Dream Chaser? Kiss My Ass!

Did you think this blog thingy was just a phase? Did you think I would get tired of it after a few weeks? Did you think I would run out of shit to write about? If there is anything you should know about me, it is that the list of shit that pisses me off in this world is endless! So being the excellent manager of time that I am, I figured I would shit out my first article in almost 4 weeks during a slow day at work. My first order of business? I feel like it's been a while since I typed some curse words. So let me have my male period and rid my body of toxins by getting the cursing out of my system:

fuck fuck fuck shit bitch cocksucker motherfuck asshole cuntlicker jackass shithead moron fuckface lardass whore slut douchebag jizz faggot homo fuck fuck fuck motherfucker pussy

Ok...that's better! Now onto the issue at hand. There has been way too much of this bullshit floating around nowadays that involves people "chasing their dreams" or "living life to the fullest." I believe Hollywood and Bollywood are the most to blame for this donkey jizz going around everywhere. Think about every single romantic comedy ever made. The girl is always dating a career-oriented well-educated guy who lives by the traditional norms of society. Then she meets some good-looking cool hipster who doesn't care about what society thinks and just loves to have fun and live his life to its fullest. So she ends up leaving the career-oriented dude for the dream chaser. Whenever I see this in a movie it pisses me off so much. Am I the only one that is rooting for the career-oriented dude? Watching these kinds of movie plots has poisoned the minds of young people today.

What the fuck does "living life to its fullest" mean anyways? Now don't get me wrong. I like to have fun too. But there is a difference between "work hard play hard" and "just having fun in life." I am in the "work hard play hard" camp. It really chaps my ass when I see people taking a year off between high school and college or college and grad school to "take a break" or "have fun." What the fuck do you need a break from? Was high school or college that tough that you need an entire year to rest your brain? Do you have any idea what the value of one year is? You are not only losing a year of productivity from your life but what most people don't realize is that they will start their career one year later. Do people realize the implications of that? That's one year's worth of salary. One more year of experience. One more year of practice. Hey ASSHOLE, how about instead of thinking about taking a break and having fun, you man the fuck up and get your shit together! This is exactly what I thought about when I decided which pharmacy school to go to. Even though the school I chose to go to actually started before my undergrad even ended, I chose to SACRIFICE fun things like my graduation ceremony and summer vacation because it meant I would finish pharmacy school one year earlier. Had I not done that, I would be just graduating right now instead of already having worked a year and having a year's experience under my belt. Not to mention I would've been $120,000 lighter in the wallet.

You know what else gets my panties in a bunch? I don't appreciate all of these douchebags who "love what they do for a living" and look down upon the rest of us who hate our jobs. These people make it seem like it is some sort of a crime to have a job you don't like. First of all, it is called work! If it was meant to be something you liked doing, it wouldn't be called work! Second of all, all of you assholes who love your job so much, why don't you just do it for free if you are having so much fucking fun at work? And third of all, there are many factors that determine why people choose a particular career path, and having fun at work should be towards the bottom of that list!

You know what should be at the top of that list? What your family needs! If your daddy is filthy rich you can afford to chase your dreams and go into retarded majors like music, art, film, or literature...then look down  upon those of us in medicine, computer science, or business. But if your family requires your salary to pay the mortgage or buy a car, if you know your parents are going to need your help in the future, and if you know there are people depending on you...then you know what? You just have to give up your long shot dream and your fun lifestyle and just live the life of a boring pharmacist. Or a doctor. Or an accountant. Or a lawyer. Because not all of us can be writers and actors and musicians.

Remember in your high school yearbook everybody had a quote or a motto? Most people's motto was something along the lines of "live life to its fullest." Today, kids are being taught this garbage. I don't remember what my motto was. But I know what I will teach my kids: "Forget living life to it's fullest son. Your motto in life will be to SACRIFICE...because daddy wants to quit his job, work more on his blog, and chase his dream now...so you will have to support him..."

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

A Letter From Pharmacists To Dentists

As the smartest, wisest, sharpest, and the the most overall greatest pharmacist on the planet, when it comes to the following issue, I would like to speak on behalf all of my brothers and sisters who share the same profession. The issue is regarding dentists and dental offices. Recently, I wrote an open letter to every single dentist and dental student in the world. Was it an imaginary letter? Yes. But that is not what is important. Here is the letter:

Dear tooth "doctors",

You are not real doctors. You went to dental school because you could not go to medical school. Can you say the same thing about us pharmacists? Absolutely. But at least we can blame that on our laziness. You guys are stupid enough to be in school and work just as hard as MDs and still not be considered real doctors. I don't mean to offend you. Many of you are very good friends of mine. But the truth hurts. You may be wondering why I am being such a dick to you. Well, just read the rest of this letter. 

I don't know which fucktard in the government decided that you guys should be allowed to prescribe medications. Probably some corrupt lawmaker who is taking money from the dental lobbyists. But if you guys are going to be prescribing antibiotics for your little dental procedures that can be performed by a nine year-old with Down syndrome, at least have the fucking decency, accountability, and professionalism to know what the fuck you are prescribing. What exactly do I mean by "know what you are prescribing"? I don't know exactly how much teaching they do in dental school about prescription antibiotics. But that is not what I mean. Any halfwit can look through the IDSA or an antibiotics treatment flow chart and pick a decent antibiotic. You may know about the drug you are prescribing but do you really UNDERSTAND the prescription? 

For example, when you prescribe clindamycin solution for a dental procedure, do you really know what you are doing? Now clindamycin may be a perfectly acceptable drug of choice in terms of pure medical science. But do you have any idea how much it fucking costs? Do you understand that your patient has no insurance and that they are not going to pay $70 for a prophylactic antibiotic especially when they just spent $300 at your fucking office? As a medical professional, you need to not only know the science, but also know the patient, and their situation. Just fucking prescribe some amoxicillin or keflex, stick a nitrous tube up your ass (and up mine), and call it a night!

Now go back to the part where I said know what you are prescribing. And this time, I literally mean know what you are prescribing. Too many times in my short miserable career have I come across prescriptions written by dentists with the wrong dosages. Whether it is a drug that is not available in that strength, or an improper dosage, I have spent way too much time and energy calling dentists offices for clarifications, especially when I have the medical expertise to change the prescription and make it appropriate, but do not have the legal ability to do so. So in case you were too hungover to attend this lecture in dental school, here are a couple of lessons that I think you guys should take note of. 

1. Naproxen does not come in 600mg

2. Ibuprofen 800mg should only be taken 3 times per day. 1-2 q4-6h is not a standard sig you can put on anything you write for. Some shit has limits. 

3. Vicodin contains 5mg of hydrocodone and 500mg of acetaminophen. Norco 5 on the other hand, contains the same amount of hydrocodone but only 325mg of acetaminophen. 

4. The official max daily dose of acetaminophen is 4g. The recommended is 3.2g. 

5. 6g is more than 4g. 

6. Max means maximum. 

7. Maximum means you cannot give more than that. 

8. Therefore, if you use logic, you can deduce that 6g of acetaminophen in one day is way too fucking much! Unless of course you are purposefully trying to cause liver damage. In that case, it is perfectly ok! As long as the patient has perfect teeth, it makes no fucking difference to you does it?

9. The sky is blue.

Here is another question for all of you dentists. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU HIRING TO RUN YOUR OFFICES??? I cannot count how many fucking times I have called and asked to change the drug on a prescription, and the fucking bitch on the other end just goes yea that is ok, without consulting you (the dentist). As if she fucking knows the difference. The following is a list of things/animals/people whose medical opinion is worth the same as a dental assistant's:

1. A rock

2. A retarded rock

3. A monkey who was born 2 months premature and then subsequently dropped on his head 

4. My turd

5. My turd's turd

6. Sarah Palin

7. Sarah Palin's turd

8. A black or Hispanic doctor (oxymoron,if they existed)

Wait, I take it back. The monkey's medical opinion might actually be worth more. I mean seriously. Just because this bitch took some bullshit 6 week course from ITT tech and printed out a diploma on her home printer makes her some sort of an expert on medications? But you know what? I don't have time to fuck around. So if they go ahead and change or approve shit on their own willy nilly, I just fucking take their name down and accept it. (And so does every other retail pharmacist.) That way, when shit hits the fan, we know who to blame. So my dear dentists, please exercise some control over your fucking staff, and be careful who you hire. Also, please don't try to be like real doctors and pretend you are busy when I am on hold on the phone.

That is all. 

From your fellow pretend-doctors, 

Pharmacists!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. No hard feelings black or Hispanic people.

The Most Bogus Awards in Sports: NBA

If you have been keeping up with the blog lately, you will notice lately I have been in a mood to write about awards. Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about awards in sports. I think it was during watching footage of a massive train-wreck...or it could've been during one of the Laker playoff games...same difference. Actually I think an actual train-wreck would probably be more satisfying and less disappointing. Anyways, on the screen, there was a graphic displaying the playoff and regular season records of Lakers head coach Mike Brown, with a footnote stating he won the NBA Coach of the Year award in 2009. That got me thinking...this award is bullshit, meaningless, retarded, and most of all...BOGUS! And with that, I had my next article...the most bogus awards in sports.

Then I started thinking. What are the most bogus awards in sports? When I started listing them, I came to a realization. Guess what it was. ALL OF THE MOST BOGUS AWARDS IN SPORTS ARE NBA AWARDS! Let's break this bitch down:

NBA Coach of the Year

Fact #1: 11-time champion (The most in professional sports history), and someone who is widely recognized as one of the (if not the greatest) coaches, not only in the NBA but in sports history, Phil Jackson, has won the NBA Coach of Year award only ONE TIME in more than 20 years of coaching in the NBA!

This is a fucking travesty. I am not saying this because I am a Laker fan. I am making the same argument for his long-time rival and Spurs head coach Greg Popovich. This leads me to fact # 2.

Fact #2: From the year 1991 to 2010 (20 year span), Phil Jackson (11 rings) and Greg Popavich (4 rings) have combined for 17 finals appearances and 15 out of the 20 championships. But they have combined for only 2 Coach of the Year awards in that span. (Both have 1 each, with Popavich winning a second most recently in 2012.)

Are you fucking kidding me? Ok. here is the deal with this award. I understand it is a regular season award. So the coach that ends up winning the championship is not necessarily the coach that did the best job throughout the regular season. But are you telling me that Phil Jackson and Greg Popovich have not done a better job in the regular season than a lot of the other coaches who have won the award? More often than not, this award has become the award for "The team that was better than we expected it to be." We can't explain why they were better (probably more due to the players playing better than the coach) so we attribute it to the coach and give him Coach of the Year.

Here are some examples:

1. 1992: Don Nelson won the award with Golden State (55-27) over Phil Jackson with the Bulls (67-15) - Nelson definitely didn't have the same roster that Jackson did...but still! The dude won 67 games! And it's not like Don Nelson was coaching a bunch of scrubs. He had freaking Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullin in their primes! And a pretty good rest of the roster as well. But just because they weren't expected to be good and they were, and Phil Jackson had Jordan, Don Nelson won Coach of the Year despite Phil Jackson meeting his expectations and winning a significantly higher number of games. Bullshit!

2. 1995: Lakers coach Del Harris won despite only being 6 games over 500 (48-34). He did a very good job considering he had a limited roster and no real big names. But did he really do that much of a better job than Bob Hill of the Spurs (62-20) and Jerry Sloan of the Jazz (60-22)? I don't think so! Sure they had David Robinson and Stockton/Malone, but winning 60 games in the NBA is impossible without a good coaching job night in and night out.

3. 2000: Doc Rivers won the award despite being 41-41 and MISSING the playoffs! To his credit, he had Darrell Armstrong as his best player. But does that deserve a Coach of the Year award? Nope! Meanwhile...Phil Jackson went 67-15 (AGAIN!) and lost the Coach of the Year award (AGAIN!)

Look...I am not saying the coach with the best record should win Coach of the Year ALL THE TIME. But they should win MORE OFTEN! It's a very hard thing to have the best record in the league. Especially when you are expected to be the best and the pressure is on you to be the best and anything else would be considered a failure. And guys like Phil Jackson, Greg Popovich, and Jerry Sloan have succeeded season after season in that pressure-packed environment. So they should be rewarded for it over some coach who has up and coming players with no pressure to win (Scott Brooks 2010).

Also, just because great coaches have great players, they shouldn't be overlooked when it comes to this award. Phil had Jordan, Pippen, Shaq, and Kobe. Popovich had/has Robinson, Duncan, Parker and Ginobli. It's still DAMN HARD to BE EXPECTED to be THE BEST and then ACTUALLY BE THE BEST. No one has gotten more out of complete NUTJOBS than Phil Jackson and Greg Popovich. Guys like Dennis Rodman, Ron Artest, Robert Horry, and Stephen Jackson would be, and were NIGHTMARES under other coaches. Having them on your roster for an entire should be an achievement worthy enough for this award on its own!


NBA Most Valuable Player

Ok. This going to sound like I am a bitchy Laker fan. But it's not. Seriously. I mean...I am a bitchy Lakers fan in a general sense but not in this situation. Here is the thing about the Most Valuable Player Award. Sometimes they get it right. But too often they get it wrong. And by a HUGE margin. Here is an example:

Ask most hardcore NBA fans from a wide variety of ages to OBJECTIVELY make their all-time 15 player team. (12 active players and 3 injured reserves) Both Shaquille Oneal and Kobe Bryant would be on virtually every single person's team. Some would have them starting, most would have them on the bench, and few would have them on the IR. But they would be on the roster of almost every single person's all-time team. At the same token, Steve Nash would NOT be on most people's teams. And for the few people that would put him on there, he might make their IR or low bench at best! Laker fan or not, we all all agree that most people would have either Kobe Bryant or Shaquille Oneal in their prime over Steve Nash in his prime. Each of them is a better over-all player, better inherent talent, and has had a better career. But when it is all said and done, here is a fact for you:

FACT: Steve Nash has won two MVPs. This is the same amount of MVPs that both Shaquille Oneal and Kobe Bryant have won COMBINED!!! (1 each)

The year Steve Nash won his second MVP (2006...I think), Kobe Bryant should have been the MVP. He was by far the best player in the league, and he lead a very very very TERRIBLE Lakers team (Immature Lamar Odom, Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm, and Smush Parker were his best teammates) to the playoffs single-handedly!!! He averaged 30+ 5 and 5!!!

I don't want to keep going on and on about Kobe Bryant. Because this is not about me being a Lakers fan. But this example is part of a bigger issue. Here is heart of this entire article (I know...it took a while for me to get to it.)


The NBA Awards voters do not always vote for the most deserving player.

NBA voters get way too excited about a story. Take a look at Steve Nash's MVPs. He was a decent PG for most of his careers. A very good player. A border-line all-star. But NOT an MVP caliber player. Then all of a sudden he goes to Phoenix, doubles his assists average, and becomes the heart and best player of a new fast-paced high energy/high scoring Suns offense. What a great story...especially for a white guy! The voters become enamored with the story and they give him the MVP. Had Steve Nash done that for his entire career, he would have never won an MVP. (Because that's exactly what John Stockton did.) Look at Steve Nash's numbers in those 2 MVP seasons. Guys like John Stockton and Isiah Thomas did that pretty much their entire careers. AND they played defense! But they never had a mid-career jump like Nash and therefore no MVPs! Don't believe me?

Here are the numbers:

Steve Nash
MVP Season 1: 15.5 points/ 3.3 rebounds/ 11.5 assists/ 1 steals/ 3.3 turnovers/ 50% FG/ 43% 3pt/ 89% FT
MVP Season 2: 18.8 points/ 4.2 rebounds/ 10.5 assists/ 0.8 steals/ 3.5 turnovers/ 51% FG/ 44% 3pt/ 92% FT


John Stockton
His best Season and pretty much an average season for his career (Came in 9th in the MVP voting!): 17.2 points/ 2.6 rebounds/ 14.5 assists/ 2.7 steals/ 3.5 turnovers/ 51% FG/ 42% 3pt/ 82% FT

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? COMPARE THOSE FUCKING NUMBERS! Both players had the same type of success in terms of winning so that cancels out! Now I do understand Stockton was playing in an era where there were many more great players. But still...if he was an average PG his whole career and then all of a sudden started putting up the numbers I showed, he would have won the MVP too. But he did that shit EVERY year. Everybody was used to it. So there no STORY there. That's why he didn't MVP and Nash did!

You can say the same thing about Allen Iverson's MVP over Shaq in 2001. Shaq was the TRUE MVP pretty much every year from 1998 to 2004. But Iverson finally had a winning season in 2001 and it became a story. Shaq was his usual dominant self and there was no story there. So Iverson wins MVP.

The same thing happened the year before last with Derrick Rose. Lebron James should have won that MVP. But he was part of a NEGATIVE story in the whole Miami fiasco. And Rose was part of a GOOD story that the voters and media became enamored with. As much as I hate Lebron James, he should have won Rose's MVP. I mean just look at the numbers. And the winning. (In the regular season)

The All-NBA teams are subject to this media biased as well. In 2004-2005, Kobe Bryant averaged 35 5 and 5. Are you fucking kidding me? That was his best statistical year. And the dude was on the 3rd Team All-NBA!!! Are you trying to tell me that he was not one of the best 10 players that season??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT! He was part of a negative story line with the whole Shaq and ball-hog thing and therefore, he was not voted on the All-NBA team. I mean with those crazy numbers you HAVE to put a player on AT LEAST the 2nd team. Kevin Love made the second team this year with crazy numbers and even LESS wins than Kobe in 2005. But since Love was not part of a negative story line, the voters had no problem giving him the 2nd team.

The same thing with the All-Defensive team award. BEFORE the whole Shaq debacle in 2005, Kobe Bryant was named to the All-Defensive team (or 2nd team) the previous 5 years in a row. AFTER the whole Shaq debacle in 2005, Kobe Bryant has been named on there the next/last 7 All-D (or 2nd) teams including 2011-2012. But in 2005? Nothing! So are you trying to tell me that in that one year Kobe Bryant's defense was not as good as the previous 5 or the next 7 years? That's a bunch of donkey jizz! How fucking bogus is that? Just because he was part of the negative story line the voters didn't vote for him. It had nothing to with defensive ability!

There are so many more example of this! It's just that I am a Laker fan so for the most part I know about/remember the examples that involve Laker players...so I ended up writing about those. It has nothing to do with me bitching about giving awards to Laker players. If you are smart and objective, you will see that...and you will also see that I am right! It's just a shame that NBA voters become too enamored with media story lines instead of voting based on pure basketball reasons. I would love to write about other examples but this is already turning into a huge article that I think only sports nerds like me will end up reading till the end. So if you want to nerd it out about this topic discuss/argue/share some of these examples, or if you have your own, you know where to hit me up!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. I totally forgot about this until a friend pointed it out. Wrap your minds around this piece of turd: Tyson Chandler won the Defensive Player of the Year in 2012 yet failed to make the 1st All-NBA Defensive Team. (He made the 2nd team) Just think about that for a second. This is what you get when you have some awards being determined by the media and other awards being determined by coaches. But most importantly, this is what you get when you have a bogus league!

The Diabetes Awards Part 1: Comedy

Ladies and gentlemen...welcome to the first ever Diabetes Awards! Without wasting any time, here is a quick explanation...

If you know me, you know I am fat...just a little...or a lot...it's all relative...I'm somewhere between Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken...Ok who am I kidding? I am a lot closer to Ruben Studdard than I am to Clay Aiken. Anyways, if you know me, you also know that I love watching TV shows...mostly on my laptop. And if you know anything about the psychology behind bad eating habits, you know that you shouldn't eat while watching TV because you associate the pleasure from TV, with the food. As a result, every time you watch something, it makes you want to have food even when you are not hungry, and when you do eat, you eat more, even when you are full. That is my problem. I might start watching a TV show like Game of Thrones on my laptop at like 10PM after dinner and because of my bad habits, I end up going downstairs and grabbing some grub because my fatass can't just enjoy the show on its own. So I would say about 75% of the blame behind my weight problem can be attributed to this psychological behavior...and therefore, eventually...when I get older...TV shows will be the single biggest reason why I will have developed diabetes and heart disease in my 30's. Hence, we have the Diabetes Awards! In part 1, we will look at the Comedy Category.

Award for the Funniest Moment of All-Time on Television

This is a very special award. There are two scenes that I immediately thought about when I considered this award. And I couldn't decide! So it's a tie!

Winner 1: Dr. Spaceman Treats Diabetes on 30 Rock - I couldn't find a clip of this on Youtube so I downloaded the episode, cut it, and tried posting it. But some bullshit about licensing and copyrights didn't let me. So I had to put the file on my public Dropbox. Download it and watch it! The Doctor's stupidity is fucking hilarious!

Winner 2: Reno 911 Cat Rescue - I was genuinely shocked and literally laughed myself to near-death when I first saw this on TV. It was fucking hilarious! HAHAHAHA

The "Fuckin' Hilarious" Award for the Funniest TV Show of All-Time:

There are a lot of funny shows out there. Most comedies, even the bad ones, have a few hilarious moments sprinkled in here and there. For example, the first season of The Office is as funny as any of the nominees for this award. 30 Rock probably has more subtle laughs sprinkled in every single sentence of its script than any other show. But both shows are not as funny now as they were in the beginning. The nominees are exactly what the name of the award suggests: fucking hilarious and fucking hilarious all or most of the time. Modern family probably belongs on this list. But it is more of a family comedy...very clean. Even though I love it and I think it is fucking hilarious, unlike the nominees for this award, watching it once would be good enough for most people. It doesn't make its fans want to watch the same episodes over and over again the way the following shows do. There were 6 nominees for this award.

6th place - Reno 911

Total Seasons: 6 (88 episodes)
Channel: Comedy Central
Still on? No
Short summary: It's about stupid cops in Reno doing stupid shit.





Most people might not know the existence of this show. (They probably know the movie.) That's probably why it eventually got canceled on Comedy Central. But it was fucking hilarious.

5th place - Party Down

Total Seasons: 2 (20 episodes)
Channel: Starz Network
Still on? No
Short summary: It's about out-of-work actors working at a catering service until they hopefully land a good acting gig and become famous.



Another hidden gem. You probably haven't heard of this show. It was on the Starz network, which most people, including myself, don't get. But you can download it. It only lasted 2 seasons, but it was funny as fuck.

4th place - Seinfeld

Total Seasons: 9 (180 episodes)
Channel: NBC
Still on? No
Short summary: It's a show about nothing! (If you know the show, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, watch it!)



This one is definitely not underground. If you don't know about this show, you are either less than 20 years old, or have been living under a rock during the 90's. This show was hilarious. I don't know how the hell it lost all those Emmys to Frazier. That's a joke. Seinfeld was genius at work. It was more of a subtle form of comedy. It made you smirk and giggle more than it made you laugh out loud. (Although it had its LOL moments as well.) But unlike most other comedies, Seinfeld made you think! Not like "playing chess" think, but it made you think in a funny way. You became a funnier person just by watching it. And the person who co-created it, Larry David, is a fucking genius. Straight up. Like Einstein. It's amazing that he has another show on this list.

3rd place - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Total Seasons: 7 (84 episodes)
Channel: FX
Still on? Yes
Short summary: It's about a bunch of idiot-morons who own a bar in Philadelphia. 



This show is the definition of ridiculous and laugh out loud funny. What's great about "the gang" is that they have no limits. They will make fun of anything and everything. Homelessness, abortion, race, sexuality, it doesn't matter. They will even throw a baby in the dumpster!


2nd place - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Total Seasons: 8 (80 episodes)
Channel: HBO
Still on? Yes...hopefully
Short summary: Larry David is a social nightmare! Sometimes he helps other people...sometimes he's selfish...but either way, you can bet he will get himself into a socially awkward situation.

This man is my fucking hero. Seriously. I plan on writing an entire article on him in the future. If I ever have the great fortune of seeing this genius in person, I am going to gush like a 12 year old girl who saw Justin Bieber. Then I am going to blow him and worship at his feet.

1st place and the winner of the "Fuckin' Hilarious" Award - Arrested Development

Total Seasons: 3 (53 episodes)

Channel: Fox
Still on? No...it's a fucking shame and travesty
Short summary: It's about an Orange County rich white family who breaks a bunch of corporate laws, becomes broke, and tries to keep up their lavish lifestyle, while the only sane family member tries to fix the family business and keep them under control.




I have seen every single episode of this entire show over and over again at least 4 times. Each time I watch it, I find some funny shit that I didn't see before. This show is not only the funniest comedy of all time, but it is one of the greatest TV shows of all-time in general. It has every element of a comedy. Genius, laugh out loud, subtle comedy, ridiculousness, potty humor, funny lines, sarcasm, background humor, etc, etc, etc. You HAVE to watch this show! I don't know what the fuck America was doing when this show was on the air. It received awesome reviews from the critics but the retarded American public was too busy watching reality TV. The fact that this show got canceled due to low ratings is a bigger tragedy than the Holocaust. It's no surprise that Arrested Development has a huge cult following even 6 years after it being off the air. And they are making a new season on Netflix and ending it with a movie! I am looking forward to this event more than I have looked forward to any event of my life, including any graduation, starting a career, my first paycheck, any vacation, moving to America, and my wedding.

The "Homer Simpson" Award for the Funniest Character of All Time:

It is self-explanatory why this award has been named after Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson is the original funny man. Even though he is animated, he was the first ridiculous moron that we all came to know and love. So let's look at the candidates for the funniest character of all time. Because there are so many candidates, I am just going to show pictures. And then I will announce the winner. 

Andy Dwyer - Parks and Recreations

Gob Bluth - Arrested Development

Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock

Charlie Kelly - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Jim Dangle - Reno 911

Cosmo Kramer - Seinfeld

Frank Reynolds - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

George Costanza - Seinfeld

Dr. Spaceman - 30 Rock

Dwight Shrute - The Office

Leon Black - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Michael Scott - The Office

Peter Griffin - Family Guy

Stewie Griffin - Family Guy

And the winner of the "Homer Simpson" Award for the Funniest TV Character of All-Time is...

Tobias Funke - Arrested Development

This guy is motherfuckin' hilarious!!! David Cross should have won multiple Emmys for playing Dr. Tobias Funke on Arrested Development. Just watch these videos:

And with that, we conclude Part 1 of the Diabetes Awards! If you haven't seen these shows, watch them! It will cheer you up from your sad depressing pathetic sorry excuse for a life. If you have depression, read my other article, and then watch some of these shows...and stay tuned for Part 2!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Bullshit Radar Part 2 - Mental Health

In case you missed it, or you need a refresher on what exactly the Bullshit Radar is, here is part 1. Let's just jump right into it. I think the whole mental health field is a bunch of bullshit. And that, would be what you would call an understatement. Let's break this bitch down.

Here is a message for all of you out there in the world that claim you are suffering from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, ADD, ADHD, and all of the other bullshit mental disorders that are being over-diagnosed out there. (Only extreme cases of psychosis are the true mental disorders. The REAL crazy people. The straight jacket type.) We have become a society full of pussies. There. I said it. It had to be said and I just did. So deal with it. Everyone claiming to be suffering from this shit needs to man the fuck up. Nut up. Sack up. Shut up. Whatever you want to say and however you want to say it, the message is clear. All of your bullshit made-up pussy disorders are setting off my Bullshit Radar. 

Depression? Really? Let's take every single person in this country who is diagnosed with clinical depression. Out of that group, let me talk directly to about 70% of you: What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? Seriously. You live in the best country on the planet. There are so many fucking resources spent in this country for the production of entertainment. There are countless TV shows, movies, theaters, clubs, strip clubs, casinos, malls, arcades, video games, playgrounds, recreation centers, camping grounds, hiking trails, whorehouses, swimming pools, beaches, fields, sports games, bars, pool halls, bowling alleys, golf courses, websites, restaurants, extreme activities, amusement parks, theme parks, ski resorts, spas, hotels, comedy clubs, and once again...strip clubs. SO CHEER UP AND MAKE USE OF THOSE THINGS! Because if you can afford to go see a doctor for some bullshit reason like depression, chances are, you can damn sure afford to have some fun! Here is another tip. Whatever is bothering you...whatever is making you depressed...don't think about it. It's pretty simple. Because chances are that whatever it is, it's probably not a real problem. It's probably some silly shit like your dad bought you a forty thousand dollar car instead of a sixty thousand dollar car. There is NOTHING depressing enough in the world that can happen that would cause you to have a so called "clinical" disorder...at least not permanently.

Now, as for the 30% of you that actually DO have something to be depressed about such as being fired, being cheated on, or having a loved one die in a horrible way...you STILL don't have a reason to be LIFELONG depressed. Here is the advice for you. Take a day. Take two. Or even a week. A month. Don't pussy out and go to the doctor with a sad face and ask for antidepressants. Take that time and drown your sorrows in whatever way suits you best. Alcohol, women, gambling, drugs, whatever. But only for that time. THEN GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! As for me personally, I can see myself drowning my sorrows in all of the above in one epic night by getting drunk with whores while gambling and being high on drugs...like a real man. But after that night, I would go on with my life...without antidepressants...like a real man...because your so called depression doesn't really exist. It's all in your head and all you have to do is change the way you think.

I also have a message for those of you suffering from your so called anxiety disorders. Bullshit!!! Here is an idea. Instead of wasting time on a psychologist/psychiatrist/medications, how about you just take whatever it is that is making you anxious, and don't let it make you anxious. Just don't let it bother you. It's that simple. I don't understand why people just can't let whatever it is that is bothering them, not bother them. I do it all the time. Do you really think I like being at work when the pharmacy gets CRAZY busy and chaotic? Do you see me melting down and having a panic attack and being all anxious like a pussy? I had all the reason to do that this past week when a patient passed out on me after I gave him a shot. But NO! I didn't! I was calm. Because I just tell myself that I am not going to let it bother me...like a fucking man.

The same goes for all of these kids running around on Adderall and Ritalin. They don't fucking have a disease. They are just stupid. Nowadays a kid can't just be stupid any more. He has to have some kind of diagnosis for his stupidity. ADD and ADHD are bullshit! They don't exist. At least not in the massive numbers that we diagnose them at. Your kid just needs slap on the ass and a good pep talk. Stop filling his mouth with drugs. And you know what is the main factor in why kids are stupid? I'll give you three guesses. If you don't get it in three guesses, you either are one of them or you have a set of them. That's right...stupid parents and their stupid parenting.

All this pussying out by today's society and coming with bullshit excuses for being sad and miserable has created a whole new bullshit "medical" field. It is called psychology. Most of these so called health professionals don't know shit. They are talking out of their asses just like the diamond salesmen I talked about in part 1. The only thing they are useful for is listening. Human beings just feel better when they vent. When they can talk to someone who would listen. They just need a shoulder to cry on. And guess what? You can do that shit for free with people you know. You don't need to pay a stranger a hundred bucks an hour to do that shit and then have them spit some bullshit out of their mouths.

This might have been my most offensive article. Even more offensive than when I proposed that children dieing might not be such a terrible thing. If you feel offended. I am sorry. Truly. But that doesn't make me wrong. So don't even think about being more depressed. Be angry. Anger is good. (Maybe not good but better than being sad all the time.) Take it out on me. If it would make you a more tougher human being and less of a sad sack of shit, then I will be happy to take one for the team and be your metaphorical or even literal punching bag. I would much rather have an anger problem than depression or anxiety. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE"!!! Even if there was a chemical imbalance, you can just do the shit I told you and get over it. So throw out your Ativan, Ritalin, Adderall, and Xanax. Actually, wait a second...don't throw it out. Just give it to me...I'll "dispose" it in the proper manner if you know what I mean...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Bullshit Radar: Part 1 - Cars and Diamonds

Here is a summary of life: You are born. You grow up. You die. In between those things, you learn stuff and gain knowledge about the world. It's amazing how much you have still to learn about the world when you are a child. Thousands of hard drives can be filled by the sheer amount of how much more knowledge an adult knows compared to a child. There are certain things that you can only learn by experience when you grow up and do adult things. The Bullshit Radar is one of those things. (I am capitalizing the term Bullshit Radar in hopes that it becomes some kind of official concept/thing.) Let me explain.

Humans are not born with the ability to recognize bullshit. A baby's bullshit perception is nonexistent. They will believe anything. When you play 'got your nose' with them, they truly believe you are in possession of their nose in your hand. You can even have wild sex in front of a baby and they would have no idea what the hell is going on. It would be pretty much like having sex in front of a retarded monkey in a coma. Then somewhere around the age of 3-4, they start developing some sort of a primitive Bullshit Radar. At that point, they are too old to play 'got your nose' because they can smell your bullshit coming from a mile away. But their Radars are nowhere close to being fully functional. So they still fall for your bullshit lies like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. They even believe the Boogeyman will come and get them if they don't tuck into bed and go to sleep. Then around 9-10 years of age, the Bullshit Radar starts maturing. They can detect the Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy bullshit but they still don't have the ability to understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. They will believe you when you tell them that mommy and daddy are just playing a game to see who can shout louder. If they walk in on you banging, they will believe you when you say daddy and mommy are just wrestling. Then they grow up and become teenagers. Now their Bullshit Radar is going off all over the place. They can sense all kinds of bullshit coming from adults, including their parents, teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors.

So how does someone develop their Bullshit Radar? One word. Experience! A baby eventually realizes you cannot physically remove their nose. Bullshit detected! One year the kids catch you putting gifts under the tree or money under the blanket. Bullshit detected! A teenager finally realizes all those "shouting matches" now make sense after the parents got a divorce. Bullshit detected! With experience, you learn to detect bullshit. The Bullshit Radar becomes fully functional when you finally grow up, make a living for yourself, and go through adult experiences...And with that lengthy but necessary set up intro...I am finally proud to declare that my Bullshit Radar is fully operational!

The car and diamond businesses are two of the most obvious and well known adult experiences that will set off people's Bullshit Radars. But you cannot REALLY know how much bullshit is spewed in these industries until you experience it first hand. Having recently bought a Benz and a diamond ring, I can tell you 99% of what you hear is 100% genuine grade-A bullshit! Diamonds are priced based on clarity, color, cut, spots, etc. Give me a fucking break! Nobody knows shit. The salesman will show you on a microscope that one diamond has some spots or better clarity than another diamond. You can't tell shit! They all look the same. And let's just say that they are right. Even if there really was a difference, if you need a motherfucking microscope to find flaws in a diamond then what the hell does it matter? Nobody is going to fucking walk around with a microscope to show people how flawless their diamond is. All that matters is how they look to the naked eye...and to the naked eye, they all look the same! It's all a bunch of crap to make you spend money. I can take a fancy and shiny piece of glass, put in fancy packaging, fabricate a receipt for ten thousand dollars, and give it to 99% of the girls out there and they wouldn't know shit. Even the so-called experts can't REALLY tell the true value of a diamond without looking at how they paid for it themselves.

Worst than the diamond salesman is the car salesman. A diamond salesman lies to himself when he thinks he knows what he's talking about. But a car salesman lies to YOU. Straight up. I had a salesman tell me he was making literally $60 profit on a Range Rover at the price he was offering me and he could not negotiate even dollar further. I walked out. A week later he called me saying he had lowered the price by thousand dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? So you are telling me now you are going to lose $940 on that car? Get the fuck out of here! I ended up buying a different car somewhere else, but I guarantee you if I go back after another month the price would be lowered another two thousand dollars and they would still be making at least four thousand dollars profit on it. (Actually, just out of curiosity I looked up their price right now and guess what? LOWERED ANOTHER $700! Excuse me for a second while I turn off the alarm on my Bullshit Radar.)

There are so many other things that set off my Bullshit Radar. Some of those things I do not want to share on here because it would offend and upset some of my closest friends. Let's just say...it's complicated. What I REALLY wanted to talk about was the bullshit concept of "Mental Health." When I thought about writing this article, I figured I would start off by writing about the car and diamond examples in the introduction and then move on to mental health, which would be the meat of what the article was really about. But that's just the thing about bullshit...there is so much of it in the world! This article would have become way too long. So I had to split it into a 2-parter (or possibly more). Stay tuned for part 2, where I guarantee the majority of you will be offended/upset/angry after reading it.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

ENGLISH GODDAMNIT!!!

Remember in high school when you started every essay you wrote with a quote from a famous person? Well...here it goes...

"Any concept of one person being superior to another can lead to racism."
-Walter Lang
"As much as everyone wants to downplay racism, it exists."
-Steve Mitchell
“Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
- Muhammad Ali
"Everyone says they are not a racist...until their daughter brings home a big black dude..."
- Mukesh Patel

I don't know about you, but to me, that last guy sounds the wisest. There seems to be a dose of reality and honesty in his quote. Here is my point: While you are reading this article...or after you are done reading it, there may be many points where you may think I am a racist. At that point, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember the last quote. You see my friends...racism in this country has become one of those things that we have overcompensated on. Just like with feminism, child safety, flight security, freedom of choice, environmentalism, and mental health, we have gone overboard. I understand the sensitive nature of racism in this country due to events that happened in the past. But in order to compensate, we have become way too race sensitive...and as a result, we have ignored obvious and harsh truths due to our fear of being "racist." This article is about one of those obvious and harsh truths. Fortunately for the good of society, I have the balls to say it! And with that preamble...let the "racist" cursing rant begin...

PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY NEED TO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying "When in Rome do as the Romans do."? That saying was not created just so that people would explore new cultures and try new things. It also means WHEN YOU LIVE IN A PARTICULAR COUNTRY...AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREEDOMS AND BENEFITS PROVIDED BY THAT COUNTRY...HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT AND A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THAT COUNTRY. YOU OWE AT LEAST THAT MUCH TO THAT COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EXPECT TO BE A FUNCTIONING CITIZEN AND MEMBER OF SOCIETY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NATION'S FUCKING LANGUAGE?

I think EVERYONE coming into this country regardless of race should be required to know how to speak English...at least at a very basic level. But we all know there is a certain ethnicity of people that come from a certain direction on the globe (SOUTH) that is the most guilty of this crime of ignorance. If I were to actually say it, people would call me racist. Even though we all know it is 1000% true. Fuck it...I'll say it anyways. MEXICANS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE IN FUCKING AMERICA NOW! NOT MEXICO! Although I understand some parts of Santa Ana, Inland Empire, and the Valley have now become indistinguishable from your typical Mexican town, nevertheless, they are still in the fucking United fucking States of fucking America!!!!!

I cannot begin to count how many fucking times I answer the phone at work or greet a customer and the first words I hear are, "Habla Espanol?" NO I DON'T FUCKING HABLA ESPANOL. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA. SO IF YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU, GO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! Don't get me wrong. I am not white. I am Indian. So in terms of race, I probably have a lot more in common with the Mexicans than I do with white people. I even have a great appreciation for Mexican culture. (Especially the food and booze.) Even though I spent 8 years in India without knowing about the existence of Mexico, a majority of the calories I have consumed in my life have probably come from Mexican food and its derivatives. But this is not an issue of culture or race or language superiority. It is a question of a sense of responsibility and respect for your country/society of residence. If I was in living in Mexico and some gringo redneck started talking to me in English, I would say the something to him and expect him to learn Spanish.

How the hell can someone come to this country and never fucking learn English? How the fuck do they function independently? I understand the fact that there is a growing Hispanic population and they are even starting to become the majority in some places. But English is still the unofficial official language of this country. The majority of the country still speaks English and will continue to speak it for a long time. All of the road signs are in English. Most of the functions carried out in daily life are carried out in English. Most forms that we have to fill out in this country are only available in English. With all of this...it's sad that English is not even a priority of most Hispanic immigrants in this country.

I understand that these immigrants have to worry about basic necessities like jobs and food and homes. But what is more basic than language? Don't you think they would have an easier time finding all of those things if they spoke English? Look...no one is asking these people to become Rhodes scholars. BUT AT LEAST MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT PEOPLE! Just a basic understanding of English that doesn't require them to start every conversation with the words "Habla Espanol?" would be sufficient. My family and I are also immigrants. We didn't know a lick of English when we came here. FORTUNATELY FOR ME...UNLIKE MOST HISPANICS...I GAVE A CRAP IN SCHOOL. So I learned English...probably better than most white people that were born here. As for my parents? Well...they aren't going to win a Pulitzer Prize any time soon. But you know what? They know enough English that they can interact successfully with other people without asking them if they speak Gujarati or Hindi. It's called EFFORT! C'mon Mexicans...at least make a fucking effort to learn/speak the language of the country you tried so hard coming to.

The forefathers of this country did a great job creating our government. It was probably one of the greatest creations of mankind. But unfortunately, they did not anticipate (and there is no way they could have) the language problem this country would have in the future. They should have written a law that restricted freedom of language. Anyone and everyone should be free to speak whatever language they want...as long as they know how to speak English too. I want to preserve my mother tongue. I will teach my kids the language of my homeland. I will make sure they speak it in the house. But you know what? Outside the walls of my house, if they want to be functioning members of society, they will need to learn English. Immigrants of ALL races need to realize this fact.

Even though I have this belief, being a medical professional, I am in a sticky situation. I expect my patients to speak English but if they do not, I cannot deny them my medical advice just because they don't speak the same language as me. (I should be able to deny them this but I have to follow some bullshit concept known as ethics. What a load of crap...) So since these people won't learn fucking English, me being a professional and all...I should be the bigger person and learn fucking Spanish. So after all of this ranting and raving about learning English...I admit it...I am pussying out and downloading a bootlegged copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish and learning Spanish probably as you are reading this. But you know what? Even when I DO learn Spanish...I am not going to use it. You know why? Take a guess...That's right...BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA GODDAMNIT!!!!!