple and logical process that has been used for many many years. It makes sense. So why are morons trying to complicate this? On more than one occasion I have received a phone call from a patient telling me the following: "My doctor wants to prescribe me some medication but they want me to tell you to call them and get the prescription." THAT IS NOT HOW THIS IS FUCKING SUPPOSED TO WORK! If your doctor wants to call in a medication why don't they just fucking call us and tell us? Why tell you to tell us to call them? I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TIME TO CALL YOUR LAZY FUCK OF A DOCTOR EACH TIME HE DECIDES TO FUCKING PUMP YOUR BODY WITH CHEMICALS!

There are 3 moronic characteristics are play here:
1. Lazyness on the part of the patient wanting to call and have everything ready before they have to make the long tough journey to the pharmacy so all they have to do is come and pick up the medication
2. Lazyness on the part of the doctor who cannot pick up the fucking phone and call in the medication like a normal fucking person
3. Ego on the part of the doctor who is too fucking full of himself/herself to pick up the phone and call and instead prefers others to be the one calling him/her

The number of patients the average doctor's office sees everyday is in the double digits (##). The number of patients visiting an average pharmacy on a daily basis is in the triple digits (###!). Is a visit to the doctor's the same as the pharmacy? Of course not. But still! The pharmacy is understaffed. The doctor's office is not. The doctor's office has the advantage of having the appointment system. The pharmacy does not. There is no chaos at the doctor's office. There is nothing but chaos at the pharmacy. The doctor can decide how many patients he wants to see, when, and for how long. The pharmacist does not have control over any of those factors. The pharmacy is exponentially busier than the doctor's office! So you know what MD? GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND PICK UP THE PHONE OR WRITE A FUCKING PRESCRIPTION!

This is a perfect example of how everyone in today's society wants to do less and less work. Everyone wants shit to be done for them. We have become a bunch of spoiled fucking brats! Stop trying to always take the easy way out and take responsibility for your own shit! All of these government programs that people have become dependent on are a perfect example. When shit goes wrong people expect the government to pick up the slack. Fuck that shit! Work harder. If you lose your job, find another! If you can't, then get a lower paying job and work more hours! If you can't raise your kids because you work too hard, then sleep lesser number of hours! Figure out a way! Stop fucking being lazy and making excuses and expecting others to take care of your shit!

Moronic Experience 3:

This experience is another example of how everyone wants shit to be handed to them on a silver platter. It is your medicine! Take responsibility for it! On more than one occasion idiots have come up to the pharmacy with a prescription and without their insurance card expecting us to magically figure out their insurance information. Then they expect us to call their fucking insurance company in the middle of the chaotic busy fuckfest of a workday and get their ID number and all the other insurance billing information.

Try going to Walmart and buying a bunch of shit with no credit card. Then when they ask you for your credit card just give them your name, SSN, and DOB and tell them to call Discover and get your credit card number. How moronic does that sound? I can understand if a patient lost their insurance card or if it is an emergency situation. BUT I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TIME TO LOOK UP YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY AND CALL THEM SO YOU CAN FILL YOUR FUCKING CRAZY PILLS YOU FORGETFUL PIECE OF SHIT! JUST DON'T FORGET YOUR INSURANCE CARD! YOU WANT ME TO WIPE YOUR ASS FOR YOU TOO??? I HOPE YOU DIE OF WHATEVER IT IS THEY ARE TREATING YOU FOR ASSHOLE!!!

I have ZERO sympathy for these people. It is one thing to be forgetful. I understand that. Shit happens. We are human and humans sometimes forget. But after you forget don't expect others to clean up your shit. If you forget, go back home and get it. People casually brush off their forgetfulness because they expect to get by, and it has to fucking stop! Take some fucking responsibility for your shit and claim your mistakes and don't expect others to clean up after them!

Moronic Experience 4:

One thing I cannot standing working in a pharmacy is watching parents come in with a prescription for antibiotics for their kid and the prescription is dated more than a week old. So let me get this straight. Your kid is coughing up a fucking lung and you waited a week to trot your ass to the pharmacy and get their medication? And not only that, but these people want the medication within ten fucking minutes! Your kid has been fucking sick for a week! Thirty more minutes is not going to make a fucking difference!

How are people like this allowed to have kids? What does it say about society when young minds are looking up to these monkeys as "responsible adults"? I don't care how many jobs you work or how many fucking kids you have or if you are a single parent or not. Nobody and I mean no-fucking-body is that busy where their kids should wait more than a day to get their antibiotics. And if you do wait a week, don't fucking complain when the pharmacy makes you wait thirty or forty minutes. I had a bitch come in once with her four kids wanting to refill all of their inhalers. She didn't even know the names of the medications they needed! How out of touch have today's parents become????? She was asking the 6 year old what his 4 year old sister used! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? 

What the hell has parenting become in today's society? I don't even want to imagine what it will become in the future. Maybe I shouldn't say the following but when has that ever stopped me? Maybe, just maybe, it might be better off for the kid to stay sick and die. At least it would eliminate the fucking moronic genes of their parents from passing on. It is a sacrifice we should consider making as a society.

Moronic Experience 5:

It is fitting that I am writing this one last. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT THE LATE COMER! If the pharmacy closes let's say at 8PM and you walk in at 7:58PM with a stack of prescriptions expecting them to be ready for you that day--FORGET ABOUT IT! You better drop that shit off and expect to come back tomorrow morning to pick up the medications! We are not fucking robots back here. We have families and lives outside of work and we want to go home too--especially after a 12 hour shift! So you know what? I don't give a fuck that you don't want to make a second trip. If it's not an emergency situation, your shit is going to have to wait. It doesn't fucking matter if you start your fucking Prozac today or tomorrow. It's not going to make a difference! People act like making a second trip to the pharmacy is like some fucking arduous journey. IT'S NOT LOCATED ON MT. EVEREST! It is not going to kill you if you drive 5-20 minutes again tomorrow! But it is going to kill me if I have to spend another fucking 15 minutes getting your shit ready after I have been here for a chaotic 12 hours!

This goes back to the whole silver platter/no responsibility/no consequences thing again. People don't care about being on time any more. And if they are late, they think it will be ok. They expect people to put up with this kind of shit and do them favors when they don't have an ounce of fucking responsibility for their own life! If you don't care about your shit then why should I?

I didn't want this article to be all about pharmacy. Maybe the actual words in here were about pharmacy, but the ideas apply to entire society. The pharmacy world really is a microcosm of the whole world in general. Society has become way too lazy, irresponsible, self-entitled and spoiled! People expect others to do them favors without thinking of the consequences of their own actions. It is sad. Whether you believe we evolved from monkeys or not, we certainly are turning into them. The once great and noble concepts of logical thinking, self-responsibility, awareness of others, parenthood, and humility are all being forgotten. People expect everyone else to say to them, "LET ME DROP EVERYTHING AND WORK ON YOUR PROBLEM! Well you know what I say to that? FUCK THAT! So if you guys hear anything about me getting fired or sued in the future, you'll know why...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Whoever made this, Thank you. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Let-me-drop-EVERYTHING-work-on-YOUR-problem/116242021752814

Friday, February 24, 2012

Go green? Why should I?

Considering that I am trying attract readers to my blog, this entry is probably not a good idea. Let me warn you right now. After reading this entry you may leave thinking I am an asshole. A selfish prick. A fat bastard with no heart. But you know what? The little amount of heart that I do have...I like to wear it on my sleeve. (At least on this blog where I can hide behind a computer and write whatever I want without consequences) But in this case, I am not just writing shit to be funny or for the shock value. This is really how I feel about this issue. So when I say...I CAN GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT...I really DO mean it...

Since I really like lists...let's first list how many ways I can say that I do not care about the environment. I already mentioned one of the ways in the above paragraph.

1. I don't give two shits about the environment.
2. I don't give a [insert 4 letter word here] about the environment.
3. [Insert 4 or 5 letter word here] the environment!
4. I care about the environment as much as I care about the health and safety of the republic presidential candidates.
5. If I could save either Taco Bell or the environment...haha well c'mon now is that even a question?
6. Go green? I would rather take a dump and go brown.

Ok that's enough of that. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy nature. If there is a camping trip happening I will be the first one to pitch that tent. Whether it is swimming, hiking, kayaking, snowmobiling, or sightseeing, I love the outdoors. A very nice and innocent person asked me once, "What do you have against the environment?"

I got nothing against the environment sweety. I don't go out of my way to harm it. I will not actively take a day off work to burn a tree, or rape and murder a polar bear on the weekend. But if it means changing the way I live daily (like keeping an extra bin for recycling or going and finding a used piece of paper to scribble on instead of grabbing a brand new sheet) or experiencing any kind of worldly discomfort (like not turning on the AC or heater or conserving electricity/gas/water), then the environment can go to hell for all I care...

I think the whole "if we don't stop we will burn out all of Mother Earth's natural resources" argument is a  bunch of donkey jizz. We have seen throughout mankind's history that new sources of energy are always being discovered. The very first cavemen discovered they can burn dry leaves. Then they learned to dry cow dung and use that. In the bronze age, they discovered coal. Then they discovered hydraulic energy. Then someone invented the wind mill. In the bronze age they discovered coal. In the 17th century steam power was invented. Then someone discovered natural gas. In the 1930s someone discovered nuclear fission which led to nuclear power. In the 1980's the first solar plants were built. What is the point?

The point is that we are a freaking smart ass species. There are so many resources available on this planet it's inconceivable. But nevertheless, they are finite. So whenever in the future (100, 1000, million years from now) they do run out...guess what? WE WILL FIND ANOTHER RESOURCE. BECAUSE WE ARE FREAKING SMART (not me personally...I am a lazy idiot but I am talking about some Chinese scientist of course...) Bio-fuels are already being researched and are one of the fastest growing industries. Ethanol, methanol, hydrogen, corn oil, whale blubber, donkey jizz, whatever it is, we are and will be smart enough to make it into a fuel source. So leave the AC on for 10 minutes before you get into that car because if we ever run out of oil, we will use something else. Leave that faucet on while you walk away because if we ever run out of water we will find other ways to get it. Throw away that piece of paper even though it has nothing on it because if we ever run out of trees, we will find another way to make paper. So who cares? None of that shit is going to run out any time soon. And if it does we will find a way to replace it.

We are a culture of consumption. I say we embrace that to the fullest. There is enough oil in Alaska to drown the entire Middle East. What the hell are we saving it for? Use it up. All of it. Then go and find more. And if it's all out...dig deeper. Or find another way to fuel our SUVs. Resources are there for a reason. It doesn't matter if you believe that God put them there or science did. Either way, they are meant to be consumed. As for the depletion of the ozone, melting of the icecaps, and "global warming"...I DONT CARE! All of that stuff (if it is even happening) has consequences that are so far down the line. We will all be dead by then, including all of you that are reading this. Before I die, I prefer to worry much more about the past and present than the future. I am and will be spending way too much of my life regretting the past and complaining about the present to be worrying about what is going to happen after I die. I don't care...If you do then great...but don't expect me to.

Some people keep saying that if we continue our "un-green" ways then we are leaving a huge problem for future generations. Who the hell cares about future generations? Every generation has its own set of challenges they must deal with. This will be theirs. Honestly, after I am dead I won't care about my kids' kids' kids' kids' kids... After maybe four or five generations are they even your relatives anymore? Why should I be less comfortable or go out of my way to change my habits for the sake of someone hundred years from now? Give me a reason...

Here is the problem I have with people that claim to care about the environment. I am sure there are legitimate people out there who truly do care. But caring about the environment has become such a hip and trendy thing to do. It reminds of how everyone put an American flag on their car after 911. It got to a point where you had  to get one just to show other people. When people buy hybrids, they say they care about the environment. Let's triple the base price of the Prius. Would they still care about the environment? People do things like buy hybrids or get solar panels for mainly one of two reasons. 1) They think they can save money 2) They want to show their neighbors/friends/relatives/society that they care about the environment. Nowadays, if you don't care about the environment, you are basically an old prude who eats puppies. You may not agree with all of this, but let's reverse the situation. What if caring about the environment was somehow the uncool thing to do? What if being green was not such a positive thing in society? Would the number of people "going green" would be the same? Hell no!

I am not saying we should all go out and dump a trashcan in the forest or spill a barrel of oil in the ocean. If you truly and genuinely care about the environment, then fine. But if someone wants to drive a hummer or not go out of their way to throw plastic bottles in a separate trashcan, then don't make them feel guilty. Contrary to what many believe, it is not our duty to conserve Earth's resources. But it is our duty to do what is convenient and comfortable to us. And that is exactly what I am doing. Speaking of convenience and comfort, I have to go take a dump. And I am probably going to flush at least three times. Not because I don't care about the environment or to prove any kind of point, but just simply because it will be absolutely necessary to!

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Admit it! You love Taco Bell. So do I.

There are many many many many many things in the world that are just simply bad. And I don't mean bad as in "evil" bad. I mean crappy. Shitty. Sucky. Stinky. Sorry. Terrible. Horrible. Ridiculous. Outrageous. There are also many things that are good. (But less than the crappy things). There are even a lesser number of things that are great. But even more of a rare occurrence is when you come across things that are perfect. Awesome. Incomparable. Unmatched. Excellent. Amazing. Astonishing. Breathtaking. Magnificent. On May 28th 1995, I experienced one of those precious rare phenomenon. It was the day that I had my first bite of Taco Bell...

Before you call me a fatass (which you are going to do anyways) I am just kidding about the date. I don't really know the date that I first ate Taco Bell. But whenever it was, I should have noted it. Because that day deserves remembrance. Enough about me. Let's talk about everyone's favorite food. Taco Bell. Why does everyone love it? Before I get into that, let's get one thing straight. EVERYONE loves Taco Bell. If you meet someone that tells you they don't like Taco Bell, your next action should ONLY be one of the following:

1. Get that person some help because there really truly is something wrong with them. They are either on drugs or have some sort of mental disorder. Either way, they need to seek professional counsel immediately. I know a couple of people who say they do not like Taco Bell. One of them smokes more weed than the entire state of Washington. The second one, if you know him/her, (and some of you may) really does have mental issues.

2. Call that person a liar because they are freaking lying. They may not admit they like Taco Bell because they might just try to stand apart from the crowd or think they are too good for Taco Bell. In their mind, if they admit they eat Taco Bell then their social status may go down. I think that whole social status thing is a bunch of donkey jizz. The taste of Taco Bell does not discriminate against anyone. So you should not discriminate against it.

3. Immediately find a police escort for that person to your nearest Taco Bell and buy them lunch/dinner, (You can download the Taco Bell locator app for iPhone. It's awesome.)  because that person has never tried it. That is the only other possible explanation as to why someone would say they do not like Taco Bell.

Now let us conquer the age old mystery: WHY IS TACO BELL SO GOOD?

First of all, it is one of the most unhealthiest fast food places. One Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell contains 540 calories. I have a feeling most of my readers (at least for now) are vegetarian. So no meat substitute beans maybe takes off 100 calories? So let's say our version of the MP is 440 calories. (it is probably more by the way) One slice of a large cheese pizza at Pizza Hut is 360 calories. You can eat 2 of those slices and be reasonably full. That is 720 calories. At Taco Bell? 720 calories would be considered an appetizer. I don't think you would be as full if you ate 2 Mexican Pizzas (880 calories). You would be more hungry than eating 2 slices of Pizza Hut. So at the end of the day, you eat more calories with Taco Bell and have a smaller amount of food. What does that mean? More calories per gram. Taco Bell is jam packed with unhealthy things that are really really good. (All fast food places are but we are talking in relative terms.) I am talking about the sour cream, guacamole, nacho cheese, baja sauce, jalapeno sauce, red sauce, volcano sauce, volcano chips, cheddar cheese, etc...mmmmmmmmmmmm....I think I just nutted...

The above paragraph might have sounded like I was doggin on Taco Bell. Not at all. I say screw being healthy. Eat what you want. If that shit is good, then eat it. I am not saying everyone should be a fat tub of lard like me...but there is no need to be overly health conscience and deprive yourself of things you enjoy. At the end of the day (hopefully not today) we are all going to die. And who wants to live till they are an old fart anyways. I say 40-45 is good enough for me.

The second reason why Taco Bell is so good is because it is dirty. Have you seen some of the people working back there? I have nothing against the hard working decent folk at Taco Bell. But let's face it. They probably are not winning any hygiene awards any time soon. But that's all fine by me. Why do you think street food has made a comeback? Because it is good. And why is it good? Because it's filled both literally and figuratively with the blood, sweat, and tears (along with other bodily fluids) of the workers. And if you are disgusted by reading this, don't act like you didn't know it already. We all know that all outside food (including the high-end restaurants) is dirty. But we don't like to think about it. We blissfully enjoy our food in ignorance. I say we embrace it. When I go to India and eat pani puri (awesome Indian food, analagous to I would say hot dogs) from the street cart, I make sure the guy doesn't wash his hands or use new clean water. And I always make sure there are a couple of boogers in there. It tastes better than way. Trust me.

The third reason is money. Taco Bell is cheap. Even though they have dramatically raised their prices over the past few years, they are still the cheapest fast food chain in terms of the amount of food you can get for your money. You can get 6-8 dollars worth of Taco Bell and be full enough to hibernate for the winter. What would that get you at Pizza Hut? Half of a pizza? Sure you can be full with that but they don't sell you half pizzas. You can get a $5 footlong but even that would not fill you up as much as the Taco Bell. And who wants to eat a bunch of veggies anyways. When stuff costs less it tastes better. It is a proven scientific fact (not really sure about the proven part but I am sure it can be).

As you can tell, I love Taco Bell. Living away from home for seven years, Taco Bell has been a second mother to me. Being open till late, preparing delicious hot meals for me, providing me with an unlimited amount of fire sauce... I always stop by my local Taco Bell on Mother's Day just to drop off a 'Thank you' card and some flowers for the staff. Do they look at me weird? Sure. Do they think I am crazy? Sometimes. But just like how they make their food...it's all out of love...

(If you want to give me a birthday present, a Taco Bell gift card could be an option...just sayin...)

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The GOP is a joke.

Being a man of science and a pretty good student for pretty much the first 24 years of my life, I have come to one very important understanding.

There must be an explanation for everything. I am officially naming this statement "The Safarjan Theory." The name is a tribute to Isaac Newton. "Safarjan" means apple in my mother tongue of Gujarati. We all know the story of Isaac Newton sitting under a tree and an apple falling on his head. Why did it fall down? Instead of accepting the normal standards of thinking and concluding that "it just does" Newton embraced the idea that there has to be an explanation for everything and therefore there must be an explanation for this. He eventually discovered (not "invented") gravity.  So in his honor, I give you "The Safarjan Theory: There must be an explanation for everything.

So anyways, of course any time you come up with an idea and officially turn it into a theory, the very next second a discovery is made that proves that theory false. And that is exactly what has happened here. I have found something that I cannot find an explanation for...and therefore...it breaks the Safarjan theory. What is that thing? FOR THE LOVE GOD, I CANNOT FIND A GOOD EXPLANATION BEHIND WHY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS CHOSEN THIS GROUP OF MORONS TO BE THEIR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES!!!!!!

First of all, let me start my rant with a disclaimer. I am not, nor do I claim to be an expert on politics. Also, I really do not care all that much about the election results because at the end of the day it does not affect me all that much. And if it does, I am well off enough, smart enough, educated enough, and have a good enough job to adjust and be fine. But it does bother me when I make observations that I cannot explain the reasoning behind. This is one of those instances.

The republican candidates for president are a joke. They seem more like characters from a TV show than somebody worthy enough to be the POTUS. They are freaking cartoon characters. Caricatures of themselves. I mean seriously, how the hell did this happen? Starting with Sarah Palin, the GOP has been one big joke after another. Are all of the republicans secretly getting high and out of touch with reality? What the hell has happened? Please...someone offer me an explanation as to why this group of monkeys are being given a chance at being president...

Mitt Romney? This dude is the front runner of this sad sack of clown candidates. That is like being the best player on the Charlotte Bobcats...you are still going to suck balls. The guy pretty much said he does not care about poor people. To be honest, neither do I. But I am not the one running for president. If you wanted someone to lead your evil corporation, Mitt Romney would be an excellent choice. But for President? You might as well elect Gordon Gekko or Mr. Burns.

Newt Gingrich? Seriously? Have you seen this man? Just look at him. Please. Open a new tab in your browser and google Newt Gingrich. I would put up a picture of him here to make it easier for you but I don't want Newt to be the first picture ever I put on my blog. Does he look like a president? George Washington and Abraham Lincoln would yak in their graves if they knew this dude was running for president. How can we have someone who looks like that be our Commander-in-Chief? The other countries would just laugh at us. And for those of you who think that looks do not matter, you are wrong. But even if you were right, it is not like the dude has great character. Just like how Romney hates the poor, Newt has beef with the Latinos. He called Spanish a language of the ghettos. Once again, no argument here. But once again, the dude is running for president. You cannot say that kind of shit when you are a presidential candidate. What kind of other stupid shit would he say as the president when his words have more consequences? And as for the whole having an affair and then leaving your wife to marry a younger woman thing, it is great if you want to be on the cover of the tabloids. But don't expect to be on the cover of Time magazine any time soon Newt. What a clown...

Ron Paul? First of all, Ron Paul is not a real name. A real name consists of a first name and a last name. Not two first names. Second of all, he kind of looks like Jerry Sandusky. Do you really want someone that looks anything close to Jerry Sandusky in the Oval Office? And you know what? Even if he looks nothing like Sandusky, now that I have created this thought in your brain, everyone will slowly start thinking that he does. Recently, Ron Paul's son was held at Nashville airport after refusing to get a pat-down and comply with security procedures. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to serious candidates. Paul had a chance to earn everyone's respect by not taking his son's side and admit he was in the wrong. But of course he blamed TSA. Needless to say, Ron Paul for president is a joke and if it ever happened, LOOK OUT!

Rick Santorum? Say the words "President Santorum" 10 times. Now say it another 20 times. Can you say it enough times where it finally begins to make sense and fit? Me neither.

Barack Obama has not done a great job. But he has done a decent enough job to overcome these sacks of shit of candidates that the republican party has trotted out. As long as Obama doesn't shower with kids or turn up dead in a hotel bathtub in the upcoming months, he will win a second term. At least that is what I think. It is kind of like how Jason Kidd's New Jersey Nets made the finals two years in a row in 2002 and 2003. The Eastern Conference was absolutely horrible! I don't have anything against President Obama. But if you do, then blame the republican party for giving him a second term.

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Ice Water Club: My Top 10 Most Clutch Athletes

When an athlete can perform well under pressure, raise his game in the most critical situations, is not afraid of the big moment, they say he has ice water in his veins. When you really think about it, this is probably the trait you would want most in an athlete.

Do you want him to be a good teammate? Sure.
Do you want him to put up killer stats night in and night out? Sure.
Do you want him to make others better? Sure.
Do you want him to show hustle? Sure.

Sure you want all of these things. But the thing is, there have many great players with all of these qualities. Revisit the above four questions: John Stockton had (1) Karl Malone had (2). Dan Marino had (3). Charles Barkley had (4). But none of these players had enough ice water to win a ring. I wouldn't mind if my guy lacked some of these qualities. Shit my guys (Kobe, Dhoni, Horry) do lack many of these qualities. but you know what, they are stone cold killers with ice water running down their veins.

How did I define an ice water player? Simple. Create a scenario where either your favorite team or the team that you bet your life savings on is playing against this player. It is the closing moments of the game and the game is still undecided with this players having the ball/being up to bat/making his move... How scared would you be? If the answer is you wouldn't be scared at all then the player with the ball is probably Lebron James. But if the answer is you would be shitting in your pants or about to throw up or you cant even watch...then that player probably deserves to be in the Ice Water club. 

So without further ado, I present to you my official Ice Water Club: The Top 10 Most Clutch Athletes. Let's count down.

Note: I am not a full-time sportswriter or analyst or former professional athlete so I don't follow every single sport nor do I do hours of research (I would love to but because of the whole being a pharmacist thing I am limited) so I can only select from sports and time periods I am somewhat familiar with.

 10. PR Representative - Derek Jeter
Why is Jetes the PR Representative of the Ice Water club? The guy is a public relations genius. He can bang the hottest supermodels and actresses, dump them and move on without being in the tabloids or having a negative public perception. And he can ask for a huge contract when he is out of his prime while making the Yankees look like the bad guys. Which is all of fine by me. I love Derek Jeter. Some people tend to forget how many BIG hits he had for the Yankees when winning all of those world series in the late 90s. Part of being an Ice Water player calls for raising your game. In non-pressure situations Derek Jeter is an average baseball player. In big time pressure at-bats? He is an all-time great and a hall of famer. He is getting old though and his game has dropped off considerably (including the amount of ice water in his veins) so that's why he is at 10.

9.  Events Coordinator - Joe Montana 
It is easy to understand why Joe Montana is the events coordinator. He is a quarterback. He needs to make sure everyone is on the same page and where they are supposed to be for all of the events/meetings/outings of the Ice Water club. But it may not be as easy to understand why he is all the way at number 9 on this list. Before all of you Niner fans call me a fat turd, please hear me out.

It has nothing to do with Joe Montana. He is the greatest quarterback of all time in my opinion. Clutchness however, is a completely different concept in football than in baseball and basketball. There are way too many variables and factors involved in a single football play for one particular player to matter as much as one particular player matters in a baseball at-bat or a basketball play. Think about it. Your lineman have to protect you. (This matters a lot and even elusive QBs require SOME kind of protection.) Your receivers must get open. Then your receivers must catch the ball. Then your receivers must hold on to the ball. In many clutch TDs it is the run after the catch that matters more than the throw. Factor in your defense (which the QB cannot control), coaching decisions, effectiveness of the running game, etc and there are just way too many variables for a single football player to affect a game single-handedly. (Compared to the other sports) Just look at the Superbowl. What was the difference in the clutchness of Tom Brady vs. Eli Manning? Wes Welker dropped the ball and Mario Manningham didn't. And in 2008, the David Tyree play was the difference. With that said, if Joe Montana is driving his team down the field in the closing moments of a close game against my team, I am shitting in my pants. And for that, he deserves a spot on this list. After all, he is the one that threw "The Catch"

8. Traveling Secretary - Ray Allen
Just look at this clip. I counted him going 16 for 17 in that video. He does that for hours and hours and hours every single day. He dreams about doing that in his sleep. Ray Allen probably gets a boner every time he thinks about shooting a 3. It is in the guy's blood. And he is one bad dude. In the two recent finals against the Celtics, as a Laker fan, I closed my eyes probably every single time Ray Allen shot a 3. All of my friends will recall how I turned into a pussy not being able to watch the final moments of game 7 in 2010. He hit almost EVERY SINGLE BIG SHOT in that epic series against the Bulls in 2010. Why is he the traveling secretary? Because it is probably a shitty job (dealing with hotels, booking rooms, etc) and he is a Celtic. 

7. Fund Raising Coordinator - Albert Pujols
When it comes to clutchness, Albert Pujols is the Ray Allen of baseball. The dude has come through for the Cardinals in almost EVERY SINGLE BIG AT-BAT. I am glad he is now playing in Southern California but sad that it is not for the Dodgers. He would be the perfect fit for that Dodger tradition. I am still surprised he pulled off that gazillion dollar ten year contract despite being past his prime. That is why he is the fund raising coordinator. At least until he gets caught with roids.

6. Special Officer - Muhammad Ali
He was before my time. Ill be honest. Most of what I know about Muhammad Ali (and boxing for that matter) comes from watching Will Smith in Ali. But even today, you cannot be a sports fan without hearing stories about Muhammad Ali's greatness. He had his flaws but the guy won almost every single BIG TIME and career defining match. The first Liston fight, the Thriller in Manilla, the Rumble in the Jungle, etc. But you know why he is clutch? Because the dude put the pressure on HIMSELF. He was the greatest trash talker of all time. All that smack he talked before the fights not only inspired a whole new music genre (rap) but it put the pressure on him to win even more. If you talk shit like Ali did you HAVE to bring your A game. If you don't you will be killed in every singe way both in and out of the ring. And more often that not, Ali brought his A game. And it also took balls to change his name. Especially when you have a baller name like Cassius Clay. (If my wife does not allow me to name my son Cassius Clay Patel, I will secretly call him that when she is not around.) I couldn't really find a job for the GOAT so he is a Special Officer (and not because he has Parkinson's-I didn't meant that kind of special.)

5. Merchandise Coordinator - Mahendra Singh Dhoni
Here is a thought. Michael Jordan randomly walks into a Walmart in Charlotte. No bodyguards, no security. What happens? People start gathering. He signs some autographs. Takes some pictures. Then people go home. If MS Dhoni (the captain of the World Cup Champion Indian National Cricket team) walks into a random shop in India, what happens? If he shakes someone's hand, they don't wash it for a month. If he touches someone's hair, they don't cut it for years. People act like they met God. Imagine if the Lakers are down by 20 points in the 4th quarter of a finals game 7 against the Heat. Then Kobe scores 30 in the 4th and makes the game winning shot at the buzzer. Where would you rank that performance in terms of clutchness? That is what MS Dhoni did in cricket. With the top order of the batting lineup failing, MS Dhoni moved himself up the order to try and salvage the game against Sri Lanka, the most overall talented team in the 2011 World Cup. The Captain calmly kept the ship steady while taking singles and running swiftly between the wickets. After saving his wicket against the likes of Malinga and Muralidharan, MS Dhoni decided to win the match in the final moments of batting powerplay. The image of that final SIX that brought back the World Cup to Indian soil will be etched permanently into the hearts and minds of every single Indian cricket fan.

Since then, MS Dhoni has become a God to me. And since then I have watched many more cricket matches where MS Dhoni has done the same thing over and over again. The guy is so talented people question why he limits himself by placing himself in the bottom of the order. But the thing is, he has to do that in case the top order fails. And more often than not, the top order has failed. And more often than not, Dhoni has bailed them out time and time again. Not only that, but he does it with the most calmest of demeanor. The guy looks like he is sitting on a beach sipping on a pina-colada when he is batting with the game on the line. Plus, his Indian connections would be helpful in producing and selling Ice Water merchandise. That is why he is the Merchandise Coordinator.

4. Membership Coordinators - Magic/Bird
First of all, I could not separate these two. They were meant to be together in every single list created. So the top 10 actually includes 11. I lied. Sue me. From what I have seen, heard, and read about them, these two were as stone cold as they come. In the closing moments, not only would I be scared if I was against them, but I would be scared if I was playing with them as well. I would not want to mess up and piss them off. The list of clutch plays these two have is endless. And it is fitting that they are the Membership Coordinators because anyone wanting to be in the club would have to get their approval. 

3. Secretary - Kobe Bryant
I know all of you Laker haters will take this as me kissing Kobe's ass. Not true. I blame Kobe for many things (I will probably write a whole article about this at some point). But when it comes to the scared shitless test I talked about earlier, even the most "hatery" of haters will admit, they are scared shitless of Kobe in the final moments. Just look at the following plays: this shit is ridiculous.

2006 First round Game 4 vs. the Suns

2004 Kobe 2 buzzer beaters against Portland and the "Kobe stopper"

These are just two of the countless clutch plays Kobe has made in his career. And not all of them are shots. There have been passes (alley-oop to to Shaq vs. Portland), offensive rebounds (finals vs. Indiana), steals, and on-ball defense. Remember that crazy series of game winners Kobe hit in the regular season a couple years back? Now I know all of you stat geeks and/or Laker haters will say that Kobe has missed a lot more than he has made. But let me take you back to that first clip. Rewatch it. See how Devean George passes the ball to Kobe after the steal? He looks like he is passing off a grenade about to go off. He wants nothing to do with that ball. But he knows exactly who DOES want something to do with it...

2. Vice-President - Michael Jordan
Do I really need to explain why this guy is on this list? I mean c'mon! There is a whole group of great teams and players that could have gotten multiple rings had it not been for Michael Jordan. I call it the Screwed by Jordan Club. (future article? maybe.) The club includes Shaq and Penny's Magic, Reggie's Pacers, Ewing's Knicks, GP's Sonics, Barkley's Suns, and of course Stockton and Malone's Jazz. The only explanation I need to do regarding Michael Jordan is that why is he not number 1. You can find that out by reading the next section.

1. President - Robert Horry
Remember in the introduction I talked about the qualities you would want in an athlete? Robert Horry had none of them. He did not try all that hard in the regular season. He did not care to work on his game in the off time. He did not even care about the outcome of the game for the first three quarters. Believe me. I have seen Robert Horry play hundreds of times with the Lakers. He wasn't even that great of a team guy. Just ask Scott Skiles. Had it not for his extreme clutchness and the unusually high concentration of Ice Water in his veins, the guy would have been out of the league after four years.

Big Shot Rob has 7 championships with 3 different teams. That's 1 more than MJ with less than half the effort. He was talented but he didn't care. If he put the effort in, he could have been an all-star. But all Robert Horry cared about was making that one big shot. And he did. Time and time again. I was on to Robert Horry's clutchness before the whole Big Shot Rob craze. (Too bad I wasn't blogging back then) Because I had seen him take and make those shots in the regular season games. The guy was made by God to do one thing and one thing only: take and make big shots. This was probably the most happiest moment of my life. No lie.

Robert Horry deserves to be the president of the clutch club because that is ALL he was. He had nothing else but that. Wherever he went, he won. That is not a coincidence or a fluke. If I had an all-time NBA team, I would put him as the 12th man. Here is a closing thought for you. Would you rather have Karl Malone's career or Robert Horry's?

Horryyyyyyyyy for 3!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing


So my two little cousins told me that they wanted to hang out with me since now that I am working I dont get to spend as much time with them. So on my rare and precious day off I took them out to Boomers for some go karting and mini golfing and then the movies. Then we came home and they watched the motherfucking disney channel/abc family...


1. I dont know how any kid of any age can enjoy the absolute crap tv shows that are on these channels. When I was a kid I was obsessed with watching a hall of fame TV show like the Simpsons. Compare that to the crap that's on today? No comparison! These shows are so bad I dont know or care to know their names...so for the rest of the entry I will refer to them as "steaming piles of shit".

2. Almost every single one of these "steaming piles of shit" features a blonde white 14 year-old with a love interest who is a blond white 14 year-old of the opposite sex. And they always have a friend who is a minority with some kind of accent for comic relief. The kids on these "steaming piles of shit" are always running around trying to bang each other and hook up and making out and pursuing their stupid ass junior high crushes and blah blah blah! I dont know how the hell kids have the BALLS to watch these "steaming piles of shit" in front of their parents. When I was a kid watching TV in front of adults and there was some kind of make out scene or even a chick wearing loose clothing I used to change the channel faster than a closet homo watching gay porn being walked in on...SHIT...I STILL change the channel when any kind of girls or kissing scene comes and my parents are in the room...I cant even watch THE OFFICE in front of my dad without being nervous...and now these kids just watch all this crap without any kind of shame...THE NERVE!!!

3. The particular "steaming pile of shit" I was watching today featured a high school girl with her own radio show. And what was she doing with this powerful propaganda tool? Championing her cause. And what was her cause? Protesting against the school because they confiscated kids' headphones and mp3 players... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Hey disney/abc...is this the kind of message you want to send to kids these days??? If you are wearing your headphones and listening to fucking lady gaga or katey perry (or whatever the fuck these kids listen to nowadays) in the middle of history class NO SHIT they are going to confiscate your ipod touch and dre beats. AND THEY SHOULD! What the fuck do you expect? School is a place for learning. You cant wait until 3PM to listen to your shitty music??? What have we come to as a society when this kind of protesting actually makes sense to people??? And the principal becomes the bad guy for expecting you to learn in school....THIS KIND OF SHIT MAKES ME SICK...and the sad part is that this is actually probably going on in real life in some school in America...sigh...

There are plenty of more reasons why I hate these fucking channels and their "steaming piles of shit" TV shows...but my fucking eyeballs are about to explode with rage if I keep writing about them. My blood pressure is probably over 180/120 right now...I am just going to rub one out to one these blondes from the disney channel and call it a night...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Some kids dream of being astronauts, others fireman, pilots, cops, athletes... I always wanted to be some kind of writer. It was always a vague idea...not really knowing what kind of writing. I wanted to be a wise creative dude who wrote tv shows, movies, books, essays, and articles. I dreamed of being someone who people always went to when they knew exactly what they wanted to say, but couldnt put it in writing. I wanted to be the one who wrote the president's speeches, the script for the Oscar's host, and the slogan behind the world's best-selling products.

And what the hell am I doing now?

If you know me, you know that I am a pharmacist. But if you REALLY know me, you know that I kind of HATE that shit. Dont get me wrong. I show up at work with a smile on my face and enjoy the paycheck. But I would much rather be doing other stuff.

So why the dramatic aversion from the dream path? One simple explanation...I AM INDIAN!!!!

But as the wise have said, better late than never (not always true by the way). So I am starting a blog. I dont know if starting a blog nowadays is the cool and hip thing to do or if it is played out and old. But I dont give a fuck! I need a starting point to kick off my writing dream. I dont know what kind of writing form I want to pursue or what kind of writer I want to be. But one thing is for certain... I need/want to start following my dream of writing so here is my launching pad...

I hope you all enjoy this blog. I will try to write whatever is on my mind. Whether it is ranting about stupid shit, work related crap, or making lists, I want to start off by writing about all sorts of random stuff. Also, your comments/critique/criticisms/opinions/feedback is all welcome!!!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing