ENGLISH GODDAMNIT!!!

Remember in high school when you started every essay you wrote with a quote from a famous person? Well...here it goes...

"Any concept of one person being superior to another can lead to racism."
-Walter Lang
"As much as everyone wants to downplay racism, it exists."
-Steve Mitchell
“Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
- Muhammad Ali
"Everyone says they are not a racist...until their daughter brings home a big black dude..."
- Mukesh Patel

I don't know about you, but to me, that last guy sounds the wisest. There seems to be a dose of reality and honesty in his quote. Here is my point: While you are reading this article...or after you are done reading it, there may be many points where you may think I am a racist. At that point, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember the last quote. You see my friends...racism in this country has become one of those things that we have overcompensated on. Just like with feminism, child safety, flight security, freedom of choice, environmentalism, and mental health, we have gone overboard. I understand the sensitive nature of racism in this country due to events that happened in the past. But in order to compensate, we have become way too race sensitive...and as a result, we have ignored obvious and harsh truths due to our fear of being "racist." This article is about one of those obvious and harsh truths. Fortunately for the good of society, I have the balls to say it! And with that preamble...let the "racist" cursing rant begin...

PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY NEED TO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying "When in Rome do as the Romans do."? That saying was not created just so that people would explore new cultures and try new things. It also means WHEN YOU LIVE IN A PARTICULAR COUNTRY...AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREEDOMS AND BENEFITS PROVIDED BY THAT COUNTRY...HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT AND A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THAT COUNTRY. YOU OWE AT LEAST THAT MUCH TO THAT COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EXPECT TO BE A FUNCTIONING CITIZEN AND MEMBER OF SOCIETY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NATION'S FUCKING LANGUAGE?

I think EVERYONE coming into this country regardless of race should be required to know how to speak English...at least at a very basic level. But we all know there is a certain ethnicity of people that come from a certain direction on the globe (SOUTH) that is the most guilty of this crime of ignorance. If I were to actually say it, people would call me racist. Even though we all know it is 1000% true. Fuck it...I'll say it anyways. MEXICANS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE IN FUCKING AMERICA NOW! NOT MEXICO! Although I understand some parts of Santa Ana, Inland Empire, and the Valley have now become indistinguishable from your typical Mexican town, nevertheless, they are still in the fucking United fucking States of fucking America!!!!!

I cannot begin to count how many fucking times I answer the phone at work or greet a customer and the first words I hear are, "Habla Espanol?" NO I DON'T FUCKING HABLA ESPANOL. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA. SO IF YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU, GO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! Don't get me wrong. I am not white. I am Indian. So in terms of race, I probably have a lot more in common with the Mexicans than I do with white people. I even have a great appreciation for Mexican culture. (Especially the food and booze.) Even though I spent 8 years in India without knowing about the existence of Mexico, a majority of the calories I have consumed in my life have probably come from Mexican food and its derivatives. But this is not an issue of culture or race or language superiority. It is a question of a sense of responsibility and respect for your country/society of residence. If I was in living in Mexico and some gringo redneck started talking to me in English, I would say the something to him and expect him to learn Spanish.

How the hell can someone come to this country and never fucking learn English? How the fuck do they function independently? I understand the fact that there is a growing Hispanic population and they are even starting to become the majority in some places. But English is still the unofficial official language of this country. The majority of the country still speaks English and will continue to speak it for a long time. All of the road signs are in English. Most of the functions carried out in daily life are carried out in English. Most forms that we have to fill out in this country are only available in English. With all of this...it's sad that English is not even a priority of most Hispanic immigrants in this country.

I understand that these immigrants have to worry about basic necessities like jobs and food and homes. But what is more basic than language? Don't you think they would have an easier time finding all of those things if they spoke English? Look...no one is asking these people to become Rhodes scholars. BUT AT LEAST MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT PEOPLE! Just a basic understanding of English that doesn't require them to start every conversation with the words "Habla Espanol?" would be sufficient. My family and I are also immigrants. We didn't know a lick of English when we came here. FORTUNATELY FOR ME...UNLIKE MOST HISPANICS...I GAVE A CRAP IN SCHOOL. So I learned English...probably better than most white people that were born here. As for my parents? Well...they aren't going to win a Pulitzer Prize any time soon. But you know what? They know enough English that they can interact successfully with other people without asking them if they speak Gujarati or Hindi. It's called EFFORT! C'mon Mexicans...at least make a fucking effort to learn/speak the language of the country you tried so hard coming to.

The forefathers of this country did a great job creating our government. It was probably one of the greatest creations of mankind. But unfortunately, they did not anticipate (and there is no way they could have) the language problem this country would have in the future. They should have written a law that restricted freedom of language. Anyone and everyone should be free to speak whatever language they want...as long as they know how to speak English too. I want to preserve my mother tongue. I will teach my kids the language of my homeland. I will make sure they speak it in the house. But you know what? Outside the walls of my house, if they want to be functioning members of society, they will need to learn English. Immigrants of ALL races need to realize this fact.

Even though I have this belief, being a medical professional, I am in a sticky situation. I expect my patients to speak English but if they do not, I cannot deny them my medical advice just because they don't speak the same language as me. (I should be able to deny them this but I have to follow some bullshit concept known as ethics. What a load of crap...) So since these people won't learn fucking English, me being a professional and all...I should be the bigger person and learn fucking Spanish. So after all of this ranting and raving about learning English...I admit it...I am pussying out and downloading a bootlegged copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish and learning Spanish probably as you are reading this. But you know what? Even when I DO learn Spanish...I am not going to use it. You know why? Take a guess...That's right...BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA GODDAMNIT!!!!!

Bros Before Hos: Why dudes prefer other dudes over girls (No homo)

Before I start this article, I need everyone to understand one very important concept. It is the No Homo concept. Everyone should be familiar with this concept but in case you are not, here is the explanation. If you say something that may sound homosexual but you meant it in a completely non-sexual/heterosexual/non-homosexual way...you should say the phrase "no homo" after it. For example:

"Kobe is such a baller. I love him...no homo." If I didn't say "no homo," there is a small chance that this phrase can be interpreted to mean that I am in love with Kobe Bryant and would like take it up the ass from him...which would be inaccurate. (I think)

This concept is very innovative and useful. And because I am not an asshole who steals or takes credit for other people's ideas, I must give credit to its origin. The Boondocks. Here is another explanation of this concept straight from its origin.

Now that you are all familiar with this concept, I can move on. You will read many things in this article that may sound gay. But that is why I will be putting the words "no homo" after all of them. Just in case I miss a couple of them while editing this, here is a preemptive NO HOMO for the entire article.

This past weekend I had eight guy friends from back in my Phoenix days stay over at my place since they were in town. No homo. It was great to see some of the homies after a year. No homo. This got me thinking about something. Guys are a lot more comfortable around their guy friends than they are around girls...any girls...and in many cases...even their wives. No homo. 

Why is that? Even though I hadn't seen these dudes in months, the jokes, wise cracks, and conversations picked up as if I had never left AZ. The chemistry between guys-guys flows much better than between guys-girls. No homo. It doesn't matter if they haven't seen each other in years. A dude will be more comfortable just kickin it with his homie(s) who he hasn't seen in a year than with his current female counterpart. No homo. The explanation behind this phenomenon is very simple: Sex! (The answer to all of life's questions...along with money!)

Let me explain. With the exception of family members, there is sexual tension between all men and all women. This is true no matter what the relationship, age, situation, or circumstance. There is sexual tension between teacher and student. There is sexual tension between cop and prisoner. There is sexual tension between doctor and patient. There is sexual tension between boss and employee. There is sexual tension between cashier and customer. There is sexual tension between stewardess and pilot/passenger. And most of all, there is sexual tension between "just friends." I have heard so much BULLSHIT about how a girl thinks of a guy friend who is not biologically related to her as a "brother." (Or viceversa.) You better get the fuck out here if you expect me to believe that load of donkey jizz! Along with people who believe money has nothing to do with marriage, people who believe men and women can be true friends without sexual tension belong in the first graduating class of SNUP. (School for Naive and Unrealistic People)

This kind of sexual tension is the reason behind why guys are more comfortable with other guys than they are with women. No homo. And by sexual tension I mean the fact that the guy wants to fuck the woman. Dear women of this world: Do not kid yourself. Any guy being nice to you for any kind of reason is not doing it because he simply wants to be your friend or is just a "nice" guy. He wants to put his penis into your vagina and secrete semen. He may not say it out loud or even believe it himself. But don't be naive. Subconsciously, there is a desire deep down in there to have sex with you and that is the core reason why he is your "friend" or being nice to you. Trust me on this one. And because there is none of that going on between dudes and other dudes, straight guys will always be more comfortable spending time with other straight guys than women. No homo. Even if they may prefer the company of their girl over their friends at some times, deep down, their mind will be more at ease with their buddies. No homo.

If you need more proof behind my theory, just look at gay guys. No homo. Why do you think gay guys get along so well with girls?  Have you ever noticed an openly gay guy hanging with his friends? I have. No homo. You know what else I have noticed? All of those friends have vaginas! (Therefore, logic deduces that they are girls.) For them, it is the opposite. They are more comfortable hanging out with women. But gay dudes DO have sexual tension with other dudes. And that's why they can't hang out with them...Yes homo.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly, 
The King of Nothing

Time "Wasted" = Time Well Spent!

When I waltzed into work on Friday like I owned the freaking place they told me the schedule was changed and I wasn't supposed to start work until 2 hours later. I never got the memo. But hey! I ain't gonna complain. I hate working. It's just a good thing it was close to home. So what did I decide to do with this gift of TIME? (A gain of 2 hours and a loss of around $120) Like any normal cool hip young person...I decided to use this time to write...

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot recently about the concept of time. When I went to the LAKER (not clipper- I refuse to capitalize their name. They are a joke.) game on Wednesday , it was INSANE how quickly time goes by when you are watching the game in person as opposed to on TV. That tells you one thing. Our perception of time is dependent on so many variables, like our boredom level, our fatigue level, who we are with, what we are doing, what environment we are in, etc, etc ,etc. But none of those things define time. For example, when you are doing an activity you enjoy, whether it is playing cards, getting lap dances (or so I've heard), sports, watching movies, whatever your favorite thing may be...time goes by fast. 2 hours of doing those things may feel like 20 minutes. On the other hand, when you are sitting bored out of your ass in class at pharmacy school, 2 hours of that crap might feel like 6 hours. Does that mean the length of 2 hours changes when you are having fun as opposed to when you are bored? Of course not! 2 hours is 2 hours. But all of those variables I mentioned changes our perception of those 2 hours. What the hell does all this exactly mean? Who the hell knows? I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. And that is how to make best use of my time...

Everyone always says time is the most valuable thing in the world. Time is priceless. Time is money. Never waste time. Growing up I always heard this from adults when they thought I was "wasting" time by sitting around, watching TV, playing video games, sleeping, etc, etc etc... But the way I look at it, you should be doing all of those things precisely because time is so valuable. Time is so precious, why would you spend it by doing stuff that you don't enjoy? Time is so valuable, why not spend it doing things you enjoy? If I was a "smartass" as a child, that is what my response would have been to adults who told me not to waste time. But since I wasn't a brat kid who talked back, I am saying it now...

When it comes to the debate of how time should be spent, there are many different answers out there. But there is one definite and unquestionable fact that cannot be disputed. The greatest use of time is the time spent on the crapper...Some people feel at peace when they go to their place of worship. Whether it is sitting at mass in a church, sitting in front of sacred images at a temple, or kneeling down and praying at a mosque...many people out there say they are most happy when they are worshiping God. They say a wave of peacefulness rushes through them. I am not disputing this. I have experienced this to a certain degree as well. But to be perfectly honest with you, without any hint of sarcasm or being a smartass prick, I can honestly say that I feel the most amount of peace when I am at home taking a shit. And I know for a fact that there are many people out there who agree with me. 

Don't get me wrong...there is not much peace to be felt when I am trying to drop a megaton of deuce in 10 minutes at 7 in the morning running late for work. I am talking about the dumps that you actually have time to enjoy. Like on your day off or after you come home from work, and you take your phone or a book in the john and just chill. Personally, after finishing the Hunger Games trilogy on the crapper, I have been listening to podcasts while emptying my bowels. The combination of ridding your body of feces, the releasing of all that pressure, and sitting there alone with no one to bother you makes taking a dump an extremely blissful activity. So why not spend more time in the crapper? In high school I used to wake up extra early just so I could spend more time taking a shit. Did my parents think it was abnormal? Sure. Did they have serious concerns about my health and bowel habits? Absolutely. Was I often late to school just because of the simple fact that I hated to get off the toilet and go about my day? No comment. But you know what? It was all worth it! My family kept telling me it's not such a good thing to spend so much time taking a shit. They thought it was a waste of time. I still don't understand how something that makes you so happy and peaceful can be a waste of time. I mean that is the whole point of having time...to enjoy it. If you think this is nasty or you don't agree with me...just try it first. Come back to me after you take at least a 30 minute dump and then tell me you didn't enjoy it...because you would be lying.

Enough about dumps. Let's move on to a less controversial and universally enjoyed use of time. Sleep! There is absolutely no one over the age of 12 that can disagree with me on this one. If you do...you deserve to die! Seriously! Let me start off my point by saying that I feel extremely jealous of a certain group of people. I am not talking about skinny people or filthy rich people or white people. (Even though I am jealous of all of those people.) I am talking about those people who can fall asleep at will no matter what time it is or wherever the fuck they are. I am a pretty deep sleeper once I fall asleep but unless I am in my bed and it's nighttime, I cannot fall asleep worth shit. If I am outside my house, no sleep for me. If I am trying to take a nap in the daytime, no sleep for me. If I am on a plane or in a car, no sleep for me. So to all of you who can fall asleep no matter what/where/how/when...I have two things to say to you: 1) I want your powers. 2) Fuck you I am jealous.

As a kid I never wanted to sleep. Then somewhere around middle school all that changed. I fucking value sleep so much, I would probably let a python strangle my future pregnant wife and unborn child if it meant getting a couple of hours of extra sleep. (Am I exaggerating? I guess you will just have to drop a python in my house in a few years and find out...) Sleep is great but even better is the time right after you wake up and you don't have shit to do so you go into that half-sleep/half-awake zone. That is the best use of time. I usually wake up around 8 or 9  no matter what time I go to sleep. But I don't actually get up until around 11. (On my days off of course.) Those 2-3 hours of being in that half-asleep zone is true bliss. You all know what I am talking about so don't even think about disagreeing with me on this one.

There are so many other things I can list on here that are such great uses of time, yet they would be considered a waste of time by society. It's ironic that two of the must basic human activities, shitting and sleeping, are on top of that list. The third one that belongs with them is eating. But no need to write about that one. I have already done that. And probably will again in the future. So next time someone tells you to stop wasting time when you are doing something that you enjoy, ignore them! Because the whole point of time is to enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, why live?

P.S. Never ever bother anyone that is taking a dump. The creative process is at its best when someone is shitting. They might be in there coming up with the next great invention so think twice before you knock on the bathroom door and yell at them to get out. How else do you think this awesome blog started?

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY...MOOONNNEEEYYY!!!!!

Before you start reading...please play this video, minimize the window, and listen to the audio before you continue reading. It is exactly the song I had in mind while writing this article. You will understand what this article is trying to say much better if you have the music in the background. 

After my latest trip to Vegas, I have learned many things. Some of life's many mysteries can be solved using the lessons learned from the various things that happen in the streets, clubs, casinos, and hotel rooms of this great city. Perfect idea for another article. But right now my mind is consumed by the most important thing in Las Vegas (and the rest of the world!). MONEY! Money is great. Money buys education. Money buys knowledge. Money buys health. Money buys safety. Money buys security. Money buys happiness. Money buys love. Money buys peace. And most of all, MONEY BUYS MORE MONEY!!!!!

First let us tackle the myth that money does not buy love. If that was the case, countless marriage decisions would not involve money in some way or another. EVERYONE HAS "A NUMBER". For gold-digging whores that "number" might be relatively low. For hot actresses and supermodels that "number" may be higher. And for faithful housewives that "number" may be astronomically high. But nevertheless, everyone has "a number." As for me? That number is probably a billion. That is how much money it would take for me to be some fat old ugly lady's boy toy husband. (One can only dream...) So money does by love. It just may have to be A LOT of it. Even when it is not a lot, money is still is a heavy factor. If you are a married woman, think about your husband. When you first met him, however or under whatever circumstances it may have been, if he was COMPLETELY broke and/or had absolutely no prospects in life (I am talking like living on the streets with no plans of a future), and everything else about him was the same, would you currently be with him? If you are a married man, think about the same thing in reverse (unless you planned on her being a housewife) but also ask yourself if your wife would still be with you if you were a bum. If anyone is saying "yes" in any one of these scenarios, let me speak to you directly: "Don't kid yourself. Get your head out of your ass and face reality. Welcome to the real world. You should be enrolled in the SNUP." (School for Naive and Unrealistic People...I am starting it.) Some of you may say money is only one of the factors. But that may be only because most people don't have A LOT of it. If they did, and that amount started getting closer to "the number" money would matter more and more...until it was the single most important factor and eventually the only factor. Nevertheless...money buys love!

Here is another piece of crap phrase uttered by those who are what we call retards: "Money does not buy happiness." You know who says that? Two kinds of people. 1) People without money. 2) People with money who are too stupid to know what to do with it. If you use your money right, it can definitely bring happiness. I will gladly trade the problems of a happy poor person for those of a sad rich person. Give me the riches and I won't mind being sad all day lying around moping on my pile of cash. I'll even deal with all the stress from taxes, investments, and security. I will gladly try to extinguish my stress and sadness by indulging in supermodels, jet skis, Bentlys, and mansions...and an unlimited supply of Taco Bell.

But even if you are not as superficial as I am, and you find happiness and much simpler and/or spiritual things, money still helps. Imagine how much time you would have to go and find happiness at your place of worship if you didn't have to worry about nagging things in life such as a job or mortgage or tuition or loans. Imagine how much traveling and "soul searching" you can do if you were set for life. If you find happiness in your family life, money helps with that as well. So money does by happiness. If you find happiness in worldly things then this fact is obvious. And if you find happiness in other things, then money frees you up to do those things to their full potential. See how great money is? So why does it get such a bad rap? Let's talk about that next.

Here are a few reasons why money gets a bad rap. Some people think negative about money because they don't have it (or enough of it). Second, people associate money with the hard work, stroke of fortune, and stress that is involved with attaining it. It is the actual persuit of money that can be negative. Not the money itself. But it's not the money's fault that it needs to be earned. It's not the money's fault that people go crazy after it. So why blame it? Why say nonsense like it doesn't buy happiness? People don't buy happiness. Money does. So before you decide you want to come home early from work and spend time with your kids...or decide to pursue a nonsense major like "art" or "music", just remember...money is a man's best friend!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Education System! What's Wrong With it & How to Fix It

Usually when I write about real world issues, I will claim modesty. I will say that I am not an expert and am just giving my humble opinion. NOT THIS TIME! I still am not an professional expert on education or anything but this one is freaking easy. I have no idea how society cannot figure this one out. It REALLY is not that hard! For the remainder of this article (and future articles) I will refer to what I call the CSTF. What is CSTF? There are various versions of it out there. But they are all pretty much the same thing. You may have heard of the concept of the Common Sense Police. CSTF is my version of that. The Common Sense Task Force. (Task force sounds more official) I am starting it. It consists of people who see problems and use the simple method of common sense to solve it. Why? Well...because it's common sense! If you don't get this concept...I don't know what to tell you. It may be a good idea for you to eliminate your defective genes and intelligence from the gene pool. Ask me if you need ways to do that.

Ok. So the first task of the CSTF is to fix the schools in this country. Our education system is a freaking joke! Do you know what lies at the heart of every singe problem we have in this country (economy, drugs, healthcare, divorce rates, teen pregnancy, etc, etc, etc)??? It is our education system. If we don't fix that, fixing everything else will be pointless. But before we can solve the problem, we must be aware of it. So let's take a look at the problems with our schools, and figure out a way to solve them.

Issue 1: Teachers don't have a high enough status/place in our society and they need to be respected more.

I am not just saying this because I am marrying a teacher. (Somehow the concept of being with a teacher was much more exciting when I was a student. Kind of ironic that I ended up with a teacher after years of fantasizing about some of my teachers as a student.) I was saying this long before my fiance decided to be a teacher. What is the average teacher's salary? $30,000? That is a freaking joke! Add teachers to the top of the underpaid professions list. I mean just think about it. The sheer amount of power teachers have in the lives of our children is enormous! They pretty much have uncontrolled access and the attention of our kids for 7 hours per day 9 months of the year. Through their teachings, opinions, and, lessons, teachers have the ability to make a huge impression on students of any age. Think about it. When I am trading stocks, I still remember the stock market project from my high school Econ class. When I read or think about the issue of war, I still draw things from the Vietnam research project I did in English. When I am considering who to vote for, I still think about some of the concepts I learned in Civics. History, physics, biology, math, PE, being on the basketball team, etc, etc, etc... All of these things have shaped my current thinking and views on the real world as an adult. And teachers control those things.

Do this for yourself. Think about the way you look at the world. Think about your opinions on history. Or your views on current issues. Or how you do your daily tasks that involve any kind of math or judgement or thinking. And then think about how much all of those things have been affected by all of the school teachers you have ever had. If you think that they have made no or little impact in your life, you are kidding yourself! Don't be naive. Teachers are the most important influence on your kids outside the home. (And for some kids, teachers have more influence than the parents.)

That is an enormous amount of power and trust we put in our teachers. But do we compensate them accordingly? No! I will make almost 4 times more money than my future wife. Is my job important? Sure. I have to make sure people get the right medicine and understand how to take it the right way...or else they can die or seriously get hurt. And I am handsomely paid for it. But am I shaping any minds? Even if you think my fiance's job as a teacher is not as important as mine, do you really think it is 4 times less important? According to the way we pay our teachers...yes. According to the CSTF...no! [Also if teachers got paid more it would greatly improve my future financial situation. But that is besides the point.]

Don't get me wrong... just because I think teachers should be paid more doesn't mean I am entirely on their side. There are some dumb ass teachers out there! If it wasn't for their teacher's edition textbook, there wouldn't be much difference between teachers and their students. But society doesn't respect teachers. Sometimes, I don't blame them. Society does need to respect teachers more. But they can only do this if the teachers have quality. If they are going to be paid more, they should be better educated. Education shouldn't be a "easy way out" major in college for those who failed at other things. That is the way it is now. Teachers should have an official and nationally uniform doctorate level degree! Just like the PharmD, DDS, JD, MD, DO, etc. Forget all this masters of education bullshit! They should have a 3 year DE (Doctor of Education) program after undergrad. College professors and specialists can go on to earn other degrees in their fields. They can get their DE before or after. But regardless, every single person in charge of a classroom at any level, should be required to get a DE. Only if our teachers are properly educated, they can be good educators themselves.

Issue 2: Parents have their heads in their asses and they need to get them out.

Kids cannot learn to respect/enjoy/value education if their parents do not raise them to. The problem is that the same generation that started hating on school is the generation that is now becoming parents. So I see this problem getting much much worse. Kids don't give a crap about school. Why? Because mom and dad didn't either! Take a look at how Chinese or Japanese parents raise their kids. I am sure there are many things they do wrong but not when it comes to education! Even more than Indians. Once I received a tardy notice for being late to school a couple of times. I wasn't even that late. But my uncle went berserk! If you walked in on the conversation, you would have thought I raped a puppy or something. After that day, I understood the importance of being on time to class. Nowadays, parents don't care if their kid is ten minutes late to school. This "laisezz faire" attitude about school is wrong! What do you expect when parents today grew up watching shows like Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World. How can you expect people to respect school and its officials when they grew up watching Principal Belding and Principal Feeny being portrayed as buffoons. The modern counterparts of these shows on the Disney Channel and ABC Family are even worse! All of this needs to change at home if any of us wants our kids to grow up and be decent smart people. Forget about global warming and saving the planet, this should be our top priority if we want to save the future and leave a good life for our kids!

Problem 3: Education has become dumb and worthless. It needs to smarten up and become a priority.

Here is what I am talking about. We keep telling ourselves that there are all of these problems when it comes to education. Most of them revolve around not having enough money. Common sense tells us there is enough money. We just have not prioritized education high enough to use that money. If the US just had one less aircraft carrier, that would save $5 billion dollars of construction costs. You don't think that would make a HUGE impact in our schools? And I am just talking about the construction cost of one aircraft carrier! Not even counting the maintenance costs on all the toys our military has! Don't get me wrong. I am all for a strong military. We are the most powerful country on the planet. And it's because our military. But at some point, it becomes overkill. And at some point, it should become more about efficiency. Also, some of the money we throw down the gutter when we give it to entitled screw-ups in life through Medicaid (not all of them but MANY of them) can be better used in education. And what about all of these big time corporations that get away with paying trillions in taxes because they know how to work the system? Wouldn't some of that money be useful in schools? What do you think Japan has done? After getting MESSED UP by Little Boy and Fat Man in WW2, Japan essentially got rid of it's military and focused on economy and education. And now they are the smartest people and have the strongest economy on the planet.

And what about privatizing the whole damn thing? It's worked for everything else in this country so why not this? Maybe public school should only be available for those who are extremely poor. The government should privatize all of the other schools. The sheer amount of increased competition would make private schools not only more affordable, but also smarter. They would start competing to provide better and smarter education. Tax breaks can be given to those who want to start/buy/own schools. Also, by privatizing education, people without kids don't have to pay extra taxes for schools. And people with kids have a better choice and more options for education. I think that would even force people to be smarter about having kids. If they had to pay for the education from the beginning maybe those that shouldn't have kids finally wouldn't! And maybe even one day, education can go from being a financial burden to the government to being a source of revenue! [I can already see Indians owning every single school like they have with Subways and motels.]

There are many other things that can be done to fix this. I don't want to get into specifics here. But if we just stick to common sense and do what the CSTF tells us, this would turn into a much simpler issue. Forget that, it would turn into a non-issue! Using common sense to solve this issue is funny because I never actually remember learning common sense in school. There wasn't a class. I don't know where the hell it came from, but I learned it. It's unfortunate the same cannot be said about those that have the power to actually make a difference...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Kobe Bryant Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder!

Ok ok...he's not really diagnosed with Bipolar disorder...not officially anyway...but we here at King of Nothing are definitely not above using cheap headlines to capture your attention...we will sink to any low to gain popularity...we have no dignity...at least I don't anyways...but seriously...here is an EXCELLENT piece of writing on the highly polar Kobe Bryant...by my close buddy...Shril Bhatt. ("Langotio bhaiband" if you know Gujarati)

By Guest Blogger Shril Bhatt:

Dear Readers and Friends,

If I have to introduce to you who Kobe Bryant is, you are at the wrong place. Well hold on a second… I take it back. You might actually be at the perfect place! I’m sure majority of you already know about him being a great basketball player, his work ethics, and his interest in ‘other women’ and what have you. But I would be wasting my (and yours of course) precious time if I were to reiterate those things to you. The purpose of this blog entry is to let you all know what I have observed watching Kobe Bryant play countless times over the years. And after giving it some thought, I came to a conclusion that Kobe Bryant is suffering from Bipolar Disorder…. At least when he’s on the court! (And probably off of it...)

Let me first begin by defining Bipolar Disorder (BPD). A BPD is a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels (mania), cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. Ok. Now take a minute and pick up the pieces of your brain off of the keyboard. Put it back together...and read it again...closely. Go take a leak even if you don’t have to. As a matter of fact fill up a zip-lock bag with ice and sit on it. Alright, now let me explain what I mean by simplifying it.

Imagine an apple and an orange. Both are fruits, both are round, and both are generally very nutritious and good for your health. However they are totally different in the way they taste, their texture, the way they feel in your mouth, their juiciness…"Juiciness"...that's a nice word...You get my point. Likewise, I want you to think of two different Kobe Bryants for a second: One wearing the gold uniform (during home games) and the other, wearing the purple (away games). Do you notice anything different? If not, let me explain to you what I see.

First let me digress a little bit for a moment. If it wasn’t for Mukesh (The King of Nothing), I would not have cared to know about Kobe and the Lakers to this day. It was the year 2001 and we were relatively new in the United States. I didn’t care much about basketball let alone the NBA. It wasn’t until we started playing ball during our high-school days that I started learning the basics about basketball in general. Right around that time, the NBA playoffs were about to begin. Since Mukesh (a fellow Gujju) lived literally across the street from us at that time, we (my brother and I) would go to his place just to hang out. I still remember that tiny apartment of his and that plastic laundry basket stacked on top of cigarette boxes (not because he was chain smoker but because they have a smoke shop) and shooting hoops inside the house. Anyway, back to the Playoffs… So Lakers were playing Portland Trail Blazers at that time. It was the old Lakers then with Ron Harper, Horry, Horace Grant, Shaw and company. Since we didn’t have cable we used to go watch the games at Mukesh’s place. It was then when my infatuation with the Lakers began.

Now back to Kobe. Gold and Purple Kobe. How I see both of them? What differences do they have and why do I think he has ‘Basketball induced BPD’? First let me talk about ‘Gold Kobe’. Whenever I see him play at home, he plays a very relaxed game. He reminds me of Sachin Tendulkar. Usually calm, strictly business like attitude. Go on the court, play your game, make some plays, and call it a night with a win. In addition, he tends to be more of a team player at home. He usually gets more assists at home. His shots selections are much more ‘high-percentage’. He hardly shows any anger. He lets his game do the talking. When he gets substituted, he slowly walks to the bench, fist-bumps the bench warmers, takes his seat, puts a towel around his neck and sits back and observes.

Come to think of it I only remember a couple of incidences where I have seen him have emotional outbursts during/after the game at home. First when he outscored the entire Dallas team by himself, he pumped his chest several times at the end of third quarter. Second, beating the buzzer against Phoenix in the playoffs and lastly, against Miami couple years back. Even if you actually get a chance to re-watch his 81 point game, watch how he exits the court, he simply acknowledges the crowd as he walks and just raises his index finger in the air. You get my point here; Kobe tends to be low-key, much more serene and somber, straight business when he plays at the Staples Center.

In contrast, now imagine Kobe wearing the purple uniform. One word that comes to my mind right at that moment – ASSASSIN! Whenever I have watched him on the opponent’s court, he’s like a wild animal unleashed into the city. (And it's not always a good thing.)You can see him during the pregame shoot around; he’s ready to go crazy on someone. He’s outspoken from the get-go, he’s shouting plays. He’s directing traffic. He’s shouting at the referees, demanding foul-calls, throwing tantrums. Plus, we have all come to known his ‘Angry Beaver’ look whenever he’s ‘in the zone!’ There’s not much that his opponent can do to get him out of it. Heck, not even his own teammates or his own coaches can do anything to get him out of it. However, granting the fact that he’s unstoppable at those times, this nature of his sometimes lands him into a ‘freak-frenzy’ mode as well. He tends to attempt highly contested shots to silence the crowd. (Most of which he misses.) He tends to sway away from the designed plays. He plays one-on-five basketball, at times frustrating teammates, coaches, and of course us fans. In many occasions this has cost the Lakers the outcome of the games as well. Once again, you get my point here as well; Kobe tends to have “Manic Episodes” (due to “Basketball Reasons” – Fuck You, David Stern!) when he plays during away games.

Regardless of his BPD on the court, he’s still something special to watch night in and night out. I wasn’t around to watch much of Michael Jordan’s career. So when people ask me to compare Kobe to MJ, I can’t back up my arguments with facts. And for that reason, I tend stay away from that argument. Perhaps MJ was better than Kobe in his days. But most of us Laker fans (and haters) will agree that Kobe is the next best thing... and not that far away from him. (Or maybe he is...who the hell really knows?)

Sincerely
S.P. Bhatt!

Written by Special Guest Blogger: Shril Bhatt
Edited by The King of Nothing

Put a Smile on that Face: Top 5 Biggest Little Pleasures in Life

My mom returned from India today. Why was she in the motherland? Shopping! For the wedding! I might as well have wiped my ass with hundred dollar bills and flushed them down the toilet because that would've been a better use for the money. So after dinner she opened the treasure chest and showed me an array of fancy clothing and jewelery. My wedding stuff, her wedding stuff, my parents wedding stuff, all the gifts for various relatives, etc... This included some fancy shoes, diamonds, shiny gold things, and clothes with silver lining (literally the element of silver not just the color). Are all of these things valuable? Sure. If by "valuable" you mean "worth money". But as I blankly stared and nodded my head in approval of all the shit placed in front of me, I thought to myself...I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF. And I don't know why/how people can find value in this. I mean real value. The kind that gives you pleasure.

Here is a pictorial list of things I would prefer to have and would give me more pleasure than fancy clothing or jewelery: (In case anyone wants to give me any kind of gift for any reason...)
Actually, this list is very long but here are a few highlights:

If they weren't available by any other means, I would gladly trade thousands of dollars worth of clothing and jewelery for any of the above 4 items. It doesn't even have to ALL of them. I would settle for any ONE of them. Arrested Development and The Wire are my favorite shows of all time. I plan on watching them over and over again until the day I die. On the top left is cheese. It doesn't matter what kind. I LOVE CHEESE! Slices, cans, blocks, shredded, liquid, solid, gooie, dry...it doesn't matter. I'll eat it with anything...or by itself! And as for the Robert Horry jersey, it doesn't even have to be signed!

So anyways, that got me thinking about the concept of pleasure. Normally, if you were to play the word association game with me, and someone said the word "pleasure" I would automatically think of masturbation. But not this time... This time I started to think about all of the little things in life that give people pleasure. Ironically, it's always the little things in life that give you the most natural pleasure. The big things give you artificial pleasure. This is because you don't expect pleasure from little things...so when there is, it is more of a genuine happiness. Whereas the big things, you are supposed to be happy, so when you are happy, it is not the same. So what are those little things? There are many. But I came up with 5 of the best ones. If you can think of a really good one that I left out, feel free to put it in the comments.

Here are the top 5 biggest little sources of pleasure in life:

5. When you are switching back and forth between channels and the timing is perfect as to avoid any commercials!

This is a very subtle pleasure. It is one of those things that if it is going right, no one notices. But if it's not, then you get pissed. Kind of like referees in sports. When you are watching something, and then a commercial comes, you go to the guide and pick a different show you are interested in watching. But if that show also happens to be in commercial, you start becoming frustrated. The worst is when you find 3 or 4 different things you want to watch but they are ALL in commercial. When that happens I get so mad I want to throw the goddamn remote at the screen! If a psychologist examined my mental status at one of those moments they would lock me up in the looney bin for being homicidal, suicidal, and just plain old crazy. But when you find that perfect timing, switching back and forth between Sportcenter and the Daily Show, or the Laker game and the Office, it is a great feeling. It is a pleasure that needs to be realized and appreciated more often.

4. When you find that perfect parking spot!!

Unlike #5, this one is very popular. The whole concept of finding a great parking spot against all odds is kind of like your own personal "Fuck you" to world that is full of misery and tragedy. Kind of like the concept of sticking it to the man. It also makes you look cool in front of your friends for some reason. The best is when you are traveling somewhere with your friends in two cars and your car finds the spot right next to the restaurant (or the strip club/whore house/casino/dog fighting ring/any place else you frequent with your friends) and the other car has to park far off. It gives you a competitive advantage for the rest of the night. Boosts your confidence. And it is also very helpful when you are drunk up your ass stumbling to the car after a night full of sinful activities. (Or so I've heard...)

3. When that red light finally turns green or when it turns green as you are approaching it!!!

This one is also very popular. If you ever want to measure something, sometimes it is easier to measure it's opposite. In this case, how much does it frustrate you when that light stays red for what it seems like eternity? Or when you have finally reached that cruising speed and the light in front of you turns red bringing your life and joy to a screeching halt (literally)...How frustrating is that? VERY! It makes me want to take my car, ram it into the light pole bringing the light down, then take a massive shit on that red light, and then piss all over the feces. I know I know...not a great visual...but it is still a better sight than seeing a red light in front of you right? I thought so! 

2. When the dial up internet finally became connected!!!!

This pleasure is a forgotten one. In the 90's this one was number 1. Remember when you had that dial up internet? And remember how eager you were to go online and check your email/log on to AIM/surf the web/watch porn? But remember that agonizing wait as the damn thing started the modem, dialed the number, made all those phone sounds, then finally became connected? Remember that? I certainly do. I remember my first internet was the free Earthlink. AOL was considered a rich man's luxury back then. There was no greater moment of pleasure than when that thing finally connected to the internet. The modern version of this is when you are waiting for your bootlegged movie or TV show to buffer. Some websites take forever. But when it finally does buffer, it is a great feeling! 

1. When the cars move up in a fast food drive-through line!!!!!

Ok. Unless you are a fat disgusting slob that enjoys great-tasting disgusting fast food, (and who isn't?) you will not know what I am talking about. Here are all of the factors that go into making this the greatest small pleasure in the world:

1. When you are in a drive through line you are probably starving or have the munchies from weed (Or so I've heard...)
2. If you are eating fast food then you love fast food and can't wait to eat some of those Jack in the Box jalapeno poppers, InNOut grilled cheese and animal style fries, or any item from Taco Bell.
3. When you hear the word "fast" you think of something like 30-60 seconds...not 15 minutes.
4. Not me but some people feel ashamed to be in the drive through of a fast food joint. Like it's some kind of shameful crime. So if they are there, they want to get out quickly.

When you take all of these factors into account, there is nothing more important to someone in the drive through line than getting that food and eating it. If I am sitting in the drive through line at Taco Bell, I don't care what is going on around me...rape, murder, genocide, earthquake, holocaust, thunder storm, tsunami, terrorist attack...IT DOESN'T MATTER! I want my food. And if you get stuck behind some car ordering like they are fucking catering a wedding, you are pretty much screwed! To be stuck behind someone like that, you have to have committed a grave sin in your past life like murdering a cripple or something. On the other hand, if I am the one with the huge order, I can care less about the people behind me. In any case, when I am in a drive through line, I literally count the seconds until it is my turn to pull up to the window. And with each passing car, it is a great feeling of not just a simple pleasure...but...happiness...true happiness!

I'M TRYING TO IMPROVE THIS BLOG AND MAKE IT COOLER SO VOTE ON THE FREAKING POLL GODDAMN IT!


Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing