Friday, March 9, 2012

The 2011-12 Lakers Midseason ParentTeacher Conference Part 2 (The Players)

This article had to be a bit delayed a few days to make room for our special guest blogger. But forget about children being raped and murdered in Africa, let's talk about what we REALLY care about...The Lakers:

Thanks for joining me once again in evaluating our/your beloved/hated Lakers. In case you missed it or you forgot how this whole Parent Teacher Conference thing works...Here is Part 1. Before we begin, here are a few wise words. So I watched the first half of the Lakers/Heat game on Sunday and I was at a loss for words. That is never a good thing for someone who wants to be a writer. Why was I so confused? I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the hell the Lakers were winning against the Heat. Not only were the Lakers winning but at times looked like they were dominating. For a second there, I thought I had seen the team's best performance of the season. Then, all of a sudden, I had a shocking revelation, which was so glaring and obvious, I can't believe I overlooked it: Where the fuck is Chris Bosh? My bubble was burst. Now everything made a lot more sense. In the two meetings like year, Bosh averaged 24 and 10 against the Lakers and was a HUGE reason why Miami won both times. Without Bosh, Miami's frontline couldn't score with a wad full of American dollars in a room full of Mexican hookers. Without Bosh, they are so bad they wouldn't be able to put the ball through the hoop even if the military helped them by attaching smart bomb technology to the ball with precise coordinates to the basket. Without Bosh, it puts way too much pressure on both of their perimeter stars to score each and every single time down the court. And most importantly, without Bosh, Gasol and Bynum don't have to guard the other big men which allows them to help out in the interior against the driving Lebron and Wade. I hate Chris Bosh. I think he is an overrated pussy. (Very similar to my feelings towards Vince Carter) But Bosh kills the Lakers. So don't expect me to praise the Lakers for beating Miami without him. They did what they were supposed to do. Let's not proclaim them championship favorites just yet...[And now that they have lost to Detroit and Washington there is no danger of that. The losses just prove my point even further.]

And with that great positive start, let's bring in our students:

Student: Kobe Bryant - Parent: Joe "Jellybean" Bryant

Teacher: "Welcome Jellybean. First of all, let me just say that I don't care one bit about you or your son outside of the basketball court. And it's not because I think that's none of my business. It's because if I did care about Kobe outside of the court, I wouldn't like him. Both of you are sorry excuses for human beings. I mean seriously. Rape charges, adultery, divorce, family fighting, no speaking between parents and kids for years...what the hell is wrong with you guys? Were you so freaking busy playing and teaching basketball to your son that you forgot to teach him how to be a decent human being?"

Kobe: [He has that angry beaver look on his face that he gets when he's on fire] "Hey man...I thought we were here to discuss my performance this season."

Teacher: "Yes you are right Kobe. Sorry for being side tracked. I will save all of the non-basketball issues for a future article. Jellybean, I have mixed reports regarding your son's play. First of all, the dude is a freak of nature. I don't know how the hell he plays with all of these injuries. His body is more beat up than a Giants fan at a Dodger game. He has taken a bigger pounding than a white guy's ass in a state prison shower. He has taken more hits over his career than a black guy trying to eat out in Alabama. But somehow the dude shrugs it off. I had no doubt in my mind that he would play even after a broken nose and a concussion at the All-star game. Considering how serious everyone takes concussions now a days, it is hard for any player not to miss time after a head injury. But that rule applies to everyone except Kobe. Even if you think he is selfish or a ball hog or whatever, you have to respect the fact that the dude has every excuse to take a day off but he suits up and goes out there and plays through the pain. The same cannot be said for other players. For example, look at this report from the 2007-08 season. Read the first sentence of the 4th paragraph. Would that even be a question with someone like Kobe Bryant?"

Jellybean: [With a smug pompous look on his face, now we know where Kobe gets it from] "Yes. All of that is the result of good genes. My son is getting older. He has logged an extremely high number of minutes. But somehow, that has not slowed him down this season. He is still averaging his usual 25plus 5 and 5. No one has been this good at this age."

Teacher: "All of that is correct Jellybean. But don't get full of yourself Kobe. I have some criticism as well. First of all, you are not shooting the ball well. In fact, you are shooting at an all time low. 43 percent field goals? You are starting to approach Iverson territory. And the 3 point line? Forget about it! I mean your are less accurate from 3 than me when I try to piss after pleasuring myself. That shit hits everywhere except the toilet bowl. You are still great for your age, but you do have limitations."

Jellybean: "Ok Teacher, so what does my son need to do to correct this? I may hate his guts, but after all he is my son. I do want him to succeed."

Teacher: "I am glad you asked me that Jellybean. I have some homework for you Kobe. Please work on these things." [The teacher hands over a sheet of paper to Kobe] It reads:

1. Take better shots! There is no need take falling fadeaways over 2 defenders or try to force a runner in the lane. Remember what Phil told what comes naturally in the course of the game.

2. PASS THE BALL! You have two of the most skilled big men in the league. Both of them are great interior scorers. Use them more often. It will open up your game and you will get better looks. Also, I understand that this is a tough thing for you to do considering everyone outside your top 3 pretty much sucks. But still, just try it once. Hit Fisher or Murphy for that wide open 3 instead of forcing up a bad shot. See what happens. 

3. If it's Meta World Peace, then DO NOT PASS THE BALL! I will talk to Meta about this later.

4. Practice 3 pointers. You are supposed to get better at 3's when you age. Not worse. With your age, you need a weapon. You should develop yourself into an accurate long range shooter...not a volume one. Also practice catching and shooting like Ray Allen does. That way, you can score without doing all of the pre-work with the ball. It will expand your game and help you break that scoring record.

5. Understand your limits. You cannot elevate or blow by guys like you used to. So stop trying. It's embarrassing not just for you but all of your fans when you get your pocket picked by a no name player or you get your shot blocked by the third string center. Play within your limits. 

Teacher: "Lastly Kobe, I just want to leave you with this final advice. I understand that you are trying to go for the records. Anyone with even a half decent brain can see that you are throwing up shots because you realize you are now limited and you lost time with the lockout, so you need to make up those points. A monkey can see that. I am not saying you are not trying to win. I am not saying that what you are doing is wrong. Do it all you want. If you are that great and talented, then why not go for the scoring record? Or least try to pass Jordan. But remember this. There will come a point in this season, where scoring and winning will not be the same thing. They may even be the opposite. There will come a point where you will have to decide what the right thing is in order for you to win a playoff game/series. And when that point comes, I hope you remember the most important stat of all: 6 is more than 5. Hopefully, you will do the right thing when it counts. Whatever that "right thing"'s up to you to figure out."

Student: Pau Gasol - Parent: Marisa Gasol, MD (Absent due to unknown reasons)

Teacher: "Hello Pau. I don't really know anything about your parents. Everything I know about your family comes from your Wikipedia page. All I know is that your mother is/was a medical doctor. I don't even know if your parents are dead or alive. I am assuming that unlike some of your black teammates, you had a normal childhood with both of your biological parents present and sober for most of it. But who cares? The Laker fans are more concerned about your girlfriend, and whether or not she will keep you happy in the playoffs."

Pau: "Hey amigo, my dating life is great. And once again, I would like to put an end to all of the rumors circulating around the web. I am not gay! I may run funny or have feminine hand motions at times, but that's just how I am. I enjoy vagina...have you seen my girl? And I am also sick and tired of people criticizing me. They keep saying I am having a down year? I don't see it that way at all!"

Teacher: "I don't see it that way either Pau. I think you are having a normal year. People criticize you for not being on the All-star team but that is out of your hands. You are playing normally. As a matter of fact, I think you are playing exactly how you should be. Kobe should take a lesson from you. Andrew Bynum is having a career year so what do you do? You take less shots. You adjust your game to become more perimeter oriented to make room for Bynum's growth. You keep passing the ball to him and setting him up better than any Laker guard. You adjusted! As a result, your numbers are down. Do you think Kobe would be able to make all of those adjustments I mentioned? No way! Even with all the trade talk, you play hard, practice hard, and are a good teammate. Since your parents aren't here, I just want to make this short and sweet. Keep your head up Pau...Good job!"

Student: Andrew Bynum - Parent: Kareem Abdul Jabbar

Teacher: "Hello Kareem. I know that you are socially awkward. Many broadcasters would prefer lathering their balls with Bengay than to do an interview with you. People find you weird. That's why I am going to make this short. And besides, there is nothing bad I have to say about your former student Andrew Bynum anyways."

Kareem: [With a blank awkward look on his face] "Ok."

Teacher: "Ummmm...ok... So anyways...Bynum has been great! He is the second best center in the league. And probably one of the few REAL low post scorers in the game. His lowpost scoring repertuar is better than Dwight Howard's. It's just unfortunate that he can't use it as well against Dwight. For some reason, Dwight has Andrew's number. But besides him, there is no center in the league that can stop Andrew Bynum. On the defensive end, he has FINALLY learned how not to pick up cheap fouls. I would aruge that in the past, foul trouble was just as big of a reason for Andrew's lack of playing time as injuries. He should be named to the All-NBA Second team as well as All-NBA Defensive Second team. If the Lakers can turn him into Dwight Howard...great! If not...I will gladly go to war with Andrew Bynum as my center any day of the week...especially in today's NBA."

Student: Meta World Peace (Absent due to being suspended from school) - Parent: ??? (Absent - Left him when he was a child...probably)

Teacher: "Even though Meta is not here, I do have a few words for him. Meta/Ron/Whatever the fuck your name is... you will always have a special place in Laker lore. Your game 7 performace against the Celtics will go down as the stuff of legends in Laker history. But now you suck beyond belief. We would like to trade you but nobody is willing to take you. We cannot cut you because right now we need bodies. But here are your options: PLEASE do one of the following:"

1. Die
2. Retire
3. Rape/murder someone (the order in which you do those doesn't matter) so that your contract can be voided and your salary can be taken off the books and it wouldn't count against the cap or tax
4. Get into shape and practice and become good again

Student: Luke Walton (Absent due to inujry) - Parent: Bill Walton (Absent due to injury)

Teacher: Luke...please see the advice I gave Meta World Peace. Your career has been sad and unfortunate...but stop collecting your paycheck without doing any work for it. You have screwed the Lakers out of millions. (Although I would be doing the same thing if I was him.)"

The rest

Teacher: "Since the state of California is in the toilet, budget cuts have left the school system pretty much broke. They are losing more money than Nick Cage. So we will have to cut back on our Parent Teacher conferences. But it's really not a big deal because nobody else is really worth talking about all that much. Derek Fisher has been Derek Fisher. Which is not good. But until the Lakers get a competent starting point gaurd somehow, he is our guy and he has done a lot for us. So can't really bash him. Barnes and Blake have been good. Not that good but they have been what they are supposed to be. And that is...solid role players. Which is not what they were last year. Goudelock has been a nice little surprise. A solid replacement for Shannon Brown. Let's hope he keeps it up and doesn't cave in the playoffs. The Laker's have a monster 1-2-3. As for the 4-12, they can use some help. They are old, slow, and not that good. But you know what? They just might be good enough. We'll see...So that's a wrap on the Laker talk for now. (Unless something crazy happens before the playoffs.) We will revisit this after the season..."

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

And just as I finish writing this...they lose to the second worst team in the NBA...fuck me...and just when I thought they couldn't have a worse loss, they lose again to the worse team in the NBA...fuck me twice...

No comments:

Post a Comment