Saturday, April 7, 2012

Time "Wasted" = Time Well Spent!

When I waltzed into work on Friday like I owned the freaking place they told me the schedule was changed and I wasn't supposed to start work until 2 hours later. I never got the memo. But hey! I ain't gonna complain. I hate working. It's just a good thing it was close to home. So what did I decide to do with this gift of TIME? (A gain of 2 hours and a loss of around $120) Like any normal cool hip young person...I decided to use this time to write...

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot recently about the concept of time. When I went to the LAKER (not clipper- I refuse to capitalize their name. They are a joke.) game on Wednesday , it was INSANE how quickly time goes by when you are watching the game in person as opposed to on TV. That tells you one thing. Our perception of time is dependent on so many variables, like our boredom level, our fatigue level, who we are with, what we are doing, what environment we are in, etc, etc ,etc. But none of those things define time. For example, when you are doing an activity you enjoy, whether it is playing cards, getting lap dances (or so I've heard), sports, watching movies, whatever your favorite thing may be...time goes by fast. 2 hours of doing those things may feel like 20 minutes. On the other hand, when you are sitting bored out of your ass in class at pharmacy school, 2 hours of that crap might feel like 6 hours. Does that mean the length of 2 hours changes when you are having fun as opposed to when you are bored? Of course not! 2 hours is 2 hours. But all of those variables I mentioned changes our perception of those 2 hours. What the hell does all this exactly mean? Who the hell knows? I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. And that is how to make best use of my time...

Everyone always says time is the most valuable thing in the world. Time is priceless. Time is money. Never waste time. Growing up I always heard this from adults when they thought I was "wasting" time by sitting around, watching TV, playing video games, sleeping, etc, etc etc... But the way I look at it, you should be doing all of those things precisely because time is so valuable. Time is so precious, why would you spend it by doing stuff that you don't enjoy? Time is so valuable, why not spend it doing things you enjoy? If I was a "smartass" as a child, that is what my response would have been to adults who told me not to waste time. But since I wasn't a brat kid who talked back, I am saying it now...

When it comes to the debate of how time should be spent, there are many different answers out there. But there is one definite and unquestionable fact that cannot be disputed. The greatest use of time is the time spent on the crapper...Some people feel at peace when they go to their place of worship. Whether it is sitting at mass in a church, sitting in front of sacred images at a temple, or kneeling down and praying at a mosque...many people out there say they are most happy when they are worshiping God. They say a wave of peacefulness rushes through them. I am not disputing this. I have experienced this to a certain degree as well. But to be perfectly honest with you, without any hint of sarcasm or being a smartass prick, I can honestly say that I feel the most amount of peace when I am at home taking a shit. And I know for a fact that there are many people out there who agree with me. 

Don't get me wrong...there is not much peace to be felt when I am trying to drop a megaton of deuce in 10 minutes at 7 in the morning running late for work. I am talking about the dumps that you actually have time to enjoy. Like on your day off or after you come home from work, and you take your phone or a book in the john and just chill. Personally, after finishing the Hunger Games trilogy on the crapper, I have been listening to podcasts while emptying my bowels. The combination of ridding your body of feces, the releasing of all that pressure, and sitting there alone with no one to bother you makes taking a dump an extremely blissful activity. So why not spend more time in the crapper? In high school I used to wake up extra early just so I could spend more time taking a shit. Did my parents think it was abnormal? Sure. Did they have serious concerns about my health and bowel habits? Absolutely. Was I often late to school just because of the simple fact that I hated to get off the toilet and go about my day? No comment. But you know what? It was all worth it! My family kept telling me it's not such a good thing to spend so much time taking a shit. They thought it was a waste of time. I still don't understand how something that makes you so happy and peaceful can be a waste of time. I mean that is the whole point of having enjoy it. If you think this is nasty or you don't agree with me...just try it first. Come back to me after you take at least a 30 minute dump and then tell me you didn't enjoy it...because you would be lying.

Enough about dumps. Let's move on to a less controversial and universally enjoyed use of time. Sleep! There is absolutely no one over the age of 12 that can disagree with me on this one. If you deserve to die! Seriously! Let me start off my point by saying that I feel extremely jealous of a certain group of people. I am not talking about skinny people or filthy rich people or white people. (Even though I am jealous of all of those people.) I am talking about those people who can fall asleep at will no matter what time it is or wherever the fuck they are. I am a pretty deep sleeper once I fall asleep but unless I am in my bed and it's nighttime, I cannot fall asleep worth shit. If I am outside my house, no sleep for me. If I am trying to take a nap in the daytime, no sleep for me. If I am on a plane or in a car, no sleep for me. So to all of you who can fall asleep no matter what/where/how/when...I have two things to say to you: 1) I want your powers. 2) Fuck you I am jealous.

As a kid I never wanted to sleep. Then somewhere around middle school all that changed. I fucking value sleep so much, I would probably let a python strangle my future pregnant wife and unborn child if it meant getting a couple of hours of extra sleep. (Am I exaggerating? I guess you will just have to drop a python in my house in a few years and find out...) Sleep is great but even better is the time right after you wake up and you don't have shit to do so you go into that half-sleep/half-awake zone. That is the best use of time. I usually wake up around 8 or 9  no matter what time I go to sleep. But I don't actually get up until around 11. (On my days off of course.) Those 2-3 hours of being in that half-asleep zone is true bliss. You all know what I am talking about so don't even think about disagreeing with me on this one.

There are so many other things I can list on here that are such great uses of time, yet they would be considered a waste of time by society. It's ironic that two of the must basic human activities, shitting and sleeping, are on top of that list. The third one that belongs with them is eating. But no need to write about that one. I have already done that. And probably will again in the future. So next time someone tells you to stop wasting time when you are doing something that you enjoy, ignore them! Because the whole point of time is to enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, why live?

P.S. Never ever bother anyone that is taking a dump. The creative process is at its best when someone is shitting. They might be in there coming up with the next great invention so think twice before you knock on the bathroom door and yell at them to get out. How else do you think this awesome blog started?

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing

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