Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Before you start reading...please play this video, minimize the window, and listen to the audio before you continue reading. It is exactly the song I had in mind while writing this article. You will understand what this article is trying to say much better if you have the music in the background. 

After my latest trip to Vegas, I have learned many things. Some of life's many mysteries can be solved using the lessons learned from the various things that happen in the streets, clubs, casinos, and hotel rooms of this great city. Perfect idea for another article. But right now my mind is consumed by the most important thing in Las Vegas (and the rest of the world!). MONEY! Money is great. Money buys education. Money buys knowledge. Money buys health. Money buys safety. Money buys security. Money buys happiness. Money buys love. Money buys peace. And most of all, MONEY BUYS MORE MONEY!!!!!

First let us tackle the myth that money does not buy love. If that was the case, countless marriage decisions would not involve money in some way or another. EVERYONE HAS "A NUMBER". For gold-digging whores that "number" might be relatively low. For hot actresses and supermodels that "number" may be higher. And for faithful housewives that "number" may be astronomically high. But nevertheless, everyone has "a number." As for me? That number is probably a billion. That is how much money it would take for me to be some fat old ugly lady's boy toy husband. (One can only dream...) So money does by love. It just may have to be A LOT of it. Even when it is not a lot, money is still is a heavy factor. If you are a married woman, think about your husband. When you first met him, however or under whatever circumstances it may have been, if he was COMPLETELY broke and/or had absolutely no prospects in life (I am talking like living on the streets with no plans of a future), and everything else about him was the same, would you currently be with him? If you are a married man, think about the same thing in reverse (unless you planned on her being a housewife) but also ask yourself if your wife would still be with you if you were a bum. If anyone is saying "yes" in any one of these scenarios, let me speak to you directly: "Don't kid yourself. Get your head out of your ass and face reality. Welcome to the real world. You should be enrolled in the SNUP." (School for Naive and Unrealistic People...I am starting it.) Some of you may say money is only one of the factors. But that may be only because most people don't have A LOT of it. If they did, and that amount started getting closer to "the number" money would matter more and more...until it was the single most important factor and eventually the only factor. Nevertheless...money buys love!

Here is another piece of crap phrase uttered by those who are what we call retards: "Money does not buy happiness." You know who says that? Two kinds of people. 1) People without money. 2) People with money who are too stupid to know what to do with it. If you use your money right, it can definitely bring happiness. I will gladly trade the problems of a happy poor person for those of a sad rich person. Give me the riches and I won't mind being sad all day lying around moping on my pile of cash. I'll even deal with all the stress from taxes, investments, and security. I will gladly try to extinguish my stress and sadness by indulging in supermodels, jet skis, Bentlys, and mansions...and an unlimited supply of Taco Bell.

But even if you are not as superficial as I am, and you find happiness and much simpler and/or spiritual things, money still helps. Imagine how much time you would have to go and find happiness at your place of worship if you didn't have to worry about nagging things in life such as a job or mortgage or tuition or loans. Imagine how much traveling and "soul searching" you can do if you were set for life. If you find happiness in your family life, money helps with that as well. So money does by happiness. If you find happiness in worldly things then this fact is obvious. And if you find happiness in other things, then money frees you up to do those things to their full potential. See how great money is? So why does it get such a bad rap? Let's talk about that next.

Here are a few reasons why money gets a bad rap. Some people think negative about money because they don't have it (or enough of it). Second, people associate money with the hard work, stroke of fortune, and stress that is involved with attaining it. It is the actual persuit of money that can be negative. Not the money itself. But it's not the money's fault that it needs to be earned. It's not the money's fault that people go crazy after it. So why blame it? Why say nonsense like it doesn't buy happiness? People don't buy happiness. Money does. So before you decide you want to come home early from work and spend time with your kids...or decide to pursue a nonsense major like "art" or "music", just remember...money is a man's best friend!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Education System! What's Wrong With it & How to Fix It

Usually when I write about real world issues, I will claim modesty. I will say that I am not an expert and am just giving my humble opinion. NOT THIS TIME! I still am not an professional expert on education or anything but this one is freaking easy. I have no idea how society cannot figure this one out. It REALLY is not that hard! For the remainder of this article (and future articles) I will refer to what I call the CSTF. What is CSTF? There are various versions of it out there. But they are all pretty much the same thing. You may have heard of the concept of the Common Sense Police. CSTF is my version of that. The Common Sense Task Force. (Task force sounds more official) I am starting it. It consists of people who see problems and use the simple method of common sense to solve it. Why? Well...because it's common sense! If you don't get this concept...I don't know what to tell you. It may be a good idea for you to eliminate your defective genes and intelligence from the gene pool. Ask me if you need ways to do that.

Ok. So the first task of the CSTF is to fix the schools in this country. Our education system is a freaking joke! Do you know what lies at the heart of every singe problem we have in this country (economy, drugs, healthcare, divorce rates, teen pregnancy, etc, etc, etc)??? It is our education system. If we don't fix that, fixing everything else will be pointless. But before we can solve the problem, we must be aware of it. So let's take a look at the problems with our schools, and figure out a way to solve them.

Issue 1: Teachers don't have a high enough status/place in our society and they need to be respected more.

I am not just saying this because I am marrying a teacher. (Somehow the concept of being with a teacher was much more exciting when I was a student. Kind of ironic that I ended up with a teacher after years of fantasizing about some of my teachers as a student.) I was saying this long before my fiance decided to be a teacher. What is the average teacher's salary? $30,000? That is a freaking joke! Add teachers to the top of the underpaid professions list. I mean just think about it. The sheer amount of power teachers have in the lives of our children is enormous! They pretty much have uncontrolled access and the attention of our kids for 7 hours per day 9 months of the year. Through their teachings, opinions, and, lessons, teachers have the ability to make a huge impression on students of any age. Think about it. When I am trading stocks, I still remember the stock market project from my high school Econ class. When I read or think about the issue of war, I still draw things from the Vietnam research project I did in English. When I am considering who to vote for, I still think about some of the concepts I learned in Civics. History, physics, biology, math, PE, being on the basketball team, etc, etc, etc... All of these things have shaped my current thinking and views on the real world as an adult. And teachers control those things.

Do this for yourself. Think about the way you look at the world. Think about your opinions on history. Or your views on current issues. Or how you do your daily tasks that involve any kind of math or judgement or thinking. And then think about how much all of those things have been affected by all of the school teachers you have ever had. If you think that they have made no or little impact in your life, you are kidding yourself! Don't be naive. Teachers are the most important influence on your kids outside the home. (And for some kids, teachers have more influence than the parents.)

That is an enormous amount of power and trust we put in our teachers. But do we compensate them accordingly? No! I will make almost 4 times more money than my future wife. Is my job important? Sure. I have to make sure people get the right medicine and understand how to take it the right way...or else they can die or seriously get hurt. And I am handsomely paid for it. But am I shaping any minds? Even if you think my fiance's job as a teacher is not as important as mine, do you really think it is 4 times less important? According to the way we pay our teachers...yes. According to the CSTF...no! [Also if teachers got paid more it would greatly improve my future financial situation. But that is besides the point.]

Don't get me wrong... just because I think teachers should be paid more doesn't mean I am entirely on their side. There are some dumb ass teachers out there! If it wasn't for their teacher's edition textbook, there wouldn't be much difference between teachers and their students. But society doesn't respect teachers. Sometimes, I don't blame them. Society does need to respect teachers more. But they can only do this if the teachers have quality. If they are going to be paid more, they should be better educated. Education shouldn't be a "easy way out" major in college for those who failed at other things. That is the way it is now. Teachers should have an official and nationally uniform doctorate level degree! Just like the PharmD, DDS, JD, MD, DO, etc. Forget all this masters of education bullshit! They should have a 3 year DE (Doctor of Education) program after undergrad. College professors and specialists can go on to earn other degrees in their fields. They can get their DE before or after. But regardless, every single person in charge of a classroom at any level, should be required to get a DE. Only if our teachers are properly educated, they can be good educators themselves.

Issue 2: Parents have their heads in their asses and they need to get them out.

Kids cannot learn to respect/enjoy/value education if their parents do not raise them to. The problem is that the same generation that started hating on school is the generation that is now becoming parents. So I see this problem getting much much worse. Kids don't give a crap about school. Why? Because mom and dad didn't either! Take a look at how Chinese or Japanese parents raise their kids. I am sure there are many things they do wrong but not when it comes to education! Even more than Indians. Once I received a tardy notice for being late to school a couple of times. I wasn't even that late. But my uncle went berserk! If you walked in on the conversation, you would have thought I raped a puppy or something. After that day, I understood the importance of being on time to class. Nowadays, parents don't care if their kid is ten minutes late to school. This "laisezz faire" attitude about school is wrong! What do you expect when parents today grew up watching shows like Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World. How can you expect people to respect school and its officials when they grew up watching Principal Belding and Principal Feeny being portrayed as buffoons. The modern counterparts of these shows on the Disney Channel and ABC Family are even worse! All of this needs to change at home if any of us wants our kids to grow up and be decent smart people. Forget about global warming and saving the planet, this should be our top priority if we want to save the future and leave a good life for our kids!

Problem 3: Education has become dumb and worthless. It needs to smarten up and become a priority.

Here is what I am talking about. We keep telling ourselves that there are all of these problems when it comes to education. Most of them revolve around not having enough money. Common sense tells us there is enough money. We just have not prioritized education high enough to use that money. If the US just had one less aircraft carrier, that would save $5 billion dollars of construction costs. You don't think that would make a HUGE impact in our schools? And I am just talking about the construction cost of one aircraft carrier! Not even counting the maintenance costs on all the toys our military has! Don't get me wrong. I am all for a strong military. We are the most powerful country on the planet. And it's because our military. But at some point, it becomes overkill. And at some point, it should become more about efficiency. Also, some of the money we throw down the gutter when we give it to entitled screw-ups in life through Medicaid (not all of them but MANY of them) can be better used in education. And what about all of these big time corporations that get away with paying trillions in taxes because they know how to work the system? Wouldn't some of that money be useful in schools? What do you think Japan has done? After getting MESSED UP by Little Boy and Fat Man in WW2, Japan essentially got rid of it's military and focused on economy and education. And now they are the smartest people and have the strongest economy on the planet.

And what about privatizing the whole damn thing? It's worked for everything else in this country so why not this? Maybe public school should only be available for those who are extremely poor. The government should privatize all of the other schools. The sheer amount of increased competition would make private schools not only more affordable, but also smarter. They would start competing to provide better and smarter education. Tax breaks can be given to those who want to start/buy/own schools. Also, by privatizing education, people without kids don't have to pay extra taxes for schools. And people with kids have a better choice and more options for education. I think that would even force people to be smarter about having kids. If they had to pay for the education from the beginning maybe those that shouldn't have kids finally wouldn't! And maybe even one day, education can go from being a financial burden to the government to being a source of revenue! [I can already see Indians owning every single school like they have with Subways and motels.]

There are many other things that can be done to fix this. I don't want to get into specifics here. But if we just stick to common sense and do what the CSTF tells us, this would turn into a much simpler issue. Forget that, it would turn into a non-issue! Using common sense to solve this issue is funny because I never actually remember learning common sense in school. There wasn't a class. I don't know where the hell it came from, but I learned it. It's unfortunate the same cannot be said about those that have the power to actually make a difference...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Kobe Bryant Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder!

Ok ok...he's not really diagnosed with Bipolar disorder...not officially anyway...but we here at King of Nothing are definitely not above using cheap headlines to capture your attention...we will sink to any low to gain popularity...we have no dignity...at least I don't anyways...but seriously...here is an EXCELLENT piece of writing on the highly polar Kobe Bryant...by my close buddy...Shril Bhatt. ("Langotio bhaiband" if you know Gujarati)

By Guest Blogger Shril Bhatt:

Dear Readers and Friends,

If I have to introduce to you who Kobe Bryant is, you are at the wrong place. Well hold on a second… I take it back. You might actually be at the perfect place! I’m sure majority of you already know about him being a great basketball player, his work ethics, and his interest in ‘other women’ and what have you. But I would be wasting my (and yours of course) precious time if I were to reiterate those things to you. The purpose of this blog entry is to let you all know what I have observed watching Kobe Bryant play countless times over the years. And after giving it some thought, I came to a conclusion that Kobe Bryant is suffering from Bipolar Disorder…. At least when he’s on the court! (And probably off of it...)

Let me first begin by defining Bipolar Disorder (BPD). A BPD is a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels (mania), cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. Ok. Now take a minute and pick up the pieces of your brain off of the keyboard. Put it back together...and read it again...closely. Go take a leak even if you don’t have to. As a matter of fact fill up a zip-lock bag with ice and sit on it. Alright, now let me explain what I mean by simplifying it.

Imagine an apple and an orange. Both are fruits, both are round, and both are generally very nutritious and good for your health. However they are totally different in the way they taste, their texture, the way they feel in your mouth, their juiciness…"Juiciness"...that's a nice word...You get my point. Likewise, I want you to think of two different Kobe Bryants for a second: One wearing the gold uniform (during home games) and the other, wearing the purple (away games). Do you notice anything different? If not, let me explain to you what I see.

First let me digress a little bit for a moment. If it wasn’t for Mukesh (The King of Nothing), I would not have cared to know about Kobe and the Lakers to this day. It was the year 2001 and we were relatively new in the United States. I didn’t care much about basketball let alone the NBA. It wasn’t until we started playing ball during our high-school days that I started learning the basics about basketball in general. Right around that time, the NBA playoffs were about to begin. Since Mukesh (a fellow Gujju) lived literally across the street from us at that time, we (my brother and I) would go to his place just to hang out. I still remember that tiny apartment of his and that plastic laundry basket stacked on top of cigarette boxes (not because he was chain smoker but because they have a smoke shop) and shooting hoops inside the house. Anyway, back to the Playoffs… So Lakers were playing Portland Trail Blazers at that time. It was the old Lakers then with Ron Harper, Horry, Horace Grant, Shaw and company. Since we didn’t have cable we used to go watch the games at Mukesh’s place. It was then when my infatuation with the Lakers began.

Now back to Kobe. Gold and Purple Kobe. How I see both of them? What differences do they have and why do I think he has ‘Basketball induced BPD’? First let me talk about ‘Gold Kobe’. Whenever I see him play at home, he plays a very relaxed game. He reminds me of Sachin Tendulkar. Usually calm, strictly business like attitude. Go on the court, play your game, make some plays, and call it a night with a win. In addition, he tends to be more of a team player at home. He usually gets more assists at home. His shots selections are much more ‘high-percentage’. He hardly shows any anger. He lets his game do the talking. When he gets substituted, he slowly walks to the bench, fist-bumps the bench warmers, takes his seat, puts a towel around his neck and sits back and observes.

Come to think of it I only remember a couple of incidences where I have seen him have emotional outbursts during/after the game at home. First when he outscored the entire Dallas team by himself, he pumped his chest several times at the end of third quarter. Second, beating the buzzer against Phoenix in the playoffs and lastly, against Miami couple years back. Even if you actually get a chance to re-watch his 81 point game, watch how he exits the court, he simply acknowledges the crowd as he walks and just raises his index finger in the air. You get my point here; Kobe tends to be low-key, much more serene and somber, straight business when he plays at the Staples Center.

In contrast, now imagine Kobe wearing the purple uniform. One word that comes to my mind right at that moment – ASSASSIN! Whenever I have watched him on the opponent’s court, he’s like a wild animal unleashed into the city. (And it's not always a good thing.)You can see him during the pregame shoot around; he’s ready to go crazy on someone. He’s outspoken from the get-go, he’s shouting plays. He’s directing traffic. He’s shouting at the referees, demanding foul-calls, throwing tantrums. Plus, we have all come to known his ‘Angry Beaver’ look whenever he’s ‘in the zone!’ There’s not much that his opponent can do to get him out of it. Heck, not even his own teammates or his own coaches can do anything to get him out of it. However, granting the fact that he’s unstoppable at those times, this nature of his sometimes lands him into a ‘freak-frenzy’ mode as well. He tends to attempt highly contested shots to silence the crowd. (Most of which he misses.) He tends to sway away from the designed plays. He plays one-on-five basketball, at times frustrating teammates, coaches, and of course us fans. In many occasions this has cost the Lakers the outcome of the games as well. Once again, you get my point here as well; Kobe tends to have “Manic Episodes” (due to “Basketball Reasons” – Fuck You, David Stern!) when he plays during away games.

Regardless of his BPD on the court, he’s still something special to watch night in and night out. I wasn’t around to watch much of Michael Jordan’s career. So when people ask me to compare Kobe to MJ, I can’t back up my arguments with facts. And for that reason, I tend stay away from that argument. Perhaps MJ was better than Kobe in his days. But most of us Laker fans (and haters) will agree that Kobe is the next best thing... and not that far away from him. (Or maybe he is...who the hell really knows?)

S.P. Bhatt!

Written by Special Guest Blogger: Shril Bhatt
Edited by The King of Nothing

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Put a Smile on that Face: Top 5 Biggest Little Pleasures in Life

My mom returned from India today. Why was she in the motherland? Shopping! For the wedding! I might as well have wiped my ass with hundred dollar bills and flushed them down the toilet because that would've been a better use for the money. So after dinner she opened the treasure chest and showed me an array of fancy clothing and jewelery. My wedding stuff, her wedding stuff, my parents wedding stuff, all the gifts for various relatives, etc... This included some fancy shoes, diamonds, shiny gold things, and clothes with silver lining (literally the element of silver not just the color). Are all of these things valuable? Sure. If by "valuable" you mean "worth money". But as I blankly stared and nodded my head in approval of all the shit placed in front of me, I thought to myself...I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF. And I don't know why/how people can find value in this. I mean real value. The kind that gives you pleasure.

Here is a pictorial list of things I would prefer to have and would give me more pleasure than fancy clothing or jewelery: (In case anyone wants to give me any kind of gift for any reason...)
Actually, this list is very long but here are a few highlights:

If they weren't available by any other means, I would gladly trade thousands of dollars worth of clothing and jewelery for any of the above 4 items. It doesn't even have to ALL of them. I would settle for any ONE of them. Arrested Development and The Wire are my favorite shows of all time. I plan on watching them over and over again until the day I die. On the top left is cheese. It doesn't matter what kind. I LOVE CHEESE! Slices, cans, blocks, shredded, liquid, solid, gooie, dry...it doesn't matter. I'll eat it with anything...or by itself! And as for the Robert Horry jersey, it doesn't even have to be signed!

So anyways, that got me thinking about the concept of pleasure. Normally, if you were to play the word association game with me, and someone said the word "pleasure" I would automatically think of masturbation. But not this time... This time I started to think about all of the little things in life that give people pleasure. Ironically, it's always the little things in life that give you the most natural pleasure. The big things give you artificial pleasure. This is because you don't expect pleasure from little things...so when there is, it is more of a genuine happiness. Whereas the big things, you are supposed to be happy, so when you are happy, it is not the same. So what are those little things? There are many. But I came up with 5 of the best ones. If you can think of a really good one that I left out, feel free to put it in the comments.

Here are the top 5 biggest little sources of pleasure in life:

5. When you are switching back and forth between channels and the timing is perfect as to avoid any commercials!

This is a very subtle pleasure. It is one of those things that if it is going right, no one notices. But if it's not, then you get pissed. Kind of like referees in sports. When you are watching something, and then a commercial comes, you go to the guide and pick a different show you are interested in watching. But if that show also happens to be in commercial, you start becoming frustrated. The worst is when you find 3 or 4 different things you want to watch but they are ALL in commercial. When that happens I get so mad I want to throw the goddamn remote at the screen! If a psychologist examined my mental status at one of those moments they would lock me up in the looney bin for being homicidal, suicidal, and just plain old crazy. But when you find that perfect timing, switching back and forth between Sportcenter and the Daily Show, or the Laker game and the Office, it is a great feeling. It is a pleasure that needs to be realized and appreciated more often.

4. When you find that perfect parking spot!!

Unlike #5, this one is very popular. The whole concept of finding a great parking spot against all odds is kind of like your own personal "Fuck you" to world that is full of misery and tragedy. Kind of like the concept of sticking it to the man. It also makes you look cool in front of your friends for some reason. The best is when you are traveling somewhere with your friends in two cars and your car finds the spot right next to the restaurant (or the strip club/whore house/casino/dog fighting ring/any place else you frequent with your friends) and the other car has to park far off. It gives you a competitive advantage for the rest of the night. Boosts your confidence. And it is also very helpful when you are drunk up your ass stumbling to the car after a night full of sinful activities. (Or so I've heard...)

3. When that red light finally turns green or when it turns green as you are approaching it!!!

This one is also very popular. If you ever want to measure something, sometimes it is easier to measure it's opposite. In this case, how much does it frustrate you when that light stays red for what it seems like eternity? Or when you have finally reached that cruising speed and the light in front of you turns red bringing your life and joy to a screeching halt (literally)...How frustrating is that? VERY! It makes me want to take my car, ram it into the light pole bringing the light down, then take a massive shit on that red light, and then piss all over the feces. I know I know...not a great visual...but it is still a better sight than seeing a red light in front of you right? I thought so! 

2. When the dial up internet finally became connected!!!!

This pleasure is a forgotten one. In the 90's this one was number 1. Remember when you had that dial up internet? And remember how eager you were to go online and check your email/log on to AIM/surf the web/watch porn? But remember that agonizing wait as the damn thing started the modem, dialed the number, made all those phone sounds, then finally became connected? Remember that? I certainly do. I remember my first internet was the free Earthlink. AOL was considered a rich man's luxury back then. There was no greater moment of pleasure than when that thing finally connected to the internet. The modern version of this is when you are waiting for your bootlegged movie or TV show to buffer. Some websites take forever. But when it finally does buffer, it is a great feeling! 

1. When the cars move up in a fast food drive-through line!!!!!

Ok. Unless you are a fat disgusting slob that enjoys great-tasting disgusting fast food, (and who isn't?) you will not know what I am talking about. Here are all of the factors that go into making this the greatest small pleasure in the world:

1. When you are in a drive through line you are probably starving or have the munchies from weed (Or so I've heard...)
2. If you are eating fast food then you love fast food and can't wait to eat some of those Jack in the Box jalapeno poppers, InNOut grilled cheese and animal style fries, or any item from Taco Bell.
3. When you hear the word "fast" you think of something like 30-60 seconds...not 15 minutes.
4. Not me but some people feel ashamed to be in the drive through of a fast food joint. Like it's some kind of shameful crime. So if they are there, they want to get out quickly.

When you take all of these factors into account, there is nothing more important to someone in the drive through line than getting that food and eating it. If I am sitting in the drive through line at Taco Bell, I don't care what is going on around me...rape, murder, genocide, earthquake, holocaust, thunder storm, tsunami, terrorist attack...IT DOESN'T MATTER! I want my food. And if you get stuck behind some car ordering like they are fucking catering a wedding, you are pretty much screwed! To be stuck behind someone like that, you have to have committed a grave sin in your past life like murdering a cripple or something. On the other hand, if I am the one with the huge order, I can care less about the people behind me. In any case, when I am in a drive through line, I literally count the seconds until it is my turn to pull up to the window. And with each passing car, it is a great feeling of not just a simple pleasure...but...happiness...true happiness!


Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Friday, March 9, 2012

The 2011-12 Lakers Midseason ParentTeacher Conference Part 2 (The Players)

This article had to be a bit delayed a few days to make room for our special guest blogger. But forget about children being raped and murdered in Africa, let's talk about what we REALLY care about...The Lakers:

Thanks for joining me once again in evaluating our/your beloved/hated Lakers. In case you missed it or you forgot how this whole Parent Teacher Conference thing works...Here is Part 1. Before we begin, here are a few wise words. So I watched the first half of the Lakers/Heat game on Sunday and I was at a loss for words. That is never a good thing for someone who wants to be a writer. Why was I so confused? I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the hell the Lakers were winning against the Heat. Not only were the Lakers winning but at times looked like they were dominating. For a second there, I thought I had seen the team's best performance of the season. Then, all of a sudden, I had a shocking revelation, which was so glaring and obvious, I can't believe I overlooked it: Where the fuck is Chris Bosh? My bubble was burst. Now everything made a lot more sense. In the two meetings like year, Bosh averaged 24 and 10 against the Lakers and was a HUGE reason why Miami won both times. Without Bosh, Miami's frontline couldn't score with a wad full of American dollars in a room full of Mexican hookers. Without Bosh, they are so bad they wouldn't be able to put the ball through the hoop even if the military helped them by attaching smart bomb technology to the ball with precise coordinates to the basket. Without Bosh, it puts way too much pressure on both of their perimeter stars to score each and every single time down the court. And most importantly, without Bosh, Gasol and Bynum don't have to guard the other big men which allows them to help out in the interior against the driving Lebron and Wade. I hate Chris Bosh. I think he is an overrated pussy. (Very similar to my feelings towards Vince Carter) But Bosh kills the Lakers. So don't expect me to praise the Lakers for beating Miami without him. They did what they were supposed to do. Let's not proclaim them championship favorites just yet...[And now that they have lost to Detroit and Washington there is no danger of that. The losses just prove my point even further.]

And with that great positive start, let's bring in our students:

Student: Kobe Bryant - Parent: Joe "Jellybean" Bryant

Teacher: "Welcome Jellybean. First of all, let me just say that I don't care one bit about you or your son outside of the basketball court. And it's not because I think that's none of my business. It's because if I did care about Kobe outside of the court, I wouldn't like him. Both of you are sorry excuses for human beings. I mean seriously. Rape charges, adultery, divorce, family fighting, no speaking between parents and kids for years...what the hell is wrong with you guys? Were you so freaking busy playing and teaching basketball to your son that you forgot to teach him how to be a decent human being?"

Kobe: [He has that angry beaver look on his face that he gets when he's on fire] "Hey man...I thought we were here to discuss my performance this season."

Teacher: "Yes you are right Kobe. Sorry for being side tracked. I will save all of the non-basketball issues for a future article. Jellybean, I have mixed reports regarding your son's play. First of all, the dude is a freak of nature. I don't know how the hell he plays with all of these injuries. His body is more beat up than a Giants fan at a Dodger game. He has taken a bigger pounding than a white guy's ass in a state prison shower. He has taken more hits over his career than a black guy trying to eat out in Alabama. But somehow the dude shrugs it off. I had no doubt in my mind that he would play even after a broken nose and a concussion at the All-star game. Considering how serious everyone takes concussions now a days, it is hard for any player not to miss time after a head injury. But that rule applies to everyone except Kobe. Even if you think he is selfish or a ball hog or whatever, you have to respect the fact that the dude has every excuse to take a day off but he suits up and goes out there and plays through the pain. The same cannot be said for other players. For example, look at this report from the 2007-08 season. Read the first sentence of the 4th paragraph. Would that even be a question with someone like Kobe Bryant?"

Jellybean: [With a smug pompous look on his face, now we know where Kobe gets it from] "Yes. All of that is the result of good genes. My son is getting older. He has logged an extremely high number of minutes. But somehow, that has not slowed him down this season. He is still averaging his usual 25plus 5 and 5. No one has been this good at this age."

Teacher: "All of that is correct Jellybean. But don't get full of yourself Kobe. I have some criticism as well. First of all, you are not shooting the ball well. In fact, you are shooting at an all time low. 43 percent field goals? You are starting to approach Iverson territory. And the 3 point line? Forget about it! I mean your are less accurate from 3 than me when I try to piss after pleasuring myself. That shit hits everywhere except the toilet bowl. You are still great for your age, but you do have limitations."

Jellybean: "Ok Teacher, so what does my son need to do to correct this? I may hate his guts, but after all he is my son. I do want him to succeed."

Teacher: "I am glad you asked me that Jellybean. I have some homework for you Kobe. Please work on these things." [The teacher hands over a sheet of paper to Kobe] It reads:

1. Take better shots! There is no need take falling fadeaways over 2 defenders or try to force a runner in the lane. Remember what Phil told you...do what comes naturally in the course of the game.

2. PASS THE BALL! You have two of the most skilled big men in the league. Both of them are great interior scorers. Use them more often. It will open up your game and you will get better looks. Also, I understand that this is a tough thing for you to do considering everyone outside your top 3 pretty much sucks. But still, just try it once. Hit Fisher or Murphy for that wide open 3 instead of forcing up a bad shot. See what happens. 

3. If it's Meta World Peace, then DO NOT PASS THE BALL! I will talk to Meta about this later.

4. Practice 3 pointers. You are supposed to get better at 3's when you age. Not worse. With your age, you need a weapon. You should develop yourself into an accurate long range shooter...not a volume one. Also practice catching and shooting like Ray Allen does. That way, you can score without doing all of the pre-work with the ball. It will expand your game and help you break that scoring record.

5. Understand your limits. You cannot elevate or blow by guys like you used to. So stop trying. It's embarrassing not just for you but all of your fans when you get your pocket picked by a no name player or you get your shot blocked by the third string center. Play within your limits. 

Teacher: "Lastly Kobe, I just want to leave you with this final advice. I understand that you are trying to go for the records. Anyone with even a half decent brain can see that you are throwing up shots because you realize you are now limited and you lost time with the lockout, so you need to make up those points. A monkey can see that. I am not saying you are not trying to win. I am not saying that what you are doing is wrong. Do it all you want. If you are that great and talented, then why not go for the scoring record? Or least try to pass Jordan. But remember this. There will come a point in this season, where scoring and winning will not be the same thing. They may even be the opposite. There will come a point where you will have to decide what the right thing is in order for you to win a playoff game/series. And when that point comes, I hope you remember the most important stat of all: 6 is more than 5. Hopefully, you will do the right thing when it counts. Whatever that "right thing" is...it's up to you to figure out."

Student: Pau Gasol - Parent: Marisa Gasol, MD (Absent due to unknown reasons)

Teacher: "Hello Pau. I don't really know anything about your parents. Everything I know about your family comes from your Wikipedia page. All I know is that your mother is/was a medical doctor. I don't even know if your parents are dead or alive. I am assuming that unlike some of your black teammates, you had a normal childhood with both of your biological parents present and sober for most of it. But who cares? The Laker fans are more concerned about your girlfriend, and whether or not she will keep you happy in the playoffs."

Pau: "Hey amigo, my dating life is great. And once again, I would like to put an end to all of the rumors circulating around the web. I am not gay! I may run funny or have feminine hand motions at times, but that's just how I am. I enjoy vagina...have you seen my girl? And I am also sick and tired of people criticizing me. They keep saying I am having a down year? I don't see it that way at all!"

Teacher: "I don't see it that way either Pau. I think you are having a normal year. People criticize you for not being on the All-star team but that is out of your hands. You are playing normally. As a matter of fact, I think you are playing exactly how you should be. Kobe should take a lesson from you. Andrew Bynum is having a career year so what do you do? You take less shots. You adjust your game to become more perimeter oriented to make room for Bynum's growth. You keep passing the ball to him and setting him up better than any Laker guard. You adjusted! As a result, your numbers are down. Do you think Kobe would be able to make all of those adjustments I mentioned? No way! Even with all the trade talk, you play hard, practice hard, and are a good teammate. Since your parents aren't here, I just want to make this short and sweet. Keep your head up Pau...Good job!"

Student: Andrew Bynum - Parent: Kareem Abdul Jabbar

Teacher: "Hello Kareem. I know that you are socially awkward. Many broadcasters would prefer lathering their balls with Bengay than to do an interview with you. People find you weird. That's why I am going to make this short. And besides, there is nothing bad I have to say about your former student Andrew Bynum anyways."

Kareem: [With a blank awkward look on his face] "Ok."

Teacher: "Ummmm...ok... So anyways...Bynum has been great! He is the second best center in the league. And probably one of the few REAL low post scorers in the game. His lowpost scoring repertuar is better than Dwight Howard's. It's just unfortunate that he can't use it as well against Dwight. For some reason, Dwight has Andrew's number. But besides him, there is no center in the league that can stop Andrew Bynum. On the defensive end, he has FINALLY learned how not to pick up cheap fouls. I would aruge that in the past, foul trouble was just as big of a reason for Andrew's lack of playing time as injuries. He should be named to the All-NBA Second team as well as All-NBA Defensive Second team. If the Lakers can turn him into Dwight Howard...great! If not...I will gladly go to war with Andrew Bynum as my center any day of the week...especially in today's NBA."

Student: Meta World Peace (Absent due to being suspended from school) - Parent: ??? (Absent - Left him when he was a child...probably)

Teacher: "Even though Meta is not here, I do have a few words for him. Meta/Ron/Whatever the fuck your name is... you will always have a special place in Laker lore. Your game 7 performace against the Celtics will go down as the stuff of legends in Laker history. But now you suck beyond belief. We would like to trade you but nobody is willing to take you. We cannot cut you because right now we need bodies. But here are your options: PLEASE do one of the following:"

1. Die
2. Retire
3. Rape/murder someone (the order in which you do those doesn't matter) so that your contract can be voided and your salary can be taken off the books and it wouldn't count against the cap or tax
4. Get into shape and practice and become good again

Student: Luke Walton (Absent due to inujry) - Parent: Bill Walton (Absent due to injury)

Teacher: Luke...please see the advice I gave Meta World Peace. Your career has been sad and unfortunate...but stop collecting your paycheck without doing any work for it. You have screwed the Lakers out of millions. (Although I would be doing the same thing if I was him.)"

The rest

Teacher: "Since the state of California is in the toilet, budget cuts have left the school system pretty much broke. They are losing more money than Nick Cage. So we will have to cut back on our Parent Teacher conferences. But it's really not a big deal because nobody else is really worth talking about all that much. Derek Fisher has been Derek Fisher. Which is not good. But until the Lakers get a competent starting point gaurd somehow, he is our guy and he has done a lot for us. So can't really bash him. Barnes and Blake have been good. Not that good but they have been what they are supposed to be. And that is...solid role players. Which is not what they were last year. Goudelock has been a nice little surprise. A solid replacement for Shannon Brown. Let's hope he keeps it up and doesn't cave in the playoffs. The Laker's have a monster 1-2-3. As for the 4-12, they can use some help. They are old, slow, and not that good. But you know what? They just might be good enough. We'll see...So that's a wrap on the Laker talk for now. (Unless something crazy happens before the playoffs.) We will revisit this after the season..."

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

And just as I finish writing this...they lose to the second worst team in the NBA...fuck me...and just when I thought they couldn't have a worse loss, they lose again to the worse team in the NBA...fuck me twice...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

By Vinit Patel: Thoughts on Kony 12

My thoughts on Kony12: Since there are no major articles.
If you don't know what this is, watch this first.

Here's the 101 to why it's interesting. I've made it as simple to understand as I can.

I've studied the Political science, and recent politics, in general. For those of you who don't know, the name of the game is: How people get what they want. In the simplest terms.

Why is this important to state? Because the American political system is complex. With many opinions, forces, pressures, etc. trying to get their voices heard and programs funded. Old people trying to get healthcare, poor people trying to get healthcare (and welfare), rich people trying to get lower taxes, etc. You get my point. This is by far the most fundamental idea.

The thing is, they're all meant to be implemented slowly. If you haven't noticed, which you most likely haven't, laws take forever to pass from the legislative branch to the executive branch. Mostly because of the strenuous process, but it is also due to the fact that our government was built that way. It was build to be slow. Don't believe what i'm saying? Read the Federalist Papers, I believe it's number 10 you'll be looking for. It talks about protecting the government from making decisions based on the passions of the people. Because people tend to cause uproars about things, which die down after months, weeks, and (in our current society) days. So back to those programs I mentioned earlier, Medicaid and Medicare, are actually a part of our government's expenditure because there was a continuous need for it. People kept voicing their opinions about it, and it wasn't the one time thing.

But something like Kony12 has never happened, assuming it plays out the way it should. And it's interesting to me because it something about it tells me it might work yet it seems so much like what is described in the federalist papers. So many people have already spread the word. They've come to know of the truth. Yeah, some people actually hope to achieve something, and others are mindlessly doing it just because it's what everyone else is doing. But the point is, everyone is doing something. Even if it's sharing a video. Everyone is getting riled up about Kony, and they want something done about it. If the ADHD society we live in today can keep spreading the word and voicing their opinions about this, then maybe it will be a success.

Unfortunately, that's the same thing that makes me think that this might not work out as planned. We live in a short-term memory world. People do things to be in trends, and in the now. Who knows if Kony will be remembered a month from now? How long did Livestrong bands last? People were so worried about the Haiti Earthquake, are they still doing stuff to help now? Wasn't the gulf spill just last year? And yet we've forgiven BP...well, actually, I was going to fill up at Arco either way. lol

Or maybe I'm just looking at it incorrectly. Granted, we may have some idiots out there, but, overall, we're just fast paced. Livestrong, Haiti, oil spills, tsunamis...people hear about them, spread the word, donate. Obviously, not everyone cares (but I'll get to that later). I think, TRI has understood this fact. And it's a smart thing. They decided to make April 20 their launch date, and it'll keep people focused till then. It's definitely a long enough window for action to be taken.

Those are reasons for why I find this interesting as someone who majored in Political Science. And I usually, scratch that...always, have something bad to say about politics today. This is the first time, I've seen a movement that has the potential to make a huge impact, whether you actually think about the collective voice or not.

But now I'd like to get to the point that a lot of people are probably encountering.

Before I continue: People have a right a right to their own opinion. And well, here's mine.

I'll be honest, I have known about Invisible Children and the LRA since HS, but I didn't know about Kony. I knew what was going on. Mutilations, child abductions, rape, etc, but I didn't know what I could personally do to help. I'm not made of money, I can't just fly to Africa. So there's a disconnect. Obviously, I can do a lot of things locally, do I? Not as much I should/could. That's because I view Americans as a waste of my effort. They are the root of their own stupid problems (For the most part), and that is my opinion. Obviously, I'm talking about when it comes to violence which decreases the chances of survival. I'm not talking about cancer, diseases/disorders, etc. Because I actually will be participating in a walk-a-thon May 5th. Lol I'll post a link in the coming weeks, please donate hahaha. Anyways, that's leading into a different discussion. Back to where I left of at. I think this new method of getting things done through social media, through the internet, will be interesting to watch, now and in the future. People should get involved. Share the link. Tell your friends. Who cares if you never knew about this occurring? So what if now, all of a sudden, you're talking about it. At some point in my life, I didn't know about it. At some point in my life, I also didn't know the things I do now, which is not much at all.
But knowledge is the remover of ignorance. Who gives a crap if people don't know, didn't know. As long as they eventually know and become aware of what is happening. That is the only way people will formulate opinions, thoughts, feelings.

- Point to all of this: do something, be a part of it. Watch it all unfold. Not like it was much of a burden on you. Not like you were mutilated, raped, shot, killed. Why should anybody else be?

By Guest Blogger,
 Vinit Patel

Monday, March 5, 2012

From God to Vegas...

This weekend I had a very interesting conversation with a few of my friends. It lasted almost 3 hours. The topics ranged from God to religion to spirituality to ultimate reality to science to time travel to happiness to drugs to Las Vegas. Notice how we started off at God and ended up at Vegas. (My life in a nutshell) Then I came home, ate about 2000 calories worth of Mexican food at midnight and went to sleep. (Or at least tried to sleep) So here I am an hour later. Wide awake and feeling the need to write...hopefully this burns off some of the calories.

This article is not about any specific religious beliefs or trying to convince anyone about what I believe or don't believe in. To be honest, I myself don't know what I believe. I cannot truthfully convince myself that all of the religious beliefs I grew up with and have been told/taught are 100% true (or false). But I do have some observations that I would like share. Whether you believe in God/religion/spirituality or don't...I think most reasonably thinking people would agree that these observations are pretty accurate...

1st Observation: MANY people are proud to claim "I am not religious but I am spiritual." But NOT MANY people are willing to admit, "I am religious but I am not spiritual." 

Here is what I mean. I think the whole "not religious but spiritual" thing has become a cliche. It is the cool, hip, trendy thing to say. I am sure there are a few people out there who really mean it, but I don't think that most people who say this are very religious OR spiritual. They just say this either 1) to be cool and hip 2) they heard it before and it sounds wise and thoughtful 3) they don't know what else to say because they have never given this topic any thought or 4) they think people will think bad about them if they admit that this aspect of their life is completely absent, so they need to say something that will justify that absence.

Conversely, I have never heard anyone claim that they are not very spiritual but are religious. This is funny because there so many people I know who fall under the "religious but not spiritual" category. Religion without spirituality is pointless. Here are a few analogies in the form of mathematical equations to make this point a little easier/harder to understand.

(Religion - Spirituality) = (Sex - Ejaculation) = (Pointless, No fun, All the hard work without any payoff)

(Religion - Spirituality) = (Mexican food - Hot sauce) = (Bland, Incomplete, A feeling of something missing)

(Religion - Spirituality) = (Indian wedding - Good food) = (Boring, Uneventful, Easily forgotten)

(Religion - Spirituality) = (The Indian dish of Pau Bhaji - Onions) = (Unsatisfying, Lacking, Mediocre)

(Religion - Spirituality) = (Spending time and money behind women - Trying to have sex with them) = (I mean seriously, what is the point?)

Ok so you get the point...hopefully. Just in case you are a complete retard, let me spell it out for you one more time... Religion without spirituality is pointless and a waste of time. Yet, there are so many people out there who spend an endless amount of time/money/manpower/energy behind their religion without really understanding their own spirituality. They blindly follow the masses and go through all of the religious motions without thinking about their own salvation or what exactly they are supposed to be doing or working on their character and truly becoming better people. That is where spirituality comes in. I think it's just funny how many people are religious but not spiritual. Unfortunately, most of them are either clueless or not willing to admit to it...maybe even myself included.

2nd Observation: Religion is tough because unlike the real world, the consequences of religion are not readily presented to us.

Think about this. Let's say your girlfriend/fiance/wife wants you to stay up all night and talk to her. Whether you decide to follow her wish or not...you will experience the consequences in a fairly short term basis. If you say yes and stay up all night, she will appreciate you for it and tell you she loves you or do something for you or whatever... If you say screw that I am tired and I am going to sleep, then she will call you names, be mad, and argue with you whenever she finally does talk to you. In either case, the consequences of your decision will happen within a few days. Because the results will happen in the short term, you are able to comprehend the consequences of both decisions and then hopefully that will help you make the right decision before those consequences happen... (I don't know about you but for me the right decision is always...SLEEP AT ALL COST!)

You can take this scenario and basically apply to any relationship or field in life. If you do what your bosses tell you, you will keep your job and maybe get promoted or get a raise. If you don't you may be punished in some way or get fired. Either way, we can see the consequences because they will happen relatively quickly. But in religion? Most religions don't have consequences in the short term. Whether it is "Judgement Day" where consequences come at the end of your life/world, or "Karma" where consequences can come at any time, even in a different life time...it is very hard to judge the consequences of your actions. That makes the religious decisions all the more harder. If all of the religious rules had consequences the very next day (rewards if you follow them and punishment if you don't), I think many more people would follow the rules of their religions than they do now. Just an observation and opinion. Too bad it doesn't work like that.

I don't have any conclusions to draw from these observations. If you are reading this then you can draw your own conclusions based on your own beliefs. Personally, at this point in my life, there are four words that perfectly describe my current religious/spiritual status: "I just don't know..." To put it another way...I am in a relationship with God...and our Facebook relationship status reads..."It's complicated..."

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Saturday, March 3, 2012

The 2011-12 Lakers Midseason ParentTeacher Conference Part 1 (Management)

Since I started this blog, I have been asked to write about the Lakers. But I promised myself I would only write what comes naturally. I haven't had to put much effort into any of my articles thus far because that is what I was thinking and feeling at the time, so it was easy to put into words. Up until I know, I didn't really feel like writing about the Lakers so I didn't want to force my writing. However, this morning I woke up with wood. Not that kind of wood. Get your mind out of the gutter. But I did wake up with a hard-on for writing...writing about the Lakers to be specific. So here it goes...

I remember going to parent teacher conferences in elementary school. (It was an uncle-teacher conference for me.) I think these things should happen more often. There is a major disconnect between teachers and parents. The parent teacher conference offers many benefits. So why not do it at the professional level? God knows some of our beloved Lakers could use some parental guidance...Since I am wise and all-knowing, I'll be the teacher...

Student: Jim Buss - Parent: Jerry Buss

Teacher: "Hello Dr. Buss. Welcome. I'm glad you are able to take a break from driving around town drunk with 19 year-olds to discuss your son's performance."

Dr. Buss: [A growing concerned look on his face] "What did he do now? Did he start doing drugs again? Or he did he knock up a stranger? Or did he mismanage another franchise and put it in bankruptcy? Please tell me it's the drugs. Please tell me he didn't do to the Lakers what he did with the Los Angeles Lazers..."

Teacher: "Well that's just the thing Dr. Buss. I am not too concerned about the history of drug use. At least not yet. But Jim has a huge problem with managing people. Communication, loyalty, humility, listening to experts and delegating responsibility are not his strong suits. Forget being strong suits, he is not good at those things at all! That just doesn't bode well for someone in charge of an NBA franchise...especially the Lakers."

Jim: "Dude...screw you! I don't care what anyone thinks. And that includes the fans, my employees, other owners, the coaches, the players, the league and the media! I am a billionaire and I own the freaking Lakers! I MADE Andrew Bynum."

Teacher: "See? This is exactly what I mean Dr. Buss. First of all Jim, you are not a billionaire. Your father is. You just happened to be lucky enough to be the sperm that was able to squirt out of your father's penis and penetrate your mother's ovum. And you are lucky he made himself into a billionaire and handed the Lakers over to you."

Dr. Buss: "Jim, we talked about this son. Our scouts, Kurt Rambis, Kareem, and Phil Jackson are the real reasons why Andrew Bynum has become an all-star. Not you. He couldn't tell the difference between a basketball and a watermelon when you drafted him. You are not the one that spent hours coaching and giving him lessons on how to play basketball."

Teacher: "I am glad you are offering your input here and there Dr. Buss. But you seriously need to think about handing over the franchise to someone else. Even your daughter Jeanie, who is already in charge of the business side of the Lakers, would be a better choice to handle the basketball side. Let me just give you this report card. It doesn't have a grade on it. But it does have a list of bad moves Jim has already made this season." [The teacher hands over a sheet of paper to Dr. Buss.] It reads:

1. He alienated and fired long time loyal employees including assistant GM Ronnie Lester.
2. He didn't even give Brian Shaw a chance at the head coaching job just because he was associated with Phil Jackson.
3. He hired Mike Brown. There is nothing wrong with Mike Brown and he might work out just fine. But he hired him just because it was his own choice. Mike Brown doesn't fit with this team. He is a great defensive coach but this is not his kind of roster.
4. Whether or not you believe a player should have input in the hiring of a coach, you should at least return his call. If anyone has earned a right to at least get a call-back, it's Kobe Bryant. Jim didn't even call him back.
5. This is mid way through the season. There are many other things. Some we know about. Some we don't. My concern is that this list is going to grow much larger as we continue through this season and next.

Dr. Buss: [After examining the list, the concerned look on his face turns into real worry.] "You know, there are many similarities between me and the Godfather Vito Corleone. We both came from nothing and made ourselves into something. But unlike the Godfather, I don't have a son like Michael Corleone. Instead, I am stuck with a weird combination of Sonny and Fredo in Jim. Sigh..."

Teacher: "Once again, Dr. Buss...I strongly urge you to get a professional that knows what they are doing to take over. I hope you see the light. Please don't let the Lakers turn into Frank Mccourt's Dodgers. Los Angeles deserves better. Good day sir..."

Student: Mitch Kupchak - Parent: Jerry West

Teacher: "Good day Mr. West. Since you are Mitch Kupchak's former boss, mentor, and he is your protege, it is only fitting that you sit in as his legal guardian for this parent teacher conference. How is the consultant gig with Golden State going?"

Jerry West: "Things are good. I keep receiving these "consultant" offers. I don't know why. But hey...who am I to complain? I don't do any work and I get paid for giving my two cents on a player that I don't even know. I didn't really do any great things in Memphis either. My skills as a talent evaluator might be exaggerated and wildly overrated. I mean even a monkey could have figured out that Shaq and Kobe were good. But that's not why we are here. Let's talk about Mitch."

Teacher: "Well...contrary to what many people think, I actually think Mitch is doing a good job. He is dealing with a lot of challenges. For one, this new CBA, which punishes luxury tax teams extremely harshly, has Mitch in the corner. This type of rule was intended exactly to hurt teams just like the Lakers so that duechbag owners like Dan Gilbert in small markets can make up for their mistakes. They overpaid for their teams, handed out horrible contracts left and right, and mismanaged their franchises. And now they want teams like the Lakers, Bulls, Knicks and Mavericks to bail them out. This new CBA really has limited what Mitch can do."

Jerry West: "Yeah tell me about it. But I think he still has tried to make some nice little moves. What happened with the whole Lamar Odom thing? He came home crying one day and kept saying 'Lamar made me do it...Lamar made me do it...' What was that all about?"

Mitch Kupchak: [A combination of anger and innocence covers his face] "He wanted to get traded! It wasn't my fault! It's wrong that people blame me for trading Lamar Odom. I mean every single NBA player knows that they can be traded at any time. I was just trying to make my team better. I tried trading him in the whole Chris Paul thing and then he got his feelings hurt. I mean seriously? He is a grown man and a professional! He acted like he was picked last in an elementary school game on the blacktop. He came crying to me telling me he wanted me to trade him and he wasn't happy. What am I supposed to do? He wanted out. What a freaking baby! Get over it and play! You are playing a game for a living and making millions of dollars doing it! I was still willing to work it out but I guess he just doesn't know how to be a professional. And plus, there is so much pressure on me with this whole luxury tax thing, I had to trade him."

Teacher: "You are exactly right Mitch. Don't listen to people who criticize you on this. I mean just look at Lamar Odom now! He is an emotional physical and mental mess! That mess would've been on our team if we kept him. And Khloe Kardashian? Who needs her? That fat bitch doesn't belong in Hollywood anyways. She should be in Dallas with the rest of obese America! Maybe Lamar is secretly ruining Dallas from the inside and then they will buy him out and we can resign him for the minimum. Let's keep our fingers crossed... But Jerry...Mitch...on a serious note...I did want to talk to both of you about the bullying that Mitch has become a victim of."

Jerry West: [Clueless look on his face] "Bullying? Who can possible bully Mitch Kupchak?"

Teacher: "David Stern. Mitch Kupchak and the Lakers absolutely got hosed on the whole Chris Paul thing. Now...I understand the fact that the league owns the hornets so David Stern can control their trades. That is not the issue. But all throughout last season and even the off-season David Stern kept preaching that Dell Demps has full authority to make all of the trades and the league office will not interfere. Then, after receiving this letter from duechbag Dan Gilbert, David Stern changes his mind and nixes the trade. Are you kidding me? Mitch Kupchak and the Lakers are a victim of David Stern and his gang of small market owners."

Jerry West: "Yes you are right. But what can we do now? The only thing we can do is win a championship before the Clippers and then shove the trophy up Stern's ass when he is handing it to us."

Teacher: "Well said sir. This has been a great meeting. Keep up the great work Mitch! I don't mind that you are still trying to make big moves. But don't forget about the small moves either. Finding Goudelock was a nice little move. I would rather have a GM be active and always involved in trade rumors rather than one that is sitting on his ass. Good luck at the trading deadline!"

Student: Mike Brown - Parent: Phil Jackson

Teacher: "Phil, I am sure you are asking yourself why you are here. Let me explain. Mike Brown's biological father abandoned his family when Mike was a child. (Not really sure if this is true or not but considering that Mike Brown is black...it's not a huge stretch.) So that is why you are here as his legal guardian. You are the best coach of all time in any sport. You have 11 rings. So who better to help evaluate Mike Brown's performance? I am glad you are enjoying yourself in your huge Montana home smoking weed all day and banging Jeanie Buss. Let me know if you need your Cialis refilled. To be honest, I am surprised your relationship is still going on. Please share your secret about women with me some day. I thought it would be a tabloid thing. But you have kept it long term and classy. Congratulations!"

Phil: "Yes...Jeanie is great."

Teacher: "Okay let's talk about Mike Brown. I have a mixed report. Let's start with the positive. Great defensive mind. This Laker defense has improved greatly from last year. It is still a work in progress. But with this aging roster, Mike Brown is pretty much getting the most he can out of them at the defensive end. Let's just hope they improve and bring it in the playoffs."

Phil: "That's good to hear. I always had mixed feelings towards defense. What is the bad news?"

Teacher: "There are a couple of things that concern me. First of all, the offense looks bad. Terrible. Ridiculous. Horrendous. Ugly. Not just regular ugly...I mean Newt Gingrich ugly! When Mike was hired, some people said that these players are so smart and good at offense that they will take care of it own their own. That has not been the case. I guess at the end of the day, players are just players. That's why they pay coaches millions."

Mike: "It's not my fault. Kobe is jacking up shots and its ruining the entire offensive strategy. He realizes he is getting old and losing precious time. Plus losing all those games in the off-season...I mean...I don't want to say it...but you know what I mean right? [Mike Brown trying to hint at the fact that Kobe is gunning for the scoring record while he still has some ability left and making up for the lost lockout games but he cannot say it out loud.]

Teacher: See that is my other issue with you Mike. You don't have the balls to stand up to star players like Kobe. If you see him make a mistake...say it! Stand up to him! I mean you are the freaking coach for crying out loud. Take control man! If you are not going to do that...at least pretend like you are in charge. Don't act like a fan when they make great plays! I mean sometimes you act like Kobe's little daughters out there. You are not a comedic sidekick. What's next? When Kobe hits a game winner, are you going to go up to the other team and say 'You just got knocked the fuck out!' like Chris Tucker in Friday?"

Phil: "You see Mike...dealing with star players requires a combination of wisdom, patience and even a little ego. Unfortunately for you, I am the master at it and you are not. You will never be me. So stop trying. I am the greatest of all time. You cannot fill my shoes. But you know what? For what it's worth...you would be an excellent defensive assistant coach."

Teacher: You are right once again Phil Jackson. Please come back? Please? Pretty Please? [Phil leaves the classroom with his wise words just oozing of wisdom and rides off into the sunset with his 11 rings...]

And with that we end part one of the Lakers' Parent Teacher Conference. Stay tuned for Part 2...when we bring in the players!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing