Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Put a Smile on that Face: Top 5 Biggest Little Pleasures in Life

My mom returned from India today. Why was she in the motherland? Shopping! For the wedding! I might as well have wiped my ass with hundred dollar bills and flushed them down the toilet because that would've been a better use for the money. So after dinner she opened the treasure chest and showed me an array of fancy clothing and jewelery. My wedding stuff, her wedding stuff, my parents wedding stuff, all the gifts for various relatives, etc... This included some fancy shoes, diamonds, shiny gold things, and clothes with silver lining (literally the element of silver not just the color). Are all of these things valuable? Sure. If by "valuable" you mean "worth money". But as I blankly stared and nodded my head in approval of all the shit placed in front of me, I thought to myself...I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF. And I don't know why/how people can find value in this. I mean real value. The kind that gives you pleasure.

Here is a pictorial list of things I would prefer to have and would give me more pleasure than fancy clothing or jewelery: (In case anyone wants to give me any kind of gift for any reason...)
Actually, this list is very long but here are a few highlights:

If they weren't available by any other means, I would gladly trade thousands of dollars worth of clothing and jewelery for any of the above 4 items. It doesn't even have to ALL of them. I would settle for any ONE of them. Arrested Development and The Wire are my favorite shows of all time. I plan on watching them over and over again until the day I die. On the top left is cheese. It doesn't matter what kind. I LOVE CHEESE! Slices, cans, blocks, shredded, liquid, solid, gooie, dry...it doesn't matter. I'll eat it with anything...or by itself! And as for the Robert Horry jersey, it doesn't even have to be signed!

So anyways, that got me thinking about the concept of pleasure. Normally, if you were to play the word association game with me, and someone said the word "pleasure" I would automatically think of masturbation. But not this time... This time I started to think about all of the little things in life that give people pleasure. Ironically, it's always the little things in life that give you the most natural pleasure. The big things give you artificial pleasure. This is because you don't expect pleasure from little things...so when there is, it is more of a genuine happiness. Whereas the big things, you are supposed to be happy, so when you are happy, it is not the same. So what are those little things? There are many. But I came up with 5 of the best ones. If you can think of a really good one that I left out, feel free to put it in the comments.

Here are the top 5 biggest little sources of pleasure in life:

5. When you are switching back and forth between channels and the timing is perfect as to avoid any commercials!

This is a very subtle pleasure. It is one of those things that if it is going right, no one notices. But if it's not, then you get pissed. Kind of like referees in sports. When you are watching something, and then a commercial comes, you go to the guide and pick a different show you are interested in watching. But if that show also happens to be in commercial, you start becoming frustrated. The worst is when you find 3 or 4 different things you want to watch but they are ALL in commercial. When that happens I get so mad I want to throw the goddamn remote at the screen! If a psychologist examined my mental status at one of those moments they would lock me up in the looney bin for being homicidal, suicidal, and just plain old crazy. But when you find that perfect timing, switching back and forth between Sportcenter and the Daily Show, or the Laker game and the Office, it is a great feeling. It is a pleasure that needs to be realized and appreciated more often.

4. When you find that perfect parking spot!!

Unlike #5, this one is very popular. The whole concept of finding a great parking spot against all odds is kind of like your own personal "Fuck you" to world that is full of misery and tragedy. Kind of like the concept of sticking it to the man. It also makes you look cool in front of your friends for some reason. The best is when you are traveling somewhere with your friends in two cars and your car finds the spot right next to the restaurant (or the strip club/whore house/casino/dog fighting ring/any place else you frequent with your friends) and the other car has to park far off. It gives you a competitive advantage for the rest of the night. Boosts your confidence. And it is also very helpful when you are drunk up your ass stumbling to the car after a night full of sinful activities. (Or so I've heard...)

3. When that red light finally turns green or when it turns green as you are approaching it!!!

This one is also very popular. If you ever want to measure something, sometimes it is easier to measure it's opposite. In this case, how much does it frustrate you when that light stays red for what it seems like eternity? Or when you have finally reached that cruising speed and the light in front of you turns red bringing your life and joy to a screeching halt (literally)...How frustrating is that? VERY! It makes me want to take my car, ram it into the light pole bringing the light down, then take a massive shit on that red light, and then piss all over the feces. I know I know...not a great visual...but it is still a better sight than seeing a red light in front of you right? I thought so! 

2. When the dial up internet finally became connected!!!!

This pleasure is a forgotten one. In the 90's this one was number 1. Remember when you had that dial up internet? And remember how eager you were to go online and check your email/log on to AIM/surf the web/watch porn? But remember that agonizing wait as the damn thing started the modem, dialed the number, made all those phone sounds, then finally became connected? Remember that? I certainly do. I remember my first internet was the free Earthlink. AOL was considered a rich man's luxury back then. There was no greater moment of pleasure than when that thing finally connected to the internet. The modern version of this is when you are waiting for your bootlegged movie or TV show to buffer. Some websites take forever. But when it finally does buffer, it is a great feeling! 

1. When the cars move up in a fast food drive-through line!!!!!

Ok. Unless you are a fat disgusting slob that enjoys great-tasting disgusting fast food, (and who isn't?) you will not know what I am talking about. Here are all of the factors that go into making this the greatest small pleasure in the world:

1. When you are in a drive through line you are probably starving or have the munchies from weed (Or so I've heard...)
2. If you are eating fast food then you love fast food and can't wait to eat some of those Jack in the Box jalapeno poppers, InNOut grilled cheese and animal style fries, or any item from Taco Bell.
3. When you hear the word "fast" you think of something like 30-60 seconds...not 15 minutes.
4. Not me but some people feel ashamed to be in the drive through of a fast food joint. Like it's some kind of shameful crime. So if they are there, they want to get out quickly.

When you take all of these factors into account, there is nothing more important to someone in the drive through line than getting that food and eating it. If I am sitting in the drive through line at Taco Bell, I don't care what is going on around me...rape, murder, genocide, earthquake, holocaust, thunder storm, tsunami, terrorist attack...IT DOESN'T MATTER! I want my food. And if you get stuck behind some car ordering like they are fucking catering a wedding, you are pretty much screwed! To be stuck behind someone like that, you have to have committed a grave sin in your past life like murdering a cripple or something. On the other hand, if I am the one with the huge order, I can care less about the people behind me. In any case, when I am in a drive through line, I literally count the seconds until it is my turn to pull up to the window. And with each passing car, it is a great feeling of not just a simple pleasure...but...happiness...true happiness!


Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing


  1. I have some parents in the class who are psychologists, I may refer you to them...

  2. "Anonymous" definitely wasn't part of a fat slob group eagerly waiting for an intricately prepared cheesy jalapeño peppers at the jack in the box in Riverside drive through after an exhausting basketball outing.

    Number 1 beats it all. It's like waiting in the line at Mamoun's for falafels at 4AM (or 7pm for you).