Friday, May 4, 2012

The Bullshit Radar: Part 1 - Cars and Diamonds

Here is a summary of life: You are born. You grow up. You die. In between those things, you learn stuff and gain knowledge about the world. It's amazing how much you have still to learn about the world when you are a child. Thousands of hard drives can be filled by the sheer amount of how much more knowledge an adult knows compared to a child. There are certain things that you can only learn by experience when you grow up and do adult things. The Bullshit Radar is one of those things. (I am capitalizing the term Bullshit Radar in hopes that it becomes some kind of official concept/thing.) Let me explain.

Humans are not born with the ability to recognize bullshit. A baby's bullshit perception is nonexistent. They will believe anything. When you play 'got your nose' with them, they truly believe you are in possession of their nose in your hand. You can even have wild sex in front of a baby and they would have no idea what the hell is going on. It would be pretty much like having sex in front of a retarded monkey in a coma. Then somewhere around the age of 3-4, they start developing some sort of a primitive Bullshit Radar. At that point, they are too old to play 'got your nose' because they can smell your bullshit coming from a mile away. But their Radars are nowhere close to being fully functional. So they still fall for your bullshit lies like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. They even believe the Boogeyman will come and get them if they don't tuck into bed and go to sleep. Then around 9-10 years of age, the Bullshit Radar starts maturing. They can detect the Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy bullshit but they still don't have the ability to understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. They will believe you when you tell them that mommy and daddy are just playing a game to see who can shout louder. If they walk in on you banging, they will believe you when you say daddy and mommy are just wrestling. Then they grow up and become teenagers. Now their Bullshit Radar is going off all over the place. They can sense all kinds of bullshit coming from adults, including their parents, teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors.

So how does someone develop their Bullshit Radar? One word. Experience! A baby eventually realizes you cannot physically remove their nose. Bullshit detected! One year the kids catch you putting gifts under the tree or money under the blanket. Bullshit detected! A teenager finally realizes all those "shouting matches" now make sense after the parents got a divorce. Bullshit detected! With experience, you learn to detect bullshit. The Bullshit Radar becomes fully functional when you finally grow up, make a living for yourself, and go through adult experiences...And with that lengthy but necessary set up intro...I am finally proud to declare that my Bullshit Radar is fully operational!

The car and diamond businesses are two of the most obvious and well known adult experiences that will set off people's Bullshit Radars. But you cannot REALLY know how much bullshit is spewed in these industries until you experience it first hand. Having recently bought a Benz and a diamond ring, I can tell you 99% of what you hear is 100% genuine grade-A bullshit! Diamonds are priced based on clarity, color, cut, spots, etc. Give me a fucking break! Nobody knows shit. The salesman will show you on a microscope that one diamond has some spots or better clarity than another diamond. You can't tell shit! They all look the same. And let's just say that they are right. Even if there really was a difference, if you need a motherfucking microscope to find flaws in a diamond then what the hell does it matter? Nobody is going to fucking walk around with a microscope to show people how flawless their diamond is. All that matters is how they look to the naked eye...and to the naked eye, they all look the same! It's all a bunch of crap to make you spend money. I can take a fancy and shiny piece of glass, put in fancy packaging, fabricate a receipt for ten thousand dollars, and give it to 99% of the girls out there and they wouldn't know shit. Even the so-called experts can't REALLY tell the true value of a diamond without looking at how they paid for it themselves.

Worst than the diamond salesman is the car salesman. A diamond salesman lies to himself when he thinks he knows what he's talking about. But a car salesman lies to YOU. Straight up. I had a salesman tell me he was making literally $60 profit on a Range Rover at the price he was offering me and he could not negotiate even dollar further. I walked out. A week later he called me saying he had lowered the price by thousand dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? So you are telling me now you are going to lose $940 on that car? Get the fuck out of here! I ended up buying a different car somewhere else, but I guarantee you if I go back after another month the price would be lowered another two thousand dollars and they would still be making at least four thousand dollars profit on it. (Actually, just out of curiosity I looked up their price right now and guess what? LOWERED ANOTHER $700! Excuse me for a second while I turn off the alarm on my Bullshit Radar.)

There are so many other things that set off my Bullshit Radar. Some of those things I do not want to share on here because it would offend and upset some of my closest friends. Let's just's complicated. What I REALLY wanted to talk about was the bullshit concept of "Mental Health." When I thought about writing this article, I figured I would start off by writing about the car and diamond examples in the introduction and then move on to mental health, which would be the meat of what the article was really about. But that's just the thing about bullshit...there is so much of it in the world! This article would have become way too long. So I had to split it into a 2-parter (or possibly more). Stay tuned for part 2, where I guarantee the majority of you will be offended/upset/angry after reading it.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

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